I’m 34, came from a conservative home that was in a Christian nationalist cult. The idea of homosexuality was an ultimate taboo, I didn’t even learn what “transgender” was until well after puberty, well after I’d casually had the thought to myself that being a woman wouldn’t be so bad. Well after I’d been chastised for playing dress up with my mother’s clothes despite the fact my brother never did.
Even when I did learn of the T in LGBT, I had so many excuses as to why that didn’t apply to me. I’m just overly imaginative. I just get along with some more naturally than men. I just see women as people and feel strongly about their issues because I’m a progressive egalitarian man.
Even when those excuses failed me, I told myself I was genderfluid, or nonbinary. And in many ways those both definitely apply to me still. I do not experience dysphoria existing as a man all the time.
But today I cracked. I messed around in faceapp and touched up a photo of a time id shaven and had my wife put makeup on me and I cracked. I cried. I let myself feel that deep sense of longing I’d always instinctually suppressed.
And then I realized I was well and truly fucked. I live in Oklahoma. I have a child. And I live under some of the worst conditions to be beginning a journey that is being persecuted more than ever….
Take a breath, you are gonna be okay
It could be a lot worse - a lot of folks don’t realize until their 40s or later, 34 isn’t too bad! And Oklahoma isn’t as bad as where I lived for roughly the first two years of my transition, in the South.
My story sounds pretty similar to yours - I also rationalized in similar ways (my intense feminism, thinking women are just better and easier to get along with, thinking of myself as non-binary so I didn’t have to think about transition seriously, etc.).
In my experience it’s scariest at the beginning, it only gets easier from here.
The main generic advice at this point would be:
1. start HRT first
I know this sounds like a much later step, but it’s actually one of the first things I would do: it is a useful diagnostic step, changes are very slow and it can take a while to even get an appt. to start, and it’s extremely low risk and potentially extremely helpful for mental health - you can even stop HRT anytime within the first 3 months without any permanent changes, and after that the only permanent change you risk is having breast bud growth that sticks around.
2. educate yourself
Read any trans related educational material you feel might be useful, but here’s a starting list:
- Gender Dysphoria Bible
- Whipping Girl by Julia Serano (and Sexed Up as well)
- Yes, You Are Trans Enough by Mia Violet
- “What Does the Scholarly Research Say about the Effect of Gender Transition on Transgender Well-Being?”
- An Introduction to Hormone Therapy for Transfeminine People
You might also find helpful this longer list of resources.
I’ve also put together some tips on how to help with dysphoria you might find useful.
3. get a trans-affirming therapist who has worked with trans patients
It is helpful to work with a therapist, especially early in transition. You might also need them to write letters for you down the road for insurance to cover certain things.
4. if your partner is straight and/or worried about your transition, consider a couples therapist
Unfortunately a lot of marriages go through major changes (or in the worst case, don’t survive), so it can be helpful to work with a therapist to help navigate transition in the context of your relationship.
5. start sketching out plans to leave Oklahoma
Honestly you should do this even if you weren’t trans, all kinds of important metrics like quality of healthcare, health outcomes, risks of being in a car accident or victim of a crime, etc. are overall better in blue states where the government is functioning better.
Being trans is just another reason among many to leave for a better place.
That said, moving is hard. I recently had to flee from the South and I lost my home, left behind all of my friends and family, and I ended up losing my career of over 10 years. I’m still thankful I did it, but I understand it can be hard. You don’t have to have it figured out now, but at this point it’s a good idea to have a plan to escape and to work towards it.
6. relax and remind yourself you will be OK
egg-cracking is distressing, just remember that this is the hardest part and that it gets better. Pay attention to your emotional needs and take mental breaks from the topic and pace yourself. Find a way to stay within your threshold of tolerance. Seek support and help from supportive friends and family.
7. find a local trans support group and start attending
Admittedly this will have various downsides, but community is important when you are trans. It is how you learn where to find healthcare, which providers are safe, etc. When I lived in the South, I learned who I should see for everything from the trans support group - even where to get haircuts. It can also be helpful to just be around other trans people, to know you aren’t alone in what you are going through.
If your city has a pride parade, usually you can find the trans support group by checking out the organization that organizes the pride parade and other events in town, there is usually at least one big LGBT+ organization in every small to mid-sized city like this, even in places like the South, and usually they host a trans support group.
Feel free to reach out with any questions. I know it’s crazy to say this, but congratulations - this is a huge step for your health and well-being, and I’m so happy for you. I know it’s hard, but life is likely about to get much better soon 💖
People like you are why I lemmy.
Your kindness is radiant.
a lot of folks don’t realize until their 40s or later, 34 isn’t too bad!
One of my colleagues at work had the realization well into his mid to late 50s, also having a wife and kids. He didn’t start any hormone therapy because it would be too much effort for him, only really cross dressing every now and then, still staying with his current name and he/him pronouns.
I can’t say much about his life outside of work but I do know that he generally hasn’t had too many issues being the way he is. Still got a wife, still got kids and all.
I really truly hope that OP will have a similar experience. In contrast, we are in a moderately accepting area of the world luckily so who knows…
eh, I’m not going to lie, that sounds awful and I wouldn’t wish that life on anyone. I spent a decade like that - cross-dressing in private and not socially or medically transitioning. I almost didn’t survive it, and unfortunately that’s not uncommon.
I have a trans girl friend IRL who was in her 40s when her egg cracked; she lost her marriage as a result of her transition, but is much happier now and in retrospect is glad she transitioned even though she lost her marriage.
Obviously I don’t want to give the advice that trans people should always just disregard their family in favor of transition, because that doesn’t seem right to me - but most of the time because the social situation views transition as immoral, as a matter of personal choice or lifestyle, and so on it’s not viewed as a medical concern and isn’t taken seriously, so people get stuck and they capitulate to their spouses and they don’t transition. From a social perspective, this creates a situation where people are living in a repressed state, often with serious mental health issues, and this obviously increases risks of suicide, self harm, and drug abuse. So from a clinical and social perspective, there clearly needs to be some balance here, and trans people generally need to transition to avoid those harms, but that has to be done in a way that isn’t unethical in the context of the family.
Sometimes this means the marriage has to end, though this is more common when the partner is straight. Luckily my partner was pansexual, and that’s probably not that much of a coincidence if I’m being honest with myself. I’ve never been with a straight person, and that is some luck (or maybe it’s a kind of selection).
Either way, I really feel for anyone in the position of choosing between transition and their family - and to be fully honest, I would have never transitioned if that were my situation. In the end, I only transitioned for my spouse, it was a bit of a reversal - my mental health issues were causing so much distress to my partner that I realized I have a duty to take care of myself so that I’m not a burden and not creating so much distress for those that care about me. In the end, I didn’t transition for myself, but out of a sense of obligation or duty to be a better person to those in my life.
EDIT: looks like OP’s wife is supportive, which is a huge relief and great news all around
Wild to suggest as THE first thing for someone who experienced gender dysphoria for the first time to directly experiment with HRT. I don’t know, seems like that would be something like step 4. I get that it might help one to help with finding the truth but maybe start with something less invasive?
And no, I am not a gatekeeper. I supply trans people with HRT. People who came to terms with their transness and don’t want to wait for the bureaucracy to get it for them.
for a lot of us HRT is a terrifying step and we build it up as you say as invasive and risky - this is mostly due to social pressure not to transition. In reality, the risks are extremely low to non-existent, and the potential benefits are literally life saving. A lot of lives would be saved if HRT were the first step. It very often clears up depression, anxiety, and suicidal ideation without any other treatment, and for many it feels like the first time they were starting to be alive.
Clinically I think it’s unethical to play into false narratives that HRT is risky, irreversible, or severe - instead I think it should be part of the first steps someone takes when they come to realize they have dysphoria, since the risks are so low and the clinical benefits are so well demonstrated.
Not that I don’t acknowledge the psychological reality that it will continue to be perceived as risky and something people should wait to do and thus will be a scary and intimidating step, but then I feel that is all the more reason for those of us who know better to try to help compensate the social pressures against HRT by encouraging and reassuring early transitioners that HRT is low risk and life-saving.
One of the reasons I list it as the first step is because the depression that is so common in untreated trans people makes everything harder to deal with, egg cracking and looking at how to socially transition is stressful enough without depression, so by treating the debilitating anxiety and depression those challenges will be easier to take on. Simply put, addressing depression first helps address everything else.
Before estrogen, I could barely manage to go to the grocery store once a week. After estrogen I was able to clean and declutter my house, run errands multiple times a week, and generally became mentally normal for the first time in my life. So many of us experience this, and from a clinical perspective it seems more than worth it to encourage that treatment be started as soon as possible for others with similar symptoms. In the worst case scenario, if after a few weeks no mood changes happen and it’s not helping, they can stop HRT if they don’t feel like continuing at that moment.
This is all great advice. My only change would be to move out of OK first. Go to ny, or, wa, or ca or something. Go to a trans friendly state in a trans friendly area. Or, fuck, even get the hell out of this country. Mexico or Canada.
Normally, I’d say you’ll be fine. But politics right now is that you need to GTFO to a safe place right now with all the money and skills and resources that you can. Take all the family that you want and are able to, too, and make it so you don’t have to look back.
I don’t disagree that getting out of OK is a top priority, I just think it’s going to take a while to make a move like that happen. You can get on HRT much more quickly and it will likely provide immediate benefit.
It also makes sense to come up with several plans to leave the state, some of which are quick / emergency style plans (just get out even if it means temporary homelessness in a trans refuge state) while others are more ideal (move into housing with your stuff, with your family, etc.) but slower.
I certainly drew up several plans and also wrote up an escalation of what exactly would trigger the emergency plan.
For me, that was legislation being passed or change in law enforcement such that simply being trans was directly criminalized - i.e. trans people being picked off the streets or being targeted door to door and put in prisons and forcefully detransitioned in prison (like they are doing in Florida). That was my “red alarm” level, I get in a car and flee the state even if it means being homeless and not having any of my possessions, etc.
Luckily my state did not manage to pass any such legislation in that year I was trying to move (though I will note, Texas did attempt to pass a bill that would have criminalized all trans people, and luckily it did not pass), and I managed to get out under ideal circumstances.
The problem for me is that when it comes to moving, cost of living and opportunities are a big issue. Thanks to cost of living here, I can support my disabled wife and my autistic daughter on my wages of $19/hour while working from home. It seems I would need to at least quadruple that if I wanted to move to a more progressive accepting area.
There are relatively affordable trans refuge states like Minnesota (which is is in the upper half for affordability) - while it would be better, you don’t have to move to a big city to be much safer and have access to healthcare.
Here are some other considerations:
https://www.erininthemorning.com/p/top-5-states-to-be-transgender-in
Another benefit to moving to a blue state is you are more likely to earn higher wages and enjoy better benefits, as unions are more common in those states and the laws are more equitable. Depending on where you move, there might also be more programs to help assist with a disability (even financially). For example, Minnesota has various services for disabled adults, and a food and financial assistance program for families with low income. I don’t know what it’s like in Oklahoma, but where I was in the South there were not a lot of supportive services or programs like that in the state I came from.
The bigger struggle will be with affording the costs of moving / relocating - it’s expensive to move, if you need a truck to bring furniture across state, it might be cheaper to try to sell most of what you own and move with as little as possible. Otherwise, it can be thousands of dollars to rent a truck and move it across the country.
There are potentially funds you could apply for to relocate:
https://www.hrc.org/resources/emergency-funds-for-relocating-families
Finding a job in another state is another major hurdle / challenge.
But that’s why right now it’s just a matter of sketching out a plan and moving towards it, this is a big project, don’t have to have everything figured out at the start. It took me almost a year from when I started planning to when I was able to actually get out.
I appreciate all the info and the resources. My wife and I definitely have a lot of thinking to do for ourselves. We’ve made quite the life for ourselves in Oklahoma and it puts us in reasonable proximity to a lot of family and friends.
We will consider many options but my first instinct is to do what I can here. Trans people do and should exist everywhere and in spite of the adversity I know I’ll face I know I can also be an example and a role model right where I am, if I can manage to stand in the face of the tyranny I’ll be subjected to.
One thing I want to do for sure is find a community of other trans and trans-ally individuals here in OK that I can plug into and be a part of.
🫂
I fear for you.
Hey sister. These are scary times and I wish you the very best. I’m about to go to bed and I just wanted to share this link with you: https://genderdysphoria.fyi/en
It was very helpful to me when I started out.
I also wanna say that transitioning is whatever you need and want it to be, and that there are no requirements to being trans or a woman. You are exactly who you feel you are and no one gets to tell you what that means to you. Clothes, make-up, voice training, hormones, surgery, etc. While I recommend experimenting in a way that is safe and comfortable to you, I also wish to stress that there’s nothing wrong if you don’t feel you need some of these things.
Realizing that transitioning meant doing the things that relieved my dysphorias and also just the things I want to do was very freeing to me, and so just in case you’ve ever gotten the impression that some things must be done, or that you have to have some dysphoria of some kind to qualify please be aware that this is not the case. This is all both about relieving dysphoria but also about freedom of expression. (Your identity is descriptive not prescriptive is what I’m trying to say. Do whatever you feel like, and then whatever label you use is just how you describe it to others)
I’m sorry about your situation and I wish things were easier. There are many here who have lived through similar things or are in the midst of that sorta thing right now. Hopefully they can offer advice on that. I recommend checking out the blåhaj matrix channel as there are several americans there who you might wanna talk to.
Reading your message brought an immense sense of relief to me and spoke to a deep anxiety so I greatly appreciate that. I suppose I will need to learn what this matrix thing is all about, I should’ve known I’d run into it eventually being a Lemmy user for any amount of time. I’ll be sure to read the other link you sent as well. Thank you so much for your time and thoughtful response.
Yeah. That’s scary. I hope your wife is supportive, at least?
My wife is so supportive I can’t even begin to go into all of it. I’ve told her about it and she says she’s here when I want to talk.
Her ex husband is ftm and he is actually our next door neighbor and handyman who has helped us out many times. She was with him when people still knew him by his deadname and now at least for out of towners he passes. So my wife has some experience in the area and I am incredibly grateful that she is supportive of me.
That’s awesome and is a huge weight off your situation. Oftentimes an unsupportive partner is one of the most destructive things to transitioning, especially if you have kids
That is nice. Even a small support system is something to cherish. I wish you the best of everything!
You’re not fucked, it just feels that way because you’re breaking down walls you put up to try and protect yourself from the truth.
You’ve got at least one person that loves and supports you, and all the time you need to figure out what the cracked egg means for you. Come on out of your shell as slowly as you need to, and don’t be afraid to reach out since there are plenty of us that have gone through the same thing you’re experiencing now.
Yeah, it’s scary, right? Your whole life has been turned inside out.
Your wife being supportive will make things so much easier as you figure out what you want to do going forward.
There’s no rush. You can take things as slow as you need; do as little or as much as you feel comfortable with. It’s also possible your feelings about what you want will change going forward. That’s pretty normal.
It’s also very normal for the pressure (do you know what I mean?) that caused your egg to crack to suddenly ease up, and make you start doubting yourself: whether you really want or deserve this. So be ready for that. Don’t forget that you’ve felt this way all your life!
And welcome to the fold! We’ve all been through exactly where you are right now.
Thank you for the advice and kind words. It sure is reassuring to think I can take all of this at my own pace. I definitely intend to sit with it for a while. And I guess I’m gonna have to tackle this with my therapist — she’s probably going to make me go back to weekly sessions again 🤣
