I feel for you, and I can so relate to so much of what you just said. Sadly. My mother was horrid in every way imaginable, (but not single). I keep choosing abusive types because I had it normalised. I would like to say I’m no longer a people pleaser, but I couldn’t tell you if that’s true, I’ve worked through some of it, maybe. I have realised how that’s self abandonment and unfair to the person in question, because as you mention, you will resent them. It’s a defence mechanism. After what I realised I was really dating, in the last relationship I tried, I don’t feel safe to date again. I keep choosing the abusive types because they feel normal / were normalised by my childhood. And I’ve questioned things and felt asexual. I’ve also learned about limerance and that wanting to be wanted, in a relationship is trauma. I don’t quite understand that last one yet. Learning comphet flipped my world. The second reason I’m staying away from relationships is because I’ve predominantly dated guys, but I don’t trust they could ever be a true partner in the way I can be or similarly expect back, through no fault of their own, but also, I don’t see them working on it, generally speaking.
As a partner I’m hugely attentive. But I burn out on people and then I’m just done with them. But by then I am usually, also, noticing hugely toxic stuff.
I’m in therapy currently, and I want to address some of that, but I really don’t like my therapist.
I think in some ways we’ve lived a similar trajectory.
A long time ago in my youth, I had this issue where, I didn’t realise till I turned around and looked behind me, that I hadn’t been single, ever. I was jumping from relationship to relationship, and right then I swore I would build a me that was comfortable alone, happy with my own company, treat myself as if I am the person I’m dating, take myself places, just because, you know. Find me. We spend the most time on this earth with ourselves as company, that’s always gotta be the best relationship of all. Any time I need a break from anything, dating, the world, I pick that adventure back up, like an heirloom knitting creation, and I keep building on it. So that’s where I am, right now. Feel free to join me, the water is devine.
I feel for you, and I can so relate to so much of what you just said. Sadly. My mother was horrid in every way imaginable, (but not single). I keep choosing abusive types because I had it normalised. I would like to say I’m no longer a people pleaser, but I couldn’t tell you if that’s true, I’ve worked through some of it, maybe. I have realised how that’s self abandonment and unfair to the person in question, because as you mention, you will resent them. It’s a defence mechanism. After what I realised I was really dating, in the last relationship I tried, I don’t feel safe to date again. I keep choosing the abusive types because they feel normal / were normalised by my childhood. And I’ve questioned things and felt asexual. I’ve also learned about limerance and that wanting to be wanted, in a relationship is trauma. I don’t quite understand that last one yet. Learning comphet flipped my world. The second reason I’m staying away from relationships is because I’ve predominantly dated guys, but I don’t trust they could ever be a true partner in the way I can be or similarly expect back, through no fault of their own, but also, I don’t see them working on it, generally speaking.
As a partner I’m hugely attentive. But I burn out on people and then I’m just done with them. But by then I am usually, also, noticing hugely toxic stuff.
I’m in therapy currently, and I want to address some of that, but I really don’t like my therapist.
I think in some ways we’ve lived a similar trajectory.
Yeah… just… yep. Same boat.
I appreciate you responding to me and sharing, it really helps knowing I’m not alone on this weirdly specific island.
I wish I had words that would relieve it for either or both of us, or anyone else… but I don’t. Maybe someday we’ll both have words for the next lady.
A long time ago in my youth, I had this issue where, I didn’t realise till I turned around and looked behind me, that I hadn’t been single, ever. I was jumping from relationship to relationship, and right then I swore I would build a me that was comfortable alone, happy with my own company, treat myself as if I am the person I’m dating, take myself places, just because, you know. Find me. We spend the most time on this earth with ourselves as company, that’s always gotta be the best relationship of all. Any time I need a break from anything, dating, the world, I pick that adventure back up, like an heirloom knitting creation, and I keep building on it. So that’s where I am, right now. Feel free to join me, the water is devine.