Stuff we should get? Or features on some items?
Things to you wish you knew or had done before the baby arrived?
Any and all advice is welcome :)
My wife and I have four kids. I’m speaking with a thousand yard stare here.
First of all, having kids is BY FAR the best thing that ever happened to me.
But it didn’t feel that way in the beginning.
I won’t use “you”, but “I”. I can’t guarantee that my experience will be mirrored by you. But I can say that the fathers I know well enough to have open conversations with on this topic broadly agree with this.
It’s great you’re asking these questions. You’ll no doubt get lots of good answers. So I won’t pile on.
But I wish to tell you something I completely didn’t understand.
The first year of the first kid is HARD. It’s hard for mummy; even harder if she’s breastfeeding.
But it will be super hard for you too. Because everyone will just expect you to be “supportive daddy” and buck up. Meanwhile you’ll be going through your own journey. Your journey isn’t visible. Your stomach isn’t contracting. Your weight isn’t shifting (well, only by reaching for easy meal options at least) and (if mummy is breastfeeding) you’re not the one with sore nipples or mastitis.
There were times when I quietly, in the dark, trying to lull baby to sleep, asked myself “what have I done?” … “is this my life now?!”
I felt I completely disappeared. My end credits had rolled. I was a supporting actor in somebody else’s film.
And the crucial experience I missed was this: It doesn’t last long.
But man it felt endless. I felt utterly worn out and with no “tour of duty” end date ahead.
It’s over before it even begins. Each day today is the hardest day you’ll do on this. Tomorrow will be easier. Next week easier than that. In a month even easier.
And gradually, slowly, I returned. “I” became an entity again. I had time do something for me.
What I wished someone had told me was this very thing: It won’t be long. It’s hard but it’ll be much easier soon.
Enjoy it! Kids are just the very best thing you’ll ever do. (But only after a while).
Check out Happiest Baby on the block.
Two beds in separate rooms. No sense in both of you losing sleep. One of you needs to sleep well each night. Decide and conquer. Take shifts if you need to.
Meal prep meal prep meal prep. Have a month’s with of means ready to go before the baby gets here
Learn lower back massage. Helps a lot with sciatica during pregnancy and monthly period. If you can follow the nerve down the leg she will love you forever.
Sleep as much as you can now because after the baby arrives you won’t get to choose when and how long to sleep.
Start saving for daycare (assuming you’ll use it) now. It is surprisingly expensive.
Don’t try to leave your house in complete silence to avoid waking the baby. Make normal noise and train the baby to be able to sleep through that.
Also, never give in to a tantrum (note that this one you’re a few years away from, since I’m not talking about baby crying). Even if you realize partway through that you’re wrong. Talk it out after they’ve calmed down. You can even tell them that you realized you were wrong but that you’ll never give in to a tantrum like that because that’s not how you handle not liking something. Once they learn tantrums are only a path to defeat, they’ll adjust their methods.
Be sure your child isn’t autistic before using this method. Autistic dysregulation (meltdowns) can look a lot like tantrums, but autistic kids don’t have the ability to control or adjust this behaviour.
Absolutely this.
But there is more. Sometimes small kids (whether neurodivergent or not) simply don’t have the communication skills to express their wants and needs yet. It’s crucial to make sure that you’re not accidentally denying a kid something they need, simply because they lack the skills to tell you what they need.
Functional communication training is a big part of what I teach at work. Regardless of your kid’s neurotype, an adult has to learn to anticipate their wants and needs, then teach them how to communicate that appropriately (and honor their appropriate response.) Maybe the kid’s getting sick, and they’re acting out because they’re tired or some part of their body hurts. Maybe they’re hungry, thirsty, or even lonely. It’s our job as adults to help them “connect the dots” so they can have their needs met. Ignoring a child who’s suffering is never a good idea, but parsing out the reason for their behavior takes skill and practice.
Kids learn to move their hands before they’re able to vocally speak. However, their ability to recognize and understand the language they hear/see is stronger than many adults expect. Which is why it’s a good idea for parents to familiarize themselves with some basic sign language, and use it together with simple language to teach pre-verbal kids how to communicate. Even just teaching the signs for “help,” “more,” and “all done” can empower your toddler to make their needs clear. If you can tell your kid is struggling to reach a toy they want, sign and say “help.” After feeding them, sign and say “all done.” When pushing a kid on a swing, occasionally stop, then sign and ask, “more?” Use every opportunity you can to model communication. If you see the kid attempt a sign (or vocal word) they know (even if it’s imperfect), honor that. It’s more important that they can get their needs across than that they articulate perfectly. In time, you can shape those signs and words to be more accurate, but we’re starting with babies here, so first things first.
It’s crucial to make sure that you’re not accidentally denying a kid something they need, simply because they lack the skills to tell you what they need.
“I don’t know, can you go to the bathroom??”
Your partner went through all of the gestation and labor herself; the least you can do is be the person who changes the diapers.
Men don’t always immediately bond with their newborn progeny. It’s ok, don’t feel guilty if you’re not head-over-heels in love with your baby for the first year or two.
If you’re ever feeling frustrated caring for your newborn, take a break. They will be fine if you leave them crying in their crib so that you can take a walk or do whatever you need to decompress and compose yourself.
Most pacifiers have bottle nipple mates. If your baby prefers one specific bottle or pacifier, buy the mate.
Most importantly, sleep deprivation and stress can cause significant mental health issues, specifically anxiety and depression. Your feelings are valid. If you’re having a hard time, ask for help.
Musical instruments, not toys that play random sounds, but actual music. My brother love them and my mother is a music teacher for children (and she’s usually the favourite teacher). And you don’t have to buy many, you can test with one and then buy more if you think they’d like it
You won’t smell of milk all the time, so it is easier for you to put the baby to sleep. Try memorizing like 10 songs that you like and will be able to sing over and over again. The baby will figure out, that it is time to sleep when you sing these.
Learn how to exercise/strach baby. You don’t want to do this with a newborn. But there won’t be a lot of time after birth to look this up. Be gentile. It’s good for the baby and makes them fart and shit, easing stomach pain.
Look up baby first aid videos just in case. It is very different than adult first aid.
The first song that came to mind was from bigxtheplug, maybe try for 10 appropriate songs.
Nahhh… don’t sweat it. My son’s favorite is an old school '90 punk-rock song about “sometimes I miss marijuana”. You can get away with it for quite a while. Than you replace the inappropriate parts with jellybeans and tulips or whatever.
Shit I’ll add to that and straight up suggest doing a first aid program if OP can afford to and can find the time. It just gives you piece of mind knowing how to do shit in a safe way.
If the partner has enough mobility still I’d even suggest doing a class together as a bonding thing.
If you have multiple floors in your house set up somewhere to have diapers and change the baby on both floors. Especially for the first few months.
Start sleep training and establishing a schedule early, in the second or third week. It will help immensely as the schedule solidifies. Also make sure you let your baby go to sleep by themselves at least occasionally.
The overlap between training pets and babies is significant. The same is true with toys for kids and pets. I’m not saying buy dog toys for your kid, but be prepared that any laying around may become the most interesting thing in the world.
Buy an exercise ball and a foam roller.
Not for immediate use but front/backpack carriers. Make sure they’re cleared to do it and front carrier for the youngest.
This helped both my sanity and my wife’s the most - throw them in the front/backpack and take them for a walk. Get you out of the house, get your wife a break, get the kid some air and some daddy bonding time. Depending on kid, the walk can also calm them
And don’t be afraid to sing. Even in front of people. Make up new lyrics to your favorite song. Mine was “Godzilla”: I refined the lyrics as we walked around the neighborhood and now that my first is in college that’s one of my fondest memories
Talk about feeding plans in advance. I talked my wife into pumping and saving up some breast milk in the freezer. That way I could feed the baby when she didn’t feel up to it. Not a big deal if you’re doing formula.
Don’t be afraid to take the baby for some dad time. Mom may or may not be good at expressing when she needs a break. Our middle child would cry whenever mom wasn’t holding her, making it hard for Mom to get any rest. But, I figured out she liked low, constant sounds. I would take her out in the garage, turn on my big shop fan, and just walk around while holding her. She would finally doze off after a bit.
One of the most important things I learned was that it’s ok to not know how to feel at first. Women have hormones that help them bond with a newborn. That’s what keeps them from chucking the baby they just evicted from their body out the window or leaving it for the wolves.
Men don’t have that advantage. My wife was getting all excited about being pregnant and I’m just like, “Oh. Cool. I’m gonna be a father. Great. I guess.” I didn’t really feel anything except maybe a little fear of the unknown. I knew our life was going to different but I wasn’t sure exactly how. Then this little person arrives and they are simultaneously adorable and the worst houseguest you can possibly imagine. They can’t talk so they just cry and whatever they want, they want it now.
I honestly felt miserable. That changed one day when my daughter was a couple months old. I was carrying her to her crib for a nap when she nuzzled her little head into my shoulder and went right to sleep. I realized right then that my little girl knew who was holding her and she felt safe. That was a very special moment for me. One I hope I always remember. Right from that moment I was hooked.
Your experience may be different. Just know that if it doesn’t feel all warm and fuzzy at first, that’s ok.
Edit: Congratulations BTW!
Best advice I can think of: learn to breathe.
Theres a lot of joy in having a baby but also a lot of stress on reduced sleep. Learning to acknowledge when you’re getting frustrated and take a minute will make everything so very much easier.
Also buy a diaper genie.
I always endeavor to get things that have multiple uses. At first, I pooh-poohed (heh) the idea of a diaper genie. A regular trash can should be sufficient, right?
No. If you’re doing disposable diapers, get the diaper genie.
Your username is very apt lol
Diaper genie was great. Also reuse grocery bags and spin them into a knot.
Diaper Genie for the win!
Also, a car seat that latches into its base (base stays in car). So much better than one you have to strap in/out of the car all the time.
My family called those pumpkin seats. I had a friend who left their kid in that seat too often and it ended up with a flat head. The kid needed a helmet. Poor guy was never the brightest.
Sorry to hear that, but I don’t see how that could be the cause (unless they were leaving them in it for a week at a time).
The baby was only ever in the crib or the seat. It was a bit too late, but they started paying more attention once social services was involved. Definitely a middle child problem.
I think he’s doing better now, but he’s practically an adult.
Diaper Genie, seconded.
