Edit: Just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to all of the kind and informative responses I am getting here, and for all of the constructive discussion I see going on in this thread. You all are amazing. 💜
I’m 34, came from a conservative home that was in a Christian nationalist cult. The idea of homosexuality was an ultimate taboo, I didn’t even learn what “transgender” was until well after puberty, well after I’d casually had the thought to myself that being a woman wouldn’t be so bad. Well after I’d been chastised for playing dress up with my mother’s clothes despite the fact my brother never did.
Even when I did learn of the T in LGBT, I had so many excuses as to why that didn’t apply to me. I’m just overly imaginative. I just get along with some more naturally than men. I just see women as people and feel strongly about their issues because I’m a progressive egalitarian man.
Even when those excuses failed me, I told myself I was genderfluid, or nonbinary. And in many ways those both definitely apply to me still. I do not experience dysphoria existing as a man all the time.
But today I cracked. I messed around in faceapp and touched up a photo of a time id shaven and had my wife put makeup on me and I cracked. I cried. I let myself feel that deep sense of longing I’d always instinctually suppressed.
And then I realized I was well and truly fucked. I live in Oklahoma. I have a child. And I live under some of the worst conditions to be beginning a journey that is being persecuted more than ever….
I’m in a very similar boat where I’ve been struggling to understand the underlying source of my constant stress and temper. My wife had expressed that I was angry all the time for no reason and I’m coming to realize that I was angry at the fact that I lived in a world that is hostile to the very idea of my exploring my own identity beyond what was imprinted on me by society.
Just giving myself permission to say “I’m not a man” in front of people I trust and love has already caused me to let go of so much stress that my therapist noticed it the moment I walked in the door today.
She, by the way, is very supportive as well. She’s encouraging me to take things slow and really examine my feelings, especially since I also have a lot of trauma - CPTSD, childhood sexual assault, etc. - but was very clear that she supports me exploring and figuring out who I want to be for myself and not anyone else.