You must log in or register to comment.
Yeah 45+ years of that…
I’m feeling that.
I have AuDHD. I got dx at 30 for ADHD, then everyone kept asking me if I am autistic other than family after meds, it may be some kind of OCD (mom is dx), hard to say, lots of overlap. Medication just made the other stuff more obvious. Regardless, I am very, very exhausted from the rage of feeling misunderstood for so long, but happy to slow down and figure out how to work with it. It cost me a lot of people in my life, but I am far less anxious. The only problem is, trying to motivate myself without the anger lol. I still get mega pissed off with family members not recognizing it. I am trying to unlearn people pleasing.
“What are you talking about? You’re not different. Everyone feels that way, we just all learned how to deal with it ourselves.”
— Undiagnosed parents
What becomes epidemic can often be assumed as normal.
A Cautionary Tale: Sudden Infant Death Syndrome And The “enlarged” Thymus Gland
In the first half of the 19th century, physicians were becoming alarmed by sudden infant death syndrome (SIDS). Healthy infants would be put to bed and found dead in the morning. In 1830, pathologists noted that SIDS-affected infants had enlarged thymus glands compared with “normal” autopsy specimens. It seemed logical to conclude that these “enlarged” glands were in some way responsible for the deaths.
…
If an enlarged thymus was leading to sudden infant death, removal of the thymus might be of preventive value. Radiology had advanced to the point at which physicians began making the diagnosis of thymic enlargement from x-ray films. After radiographic diagnosis, thymectomy was initially recommended, but the mortality rate was unacceptably high. Thymus irradiation became the treatment of choice.
The first “successful” use of irradiation to shrink the thymus was reported by Friedländer in 1907. Thousands of children eventually received radiation to prevent status thymicolymphaticus. Some physicians advocated prophylactic irradiation for all neonates.
There was only one slight problem. It turned out to be deadly
The cadavers used by anatomists to determine the “normal” thymus size were from the poor, most having died of highly stressful chronic illnesses such as tuberculosis, infectious diarrhea, and malnutrition. What was not appreciated at the time was that chronic stress shrinks the thymus gland. The “normal” thymus glands of the poor were abnormally small. Here is where the fatal mistake occurred: because the autopsied thymus glands of the poor were regarded as normal in size, the SIDS-affected infants were erroneously believed to have thymic enlargement
In a household or community where large numbers of people express the same symptoms, it is very possible for people to assume this condition to be the normal one and good health to be the abnormality. They may even conclude healthy people are in need of treatment to bring them back to “normal” patterns of behavior.
You can see this error repeated historically, from abusive parents assuming “being beaten by my parents toughed me up so I should do the same” to anti-vaxxers who think measles and whooping cough build character.
Something that pisses me off to no end is the commonly accepted idea that confidence is a momentary emotion you can conjure in yourself like a joyful laugh at a memory. Sure, for people who have had a life that structurally empowered them and rewarded them for having the brain they did maybe it is…
For someone with ADHD who has been told they aren’t enough and are also too much their whole life and never had the diagnosis? You can’t just make that go away with telling them they have ADHD and giving them a hug. Lasting damage has been done to that child and they may never recover their confidence in adulthood the way other people do.
I wish we would stop treating confidence like it is child’s play, it isn’t. If you undermine a child’s confidence you have hurt that child at a more permanent level than almost any other way you can non-physically hurt them.
Especially for someone who is very sensitive about what other people think of them, which a lot of ADHD people tend to be (a lot of us rely on it to motivate us to get things done!), you can’t just think better about yourself. Your confidence is like an instinct that has been learned through the summation and culmination of your experiences. If those experiences are people shitting on you for things you can’t help, you won’t be a confident person, period. That is how that works and I wish people would stop pretending it is all just wishy washy perspective taking that can be undone by simply thinking harder. Maybe for a very narrow range of people in a much larger subset this is possible, but beyond that? No
And it doesn’t just go away if the parents/guardians just decide to stop treating it entirely for arbitrary reasons.
I know i have ADHD, i know i was treated for ADHD until like 10 years old (and symptoms never went away) but because my parents “didn’t like how i was when i was on medication”, i had no treatment at all through middle school and high school, and they long since destroyed my childhood medical records so i have nothing to show for it. Frankly I feel like i should be more angry at them than I am. I probably shouldn’t have graduated high school.
TBH people don’t really “have” these things. People exhibit “symptoms” that are described as these things. For me it’s the difference between “having a disorder” (helpless, exploitable) and “having a natural reaction to a dysfunctional society” (aware, empowered).
Plenty of disorders are not helpful or rational reactions to a dysfunctional society. Natural, maybe, but that doesn’t say much. It’s one thing to be sad or angry about capitalism, another entirely to hear voices coming from the walls or think your loved ones have been replaced by body doubles.
I have ADHD, and this was my childhood. But I also learned some important coping methods, like how to mask. Given how resistant I am to learning behaviors like that, I’m not sure I could have done it without a struggle. Meanwhile the kids who were diagnosed had a stigma on them that I’m glad I was able to avoid.
My parents did their best with what they knew. I’ve got bad memories and good ones, just like every person ever.
With that said, we’ve decided to hold off on having my daughter tested, even though she’s showing some symptoms. If she has it, I don’t want that to be part of her identity until it has to be. If she starts struggling, we’ll take action. Until then, it’s best not to burden her.
We also got extremely lucky with her first grade teacher. She started the year with a very traditional, veteran teacher. Her seating arrangement changed three times in a month because, according to her, the other kids kept talking. But then the school said they had too many kids in the first grade classes, so they started a new class of just 13 students and moved my daughter. The teacher is brand new, just recently certified.
My daughter came home talking about how they constantly do “brain breaks” in between lessons, and other unusual things.
We went to the parent teacher conference, and this teacher is the most ADHD woman I’ve ever met. We did a one-on-one meeting that lasted two hours. And she’s wonderful. She’s the best thing that could have happened to our daughter. She approaches everything in a way that’s perfectly tailored to someone with ADHD, and it sounds like the other kids love it too.
So maybe we’ll have her tested next year.
audhd. still dealing with those “I’m stupid, a failure” every day because of that.
existing really messes you up
In my experience, even with a diagnosis you don’t stop feeling broken.
A diagnosis is just a generalization of the “symptoms”. And the “cures” for the symptoms are almost always drugs and almost never address the actual problems - family, society, etc.
personal mitigation is a lot easier than changing family/society/&c. i get why people medicate.
True, but it helps.
I’ll probably never stop feeling irrationally guilty at times when my ADHD and/or my anxiety hinders me from getting stuff done, but being able to remind myself and explain to others makes it easier to carry it and not let myself descend into a guilt spiral that hinders me even further and for longer.
It helps once you have the emotional maturity and skills to contextualize your own dysfunctions and divergences as such. Even with a diagnosis on the early side, everything I do wrong or fail to execute on is inherently still, and always will be, my fault.
Sure, emotional maturity is a big part of it as well, but with no knowledge about the causes for your more vexing hurdles and limitations, you can be endlessly mature and STILL not know how to tell laziness or apathy from executive dysfunction 🤷🏻
Rafiki whacks you on the head with his staff.
Go talk to a therapist!
I do that too!
That really sucks dude. Nobody should feel like that.
It’s not helped me that much either, but it has at least given me a level of understanding, and a route to direct self compassion down. It’s a really slow process, and it’s not linear or steady, but it is something.
I was diagnosed with Autism at the ripe old age of 33. When I told my parents about it, my mum lost her mind because I was actually diagnosed at 7, she just never told me in hopes I will be “normal” and thought she got away with it.
Fuck!
I got diagnosed with ADHD when I was 6 and still concluded I am stupid, weak, annoying, and unlovable.
Yeah I didn’t get diagnosed until like 20, and I don’t think not knowing negatively impacted me. I knew I was different, but I didn’t think there was anything wrong with me. I still often thought “If they can do it, I can too.”
Now I know there’s something wrong with me I do often wonder what’s the point of trying. I feel like I’m fighting an uphill battle, but I guess I also think that my successes are even more of an accomplishment?
I’ve known several kids in upper elementary school who have a diagnosis but their parents won’t tell them or get them school accommodations or services. It’s just setting them up for failure.
I was tested for something or things in 3rd grade. My mom never told me what the diagnosis was. I was diagnosed at age 41 and my mom was dead so I never got to ask her.
She was afraid of how it would make her look, I imagine, because her rep was all she was concerned with.
Similar, but my mom didn’t even want to get me tested because even the hint of something different would make her look bad.
I’m in this picture and I developed a personality disorder because of it.
I never understood willful ignorance, it’s gotta be better to know. And to have the diagnosis, being able to access directed care, have been life changing. I went through all those feelings growing up, knowing I was different, but not having the framework to know it was ADHD and what that meant and not being able to access treatment, it was rough. My kid got diagnosed when he was 9 as soon as it was evident he likely had it as well, he will not go through the same hardships I went through.
Was diagnosed at 35, apparently my dad had it, would have been good to know. Going through life wondering why everyone is smarter than myself. It’s not always ADHD, sometimes people will say such non sense that we will wonder why we don’t get it.
Apparently, when I was a kid my grandfather said no to any prescription or diagnoses of ADHD. I faintly remember that. Well it’s still there
In the case of my autism I was fortunate enough to not reflect it back on myself in most cases and instead was just frequently frustrated with how shockingly fickle, arbitrary, flighty, shortsighted, and ethically inconsistent other people seemed to be.
My mom did her best to turn it inward by always telling me I was “too judgemental” but she had already raised me with enough confidence and privledge by that point that instead of crushing my spirit it just made standing up for myself extra frustrating.
FWIW, if you didn’t already know, ASD people (and other neurodivergents) can have a heightened sensitivity to injustice and inequality. So that could have contributed to your frustrations.
I am so painfully aware yes lol. Like my brain min-maxxed that specific attribute. But thanks! A lot of young people don’t know this.
I have the same hyper sense of justice and so does my kid. Even knowing what is going on and understanding what they are dealing with, it is insanely difficult to try to get my kid to understand how to walk the fine line between being a good human/citizen and being a danger to themselves and society.
It’s really amusing sometimes to catch people’s reactions as you explain to a child that sometimes lies are the right choice. That the truth is sometimes not only needlessly cruel, but also unjust and unfair.
