Edit: Just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all of the kind and informative responses I am getting here, and for all of the constructive discussion I see going on in this thread. You all are amazing. 💜
I’m 34, came from a conservative home that was in a Christian nationalist cult. The idea of homosexuality was an ultimate taboo, I didn’t even learn what “transgender” was until well after puberty, well after I’d casually had the thought to myself that being a woman wouldn’t be so bad. Well after I’d been chastised for playing dress up with my mother’s clothes despite the fact my brother never did.
Even when I did learn of the T in LGBT, I had so many excuses as to why that didn’t apply to me. I’m just overly imaginative. I just get along with some more naturally than men. I just see women as people and feel strongly about their issues because I’m a progressive egalitarian man.
Even when those excuses failed me, I told myself I was genderfluid, or nonbinary. And in many ways those both definitely apply to me still. I do not experience dysphoria existing as a man all the time.
But today I cracked. I messed around in faceapp and touched up a photo of a time id shaven and had my wife put makeup on me and I cracked. I cried. I let myself feel that deep sense of longing I’d always instinctually suppressed.
And then I realized I was well and truly fucked. I live in Oklahoma. I have a child. And I live under some of the worst conditions to be beginning a journey that is being persecuted more than ever….
One of my colleagues at work had the realization well into his mid to late 50s, also having a wife and kids. He didn’t start any hormone therapy because it would be too much effort for him, only really cross dressing every now and then, still staying with his current name and he/him pronouns.
I can’t say much about his life outside of work but I do know that he generally hasn’t had too many issues being the way he is. Still got a wife, still got kids and all.
I really truly hope that OP will have a similar experience. In contrast, we are in a moderately accepting area of the world luckily so who knows…
eh, I’m not going to lie, that sounds awful and I wouldn’t wish that life on anyone. I spent a decade like that - cross-dressing in private and not socially or medically transitioning. I almost didn’t survive it, and unfortunately that’s not uncommon.
I have a trans girl friend IRL who was in her 40s when her egg cracked; she lost her marriage as a result of her transition, but is much happier now and in retrospect is glad she transitioned even though she lost her marriage.
Obviously I don’t want to give the advice that trans people should always just disregard their family in favor of transition, because that doesn’t seem right to me - but most of the time because the social situation views transition as immoral, as a matter of personal choice or lifestyle, and so on it’s not viewed as a medical concern and isn’t taken seriously, so people get stuck and they capitulate to their spouses and they don’t transition. From a social perspective, this creates a situation where people are living in a repressed state, often with serious mental health issues, and this obviously increases risks of suicide, self harm, and drug abuse. So from a clinical and social perspective, there clearly needs to be some balance here, and trans people generally need to transition to avoid those harms, but that has to be done in a way that isn’t unethical in the context of the family.
Sometimes this means the marriage has to end, though this is more common when the partner is straight. Luckily my partner was pansexual, and that’s probably not that much of a coincidence if I’m being honest with myself. I’ve never been with a straight person, and that is some luck (or maybe it’s a kind of selection).
Either way, I really feel for anyone in the position of choosing between transition and their family - and to be fully honest, I would have never transitioned if that were my situation. In the end, I only transitioned for my spouse, it was a bit of a reversal - my mental health issues were causing so much distress to my partner that I realized I have a duty to take care of myself so that I’m not a burden and not creating so much distress for those that care about me. In the end, I didn’t transition for myself, but out of a sense of obligation or duty to be a better person to those in my life.
EDIT: looks like OP’s wife is supportive, which is a huge relief and great news all around
I’m in a very similar boat where I’ve been struggling to understand the underlying source of my constant stress and temper. My wife had expressed that I was angry all the time for no reason and I’m coming to realize that I was angry at the fact that I lived in a world that is hostile to the very idea of my exploring my own identity beyond what was imprinted on me by society.
Just giving myself permission to say “I’m not a man” in front of people I trust and love has already caused me to let go of so much stress that my therapist noticed it the moment I walked in the door today.
She, by the way, is very supportive as well. She’s encouraging me to take things slow and really examine my feelings, especially since I also have a lot of trauma - CPTSD, childhood sexual assault, etc. - but was very clear that she supports me exploring and figuring out who I want to be for myself and not anyone else.