I think that small talk is an every constant reminder of the pervasive nature that is ‘wanting to be happy’.
Don’t get me wrong, there isn’t necessarily anything wrong with wanting to be happy. There is something wrong about being willing to sacrifice anything for what you perceive is the thing (or person, or hobby, or whatever) that will bring you happiness.
I think that the reason small talk is so fucking meaningless is because we all are just seeking some measure of peace and happiness in our lives. We simply can’t tell everyone who asks that our day is going terribly, for one thing it will make us feel worse — for another it will also make everyone that has to tolerate us feel worse. So we say “Fine” or “Good” or “Tired” or “The weather has me down” or whatever other instantly acceptable and obvious answer is easiest and ends the interaction quickly.
I think if we allowed people to be more honest with themselves that things like small tall wouldn’t really exist beyond trying to fill a silent void. But sure, friendly human noises go brrr.
Seems a great many of you need this.
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Nope. Don’t need that.
Did you know that the reason imgur blocks the UK is that it is trying to evade a fine for selling children’s personal data?
They are a shit corporation and they already deleted old data for posters that didn’t have a paid subscription with them.
There are other image hosts.
Lemmy lets you upped directly to your instance and if gets federated.
Don’t use imgur.
“Hi, I’m very friendly, you don’t have to be afraid of me, i don’t want to harm you, we are identical!”
I will start approaching people like this.
It works great! Now I only very rarely need to tell people to go away.
Honestly, my favorite people are the ones who love to talk and are horribly desperate to babble to potential listeners. I’m not much of a talker but I absolutely dont mind looking you in the eyes and nodding my head as you talk about your hobby or current going ons.
In bigger social groups I noticed this weird thing fellow humans tend to do where they all want a slice of being the talker/ center of attention and constantly cut off eachother or tune out current speaker waiting for them to shut up so they can start their monkey babble turn.
This behavior absolutely infuriates me and I refuse to take part in it. I would rather just be silent and let you say your piece than interrupt the flow.
As a knock on effect people subconsciously notice I’m not competing with them for talk time and am sending them constant listening signals like looking in the eye nodding head “mhm got you” stuff. This seems to really go a long way with making friendly with talkative types with minimal effort.
Hobbys or current going ons is nice, but that’s not small talk. That’s just talk. Not big talk nor small talk, more like medium talk. It’s where they tell you stuff about themselves that actually matter, but not in a revolutionary way.
Small talk is chatting about the weather or talking about that person at work.
i posit current going ons can be anywhere from small to heavy talk, depending on the weight and/or severity of the ongoings.
GREETINGS FELLOW HUMAN, I AM A NON THREATENING HUMAN, NO NEED TO AVOID BEING NEAR MY PRESENCE
Hey bud, how you doing?
Damn well this was the perspective change I needed today
“Small talk” is actually one of the most powerful tools for connection we have. It’s not meaningless chatter; it’s the doorway into deeper understanding.
The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.
When you ask someone, “How’s your day going?” or “What’s been keeping you busy lately?” and actually listen to their answer, you’re signaling that you care about their world. That’s the quiet magic of small talk: it turns strangers into people, and people into friends.
Start simple. Ask open questions that invite reflection instead of yes or no answers. Things like:
“How’s work treating you this week?”
“What’s something you’ve been enjoying lately?”
“Do you like slow days or do they make you restless?”
Then, build on what they share. Match their tone. Add your own small experiences (“I know what you mean, I kind of love quiet days too”). These little back-and-forth moments help conversations feel easy and balanced.
The value of small talk isn’t in the words themselves, it’s in the attention you give others. Over time, these small exchanges build trust, warmth, and familiarity. They’re how relationships begin, how empathy grows, and how we remind each other that we’re seen.
So don’t underestimate small talk. Practice curiosity. Ask, listen, share. Every person you meet carries a piece of the story you haven’t heard yet, and small talk is how you start uncovering it.
The trick isn’t to say the most interesting thing in the room or ask interesting questions, it’s to be interested.
OK, but, like… I’m not interested. I have a strong interest in others viewing me nonthreateningly, because I have no interest in causing harm or taking advantage of others and would rather not be viewed suspiciously. But the actual mechanics of small talk are dull and uninteresting to me. I could walk through the motions, and generally do when I have to, but the kind of energy and attention it takes for me to do that while also being aware of anything else is exhausting. I’m perfectly happy being on the sidelines or simply not in attendance at all. I just want to be able to carry some sort of authentication or certificate that indicates “Normal People including Jeff T., Paul R., Caitlin P., Rilee L., and Jaime A. all vouch for me being safe and trustworthy. If you don’t know any of them, I can provide further references.”
As someone who can have difficulty socializing (unless it’s something I’m passionate or knowledgeable about, but then i risk oversharing), i decided to try reading a book i ran into called Supercommunicators. It actually touches on a number of things you mentioned here, just curious if you happen to have read it yourself… It’s been pretty enlightening for me, and i find the things I’ve picked up from it can easily be applied to daily life. Some good food for thought, at very least!
Literally all I could say to any of this would be downer shit. That’s why I hate small talk. It’s just depressing and I feel like it makes me look bad.
People actually LOVE to complain to each other. Perhaps if you shared your downer shit, you could find lots of connection. Just be sure to dose the information in small bits, so that the other person has enough space to react and share their own depressiive stories.
Why would I want to just add more shit to what someone else is dealing with and then have theirs added to me? That would just leave us both more stressed out than ever.
This post is quite profound
I actually feel like Arc Raiders has helped with this a bit.
I’m very distrustful of anyone who signals peaceful intent with nothing but an emote line. If people use voice comms, it shows a modicum of social openness, and helps humanize them. More often than not, people end up chatting about threats they’ve seen or where there’s useful loot.
There’s even a famous clip of a guy breaking open a bot who gets shot at, and he defuses the situation by yelling at the shooter that he expects better of him, and that they’re all just trying to get by.
My government seems to think otherwise.
Technically that’s down to Imgur. Basically the UK government told Imgur to stop selling children’s data to advertisers and Imgur was like “No, we’re going to keep doing that and you’re blocked”.
But, OFCOM basically said “Okay sure you can block the UK and that will stop you selling any children’s data going forward, but you still sold children’s data in the past, so the fine still stands” and now it’s kinda in limbo because Imgur doesn’t have a UK office so there’s nowhere to extract the money from. However, even if Imgur did introduce age assurance (which is increasingly likely given that Imgur is based in California and California is flirting with age assurance requirements too) and therefore would be in compliance with the Online Safety Act, they would still be fined because they failed to protect children’s data in the past.
I knew imgur was getting bad but that’s ridiculous.
Anyway, Here:
It’s me. I’m one of the great many who needed this. Thank you OP!
I see the value in it, I just suck at it.
This… makes sense. Thank you
I have no fucking clue how to do small talk. I tend to get too serious too fast and feel very incompetent and overwhelmed with this kind of almost meaningless noise. So it either ends in awkward silence or in me saying something too heavy for that kind of conversation, which tends to make things awkward as well.
Example, option A:
“It’s so nice and warm today.”
“Yeah, but did you know that death rates of sensitive population groups like elderly have increased due to more and intense heatwaves caused by global warming?”Option B:
“It’s so nice and warm today.”
“Yeah.”
[silence]Maybe I should get checked for autism, lol.
Maybe I should get checked for autism, lol.
Def. do that, but also, you just need more practice whether you’re on the spectrum or not.
You are in your own head too much. You have a lot of ideas about big things that are straining at the seams to share with someone so you’re not making it about “making friendly noises” with a stranger or casual acquaintance.
The good news is there’s a surefire cure to this, but again, it takes practice so you don’t forget how to do this one simple trick to making people like you and make friends who will then want to go on to talk about deep things.
ASK QUESTIONS.
They say “Wow that game last night was wild” and you say “Yah? what was your favorite part?”
They say “I hope the weather clears this weekend” you say… NO, NOT DESCRIBING HOW WEATHER WORKS, you ask “What did you have planned?” and so on.
The key here is to set yourself aside. Make it the “Them Show” and they are the star. You are not going to form a lasting friendship by saying the right things at the right time, you won’t get noticed at work by one awesome chat. You do these things by repetition and consistency. Do not “fast forward” in your mind when they are talking, you have to ACTUALLY LISTEN, and set aside whatever is boiling up in your mind to spill out.
If people start associating you with them being able to be the star for a minute, if you make them feel good about sharing their lives, they will start wanting to spend more time with you.
Option C:
“It’s so nice and warm today.”
“Think it will last?”Maybe you should try “medium talk” so you don’t get bored and other randos don’t get weirded out. After a comment about the weather you can say that bc of the nice weather you were hiking/sportsing/otherwise hobbying in [location], and wondered if they’ve been there recently. Or if the weather was shit that you were indoors doing whatever hobby and ask what they tend to do in their free time.
Hobby talk can basically be as superficial or deep as you need it to be, so the conversation can progress from there as needed.
Do you understand on an intellectual (as opposed to instinctive) level which topics are too serious for small talk?
Because if not then start there. If so, then it’s possible to get better by taking your time to reply and think over what you’re about to say so you can back out!
The weather isn’t a topic that will last for long. Maybe you can ask “did you see that crazy rain/wind/hail/whatever” but either the subject is going to change or one of you will segue into “I remember when I was xyz and there was this crazy rain/wind/hail/whatever”.
Conversations are about finding connections and judging what the other person might want to hear. Sometimes there’s no connection though and you’ve just got to bring up something else. Questions are good because they allow the other person to talk :p
Option C:
“It’s so nice and warm today.”
“Nice and warm today?”
The Solid Snake approach
"That’s right, Snake. Warmth is a physical phenomenon produced by a variety of factors, typically the sun. It occurs most often in tropical environments, but it can even be found in arctic climates…especially between two people. But did you know humans are also capable of generating something known as “artificial warmth”? "
“Hrrm… artificial warmth, huh?”
“In fact, artificial warmth technologies have been incorporated into your sneaking suit. There’s a copper lining which is powered by recaptured electrochemical activities from your body, which acts as a sort of radiator.”
“…So you’re telling me I don’t need anyone else as long as I’ve got this suit on.”
“Well, I guess that’s one way of putting it…But, don’t forget about the ‘nice’ part, okay Snake?”
So, how’s the weather?
There has been a month of constant wet drizzle here.
Same here. Pretty great, summer is so overrated!
I just wish i had more time for pike fishing is all.
That sounds lovely. Yesterday was cold, but today is going to be hot.
