I’m 34, came from a conservative home that was in a Christian nationalist cult. The idea of homosexuality was an ultimate taboo, I didn’t even learn what “transgender” was until well after puberty, well after I’d casually had the thought to myself that being a woman wouldn’t be so bad. Well after I’d been chastised for playing dress up with my mother’s clothes despite the fact my brother never did.
Even when I did learn of the T in LGBT, I had so many excuses as to why that didn’t apply to me. I’m just overly imaginative. I just get along with some more naturally than men. I just see women as people and feel strongly about their issues because I’m a progressive egalitarian man.
Even when those excuses failed me, I told myself I was genderfluid, or nonbinary. And in many ways those both definitely apply to me still. I do not experience dysphoria existing as a man all the time.
But today I cracked. I messed around in faceapp and touched up a photo of a time id shaven and had my wife put makeup on me and I cracked. I cried. I let myself feel that deep sense of longing I’d always instinctually suppressed.
And then I realized I was well and truly fucked. I live in Oklahoma. I have a child. And I live under some of the worst conditions to be beginning a journey that is being persecuted more than ever….
Yeah, it’s scary, right? Your whole life has been turned inside out.
Your wife being supportive will make things so much easier as you figure out what you want to do going forward.
There’s no rush. You can take things as slow as you need; do as little or as much as you feel comfortable with. It’s also possible your feelings about what you want will change going forward. That’s pretty normal.
It’s also very normal for the pressure (do you know what I mean?) that caused your egg to crack to suddenly ease up, and make you start doubting yourself: whether you really want or deserve this. So be ready for that. Don’t forget that you’ve felt this way all your life!
And welcome to the fold! We’ve all been through exactly where you are right now.
Thank you for the advice and kind words. It sure is reassuring to think I can take all of this at my own pace. I definitely intend to sit with it for a while. And I guess I’m gonna have to tackle this with my therapist — she’s probably going to make me go back to weekly sessions again 🤣