“Hi, I don’t want this job, I’m just here because the job centre told me to apply if I want to continue receiving unemployment benefits.”
I had one guy I interviewed tell me, unprompted, that all the women in the company would definitely feel comfortable around him.
Ok???
It was a fast no thank you. So I guess I’d do that
Oh I did this one once! I interviewed for a job as a construction worker, and my first question was “what’s the pay” and second “how the fuck do you expect anyone to say yes to that”.
They also had an apprentice working on a roof right next to us with absolutely no safety gear in sight.
Pee
As you can clearly see I’m white and male. When do I start?
“Congrats, Mr. President! You’ve won the election!”
“Workers of the world, Unite!”
brandishes a hammer and sickle
(Legal Disclaimer: I’m not a communist, I just think this scene would look so funny)
Blowjob?
- I only push to
master - I only deploy to prod on Fridays
- I am not available on the weekends
something about your confidence… you’re hired!
- I only push to
How strict is your sexual harassment policy?
“Hey, were you at that BDSM orgy the other night?”
“Before I answer any questions, tell me about the real pay package, bonus structure, vacation and sick days and promotions schedule. I also have to warn you in advance that I have flight booked to Barbados next month so we can count that as a signing bonus.”
As a European, this sounds like a rude and slightly exaggerated way of asking a normal question. A bad way to start, but probably not something that will get you kicked out of an interview in 30 seconds.
Ask to clarify if it’s really a blow job interview like I thought I read.
leans in close to the interviewer
“That’s where that smell was coming from.”
As soon as it begins, I’ll put on that one rubber horse mask that’s been a meme on and off for the last 20 or more years.
That in itself might be enough.
If not I may be forced to make horse noises. There’s actually a sound that’s called “blowing” I think is perfect for the situation, so I could technically “blow” the interview and still get the job if they’re sufficiently unhinged.
Were it not for the potential for criminal damage, I would also stand abruptly before making the noise and then, with suitable timing, violently kick the chair backwards.
I think that could all fit nicely within 30 seconds.
Or, you know, I could just tell them the truth that my mental state is incredibly fragile and the tiniest amount of work stress or office politics is going to be detrimental to both myself and the company in very short order and that I should not have been sent there in the first place… but where’s the fun in that?
“I have AuDHD.”
That one depends on the job. Some managers will love to exploit your inclination to hyper focus on solving problems and following the rules. They won’t ask you to work unpaid after hours but if you want to they won’t protest… Doing a third of the work for a team of six people? That’s great, but your next performance review will include the criticism that you’re not as social as your coworkers because you’re too busy doing the job.
