I’ve realized over the last decade that I really don’t belong in a relationship so, this is all filtered through that realization:
First of all, I’m incapable of choosing mentally healthy partners, and they probably wouldn’t want me if I could. Can’t say I’d blame them even slightly. I’m not a very good partner, especially long-term. Short term it’s fine for the partner, as I’m a people pleaser big time, but then I get tired of being second in my own life, and resent being taken for granted…
And I have no sex drive. None at all. I’m fairly certain I’m asexual, but that realization took me almost 35 years (largely due to the social messaging aimed at women that being turned on isn’t really important, it’s your job to please men etc etc.). I also tend to find women substantially more aesthetically appealing, but I don’t actually want to sex them. (I’ve tried; it wasn’t better)
And on top of no sex drive, I was raised by a cold and distant single mother -I have no memories of affection as a child- so I genuinely never even think about being spontaneously affectionate with partners… it just doesn’t occur to me. And if they try to initiate too often, it becomes very off-putting for me. Suffocating.
However, I’m supportive (to a fault) and try to encourage positive life changes. But due to my own history, I tend to choose deeply flawed partners (mostly alcoholics and abusers), so they end up (emotionally or otherwise) dependent on me, which conflicts with my inability to be affectionate…
It’s just a mess honestly.
But I’m also just happier on my own, not having to deal with what someone else wants from me, or my disappointment in not getting what I need or was promised from them. I don’t have to maintain someone else’s standards, I don’t have to put my own desires on the back burner because their life is imploding because they fucked up again in the exact same way they fucked up the last 10 times, I don’t have to feel like shit for not being better for them, or not “fixing” them. I think I’m pretty ok as-is in other contexts, though. Not great, but not as bad as relationships tend to make me feel about myself.
(I’ve tried for decades to “fix” who I am in this regard. If it can actually be done, which I doubt, I don’t have the energy for it at this point, nor the desire to keep trying. It simply isn’t worth it to waste even more of my life on something I realize I don’t really want… I’d like more friends though…)
I feel for you, and I can so relate to so much of what you just said. Sadly. My mother was horrid in every way imaginable, (but not single). I keep choosing abusive types because I had it normalised. I would like to say I’m no longer a people pleaser, but I couldn’t tell you if that’s true, I’ve worked through some of it, maybe. I have realised how that’s self abandonment and unfair to the person in question, because as you mention, you will resent them. It’s a defence mechanism. After what I realised I was really dating, in the last relationship I tried, I don’t feel safe to date again. I keep choosing the abusive types because they feel normal / were normalised by my childhood. And I’ve questioned things and felt asexual. I’ve also learned about limerance and that wanting to be wanted, in a relationship is trauma. I don’t quite understand that last one yet. Learning comphet flipped my world. The second reason I’m staying away from relationships is because I’ve predominantly dated guys, but I don’t trust they could ever be a true partner in the way I can be or similarly expect back, through no fault of their own, but also, I don’t see them working on it, generally speaking.
As a partner I’m hugely attentive. But I burn out on people and then I’m just done with them. But by then I am usually, also, noticing hugely toxic stuff.
I’m in therapy currently, and I want to address some of that, but I really don’t like my therapist.
I think in some ways we’ve lived a similar trajectory.
A long time ago in my youth, I had this issue where, I didn’t realise till I turned around and looked behind me, that I hadn’t been single, ever. I was jumping from relationship to relationship, and right then I swore I would build a me that was comfortable alone, happy with my own company, treat myself as if I am the person I’m dating, take myself places, just because, you know. Find me. We spend the most time on this earth with ourselves as company, that’s always gotta be the best relationship of all. Any time I need a break from anything, dating, the world, I pick that adventure back up, like an heirloom knitting creation, and I keep building on it. So that’s where I am, right now. Feel free to join me, the water is devine.
I’ve realized over the last decade that I really don’t belong in a relationship so, this is all filtered through that realization:
First of all, I’m incapable of choosing mentally healthy partners, and they probably wouldn’t want me if I could. Can’t say I’d blame them even slightly. I’m not a very good partner, especially long-term. Short term it’s fine for the partner, as I’m a people pleaser big time, but then I get tired of being second in my own life, and resent being taken for granted…
And I have no sex drive. None at all. I’m fairly certain I’m asexual, but that realization took me almost 35 years (largely due to the social messaging aimed at women that being turned on isn’t really important, it’s your job to please men etc etc.). I also tend to find women substantially more aesthetically appealing, but I don’t actually want to sex them. (I’ve tried; it wasn’t better)
And on top of no sex drive, I was raised by a cold and distant single mother -I have no memories of affection as a child- so I genuinely never even think about being spontaneously affectionate with partners… it just doesn’t occur to me. And if they try to initiate too often, it becomes very off-putting for me. Suffocating.
However, I’m supportive (to a fault) and try to encourage positive life changes. But due to my own history, I tend to choose deeply flawed partners (mostly alcoholics and abusers), so they end up (emotionally or otherwise) dependent on me, which conflicts with my inability to be affectionate…
It’s just a mess honestly.
But I’m also just happier on my own, not having to deal with what someone else wants from me, or my disappointment in not getting what I need or was promised from them. I don’t have to maintain someone else’s standards, I don’t have to put my own desires on the back burner because their life is imploding because they fucked up again in the exact same way they fucked up the last 10 times, I don’t have to feel like shit for not being better for them, or not “fixing” them. I think I’m pretty ok as-is in other contexts, though. Not great, but not as bad as relationships tend to make me feel about myself.
(I’ve tried for decades to “fix” who I am in this regard. If it can actually be done, which I doubt, I don’t have the energy for it at this point, nor the desire to keep trying. It simply isn’t worth it to waste even more of my life on something I realize I don’t really want… I’d like more friends though…)
I feel for you, and I can so relate to so much of what you just said. Sadly. My mother was horrid in every way imaginable, (but not single). I keep choosing abusive types because I had it normalised. I would like to say I’m no longer a people pleaser, but I couldn’t tell you if that’s true, I’ve worked through some of it, maybe. I have realised how that’s self abandonment and unfair to the person in question, because as you mention, you will resent them. It’s a defence mechanism. After what I realised I was really dating, in the last relationship I tried, I don’t feel safe to date again. I keep choosing the abusive types because they feel normal / were normalised by my childhood. And I’ve questioned things and felt asexual. I’ve also learned about limerance and that wanting to be wanted, in a relationship is trauma. I don’t quite understand that last one yet. Learning comphet flipped my world. The second reason I’m staying away from relationships is because I’ve predominantly dated guys, but I don’t trust they could ever be a true partner in the way I can be or similarly expect back, through no fault of their own, but also, I don’t see them working on it, generally speaking.
As a partner I’m hugely attentive. But I burn out on people and then I’m just done with them. But by then I am usually, also, noticing hugely toxic stuff.
I’m in therapy currently, and I want to address some of that, but I really don’t like my therapist.
I think in some ways we’ve lived a similar trajectory.
Yeah… just… yep. Same boat.
I appreciate you responding to me and sharing, it really helps knowing I’m not alone on this weirdly specific island.
I wish I had words that would relieve it for either or both of us, or anyone else… but I don’t. Maybe someday we’ll both have words for the next lady.
A long time ago in my youth, I had this issue where, I didn’t realise till I turned around and looked behind me, that I hadn’t been single, ever. I was jumping from relationship to relationship, and right then I swore I would build a me that was comfortable alone, happy with my own company, treat myself as if I am the person I’m dating, take myself places, just because, you know. Find me. We spend the most time on this earth with ourselves as company, that’s always gotta be the best relationship of all. Any time I need a break from anything, dating, the world, I pick that adventure back up, like an heirloom knitting creation, and I keep building on it. So that’s where I am, right now. Feel free to join me, the water is devine.