First question: how would you handle situations where you show interest in someone by writing a thoughtful blurb (maybe even witty), and they liked it enough to match with you, but not actually respond?
Second question: for those people out there who have someone show interest in you by writing a thoughtful blurb (maybe even witty), why would you not at least also say hi or some other basic acknowledgment? What is the expectation?
Everyone out here acting like failure to respond on #1 is negative. Maybe they got caught up in some shit, like life? Had that happen many times and they came back apologizing.
They may have been plotting on another date but it fell through. Nothing wrong with that, we all out here doing best we can. Was going to meet a girl Saturday at noon, texted her to say I’d been on a date Friday night and was, in fact, still in bed with said date.
“Shalafi you DOG! You go boy!”
NOTE: This woman lived with her boyfriend in a very open relationship. Just illustrating what can go on behind the scenes. Plus, it was pretty funny. We hooked up a year later. :)
Give them a day and a half, ask them out. Drop it if no response. See my other comments for more details on the asking bit.
#2: I fucking hate it, but it seems protocol to simply ignore anyone you’re not interested in. Guess many people can’t manage a polite thank-you/blow-off reply. And some people will take any reply to mean interest, no matter how clear your disinterest.
For the first question - well, first of all, don’t spend too much time or effort writing this blurb. After all, you don’t even know this person - why waste your time writing a deep dive thinkpiece? If they like but don’t respond, I say something cheeky that explicitly opens the conversation.
For the second question: because people are lazy, or not really interested in dating apps in general but are just bored, or are bots, or a million other reasons. You’ll never know, and it doesnt matter. Write a message, throw it away, move on to the next one. Again, you two don’t know each other. You owe each other nothing.
You want to make some effort. I’ve had many replies where it’s clear they didn’t even read my damned post.
If you’re interested enough to engage them, you should have found something interesting in their post to ask about in your blurb. And the prettier a woman is, the more sensitive to BS she’ll be as shitloads of guys are only pinging her because of her pics. Write a real, human response that shows you paid attention to them as a person.
But you’re right, don’t work up a damned novel. Seems clingy if you’re going that far for someone you’ve never even spoken to.
In my experience, the matching part doesn’t really mean anything other than the conversation between the two of you is now possible. Both of you need to participate in that conversation. And it needs to go well if it means you’ll have a date. The statistics are not great for men, and nothing is organic about the process, so you just have to protect your feelings and understand that if they don’t talk to you, or if it doesn’t go well, it can be for any number of reasons.
Try your best to not get frustrated, because each individual person is doing their own thing, it’s not you versus all potential matches. You are you. They are them. It just doesn’t work out sometimes
Allot of girls I know of match with guys so they can have a long list of matches. It makes them feel better. It’s dumb and shallow but that’s sometimes what’s happening.
Well that’s just fucking sad. Only knew one woman like that IRL. She must have been hella repressed because she went fucking NUTS after she left her first husband at 22.
women be shallow and le dumb
Check out this certified women expert over here, wow, insightful
Settle down White Knight. Some women are shallow and dumb.
The best relationships I have developed are those that arose organically in my late 20s / early 30s, online dating sucks and was always an awkward disaster
Haven’t met anyone outside online dating in 20-years and I’ve had great success. Married one I met online and am now married to another.
If you’ve kept up your appearance and are non-bugfuck, finding dates online in middle age is super easy. Yeah, there are far fewer attractive matches for both parties, but that just makes you more attractive. Dated many women out of my league that wouldn’t have dated a younger me.
Do not have substantial discussions on an app. Move towards a first date immediately and if they don’t respond they weren’t real anyway. There are a few types on these things, bots, ego matches, scared or ego chatters, real daters… Real daters understand a match means a date in the real world and will actively engage in making that happen… Everything else is just noise to throw away.
Bingo! Ask for that first date ASAP. If you fuck around they’ll think you’re playing, they’ll get bored, find another match, get another date, whatever. Also, the longer you chat the more opportunity there is for misunderstanding. I would not have got this date if this was a chat and not phone call:
“LOL, I’m kind of a redneck.”
“Uh…, just how redneck.”
“I fucking loathe Trump if that’s what you’re asking.”
“Oh! Whew! OK, had to check.”
See how that first line would have been awful in a chat? Without body language and voice tone you’re only getting 7% communication.
If you’re a man seeking a woman, women like decisive men. No, that does not mean ordering them around, being pushy or making unilateral decisions. Don’t be wishy washy. Ask, present plan, await answer saying nothing more.
“Want to go out Friday? Gallery Night is on downtown!”
Pick a place that’s very public, fun and you can talk easily. Does not have to involve food or drink, but those should be available. Find an activity where either one of you can make your excuses and leave if it’s not working out.
I should write a book on this shit. OK, more like a large pamphlet. Infographic?
It feels bad when you put in time and thought without any response. That’s not their fault. It isn’t your fault. Something didn’t jive and that was a miss for both of you.
There is no expectation. Just like you don’t have to respond to me here. Actually, I take that back. The expectation is that they (and you) will only engage their own (or your own) terms. Neither of you owes the other anything.
What would I do? I would take no response as a hint and back off entirely. Matching carries absolutely no obligation to respond to me.
You’re absolutely right about how no one has to respond or keep a conversation going past its expiration date. If anything, I just find it odd to match with someone and not take it any further.
When I was online dating I would definitely hit a limit of how many folks I was able to talk to.
I’d stop engaging with the match component at that point, until I had more time/energy to talk to someone new, but some were already out there.
It can also be a mismatch in expectations about first messages. I’d generally start on the short end, and messages would naturally get a bit longer over time.
Conventions for your dating app may be different, but as both a recipient and a sender I generally found these guidelines to be true: “hey how are you?” might be too short and not engaging enough. Anything longer than 2 sentences might be too long and overly forward.
It can also be a mismatch in expectations about first messages.
Especially since each match is with a different person with their own internal gauge of what a first message looks like. Too long and too short are both subjective and vary from match to match. The same message might be too long and desperate for one match, and too short and disinterested for another. You’re inherently making judgement calls and rolling the dice.
Sometimes you match while swiping absent-mindedly, and lose interest on a second look.
Sometimes you hit it off with someone else first.
Sometimes you just have so many matches that some of them fall through the cracks and get buried.
I’m going to guess that you do not have a lot of matches, so each one feels precious. But it’s likely that your match has dozens, if not hundreds, of matches themselves.
Crafting a message that comes off as interesting without seeming desperate is a very delicate skill, and even if you nail it you can still get overlooked. That’s life.
Dating apps are largely a numbers game. You’ve just got to tune your profile and try not to be too picky yourself. Most of your matches are going to go nowhere, and you can’t let that bog you down.
Sometimes you just have so many matches that some of them fall through the cracks and get buried
Things sure have changed since I was on the apps…
I’m assuming OP is a man matching with women, and that’s always been pretty typical for women.
If they don’t respond, then move on to the next one.
Dating online is an extreme numbers game, eventually you will match with someone who gives enough of a shit to reply.
1st question: They are not interested in you.
2nd question: I get interest from women on apps who I have on interest in, who are often horribly incompatible with me. Why they are so interested in me, I will NEVER know. I ignore/block them. I have wasted so many years of my life dating people who were incompatible liars who only wanted to date me for shallow reason and I’m never making that mistake again. Responding to people is stupid if you are not interested in them.
What I expect is to go on dates with people who compatible with me and possible interested in me. What I mostly get is women who are completely disinterested in me if we are compatible, and lots of interest from incompatible women.
Value yourself dude, it’s not worth the brain damage of trying to accommodate people who don’t reciprocate or acknowledge effort you put in
some men have no other choices if they want companionship though, sadly.
Honestly, better off just getting a pet than being in a relationship where you’re not valued
Double for anything online.
Don’t take anything personally.
Everybody moves at a different speed, and if the speed isn’t working for you, take it as a sign. I have found that people who take their sweet time responding end up being a little selfish, because they don’t see you as a person who’s investing time to get to know them, all they see is when it’s convenient for them to reply.
Sometimes people go on a date and have a great time and then they just don’t go back on the app. Likewise, sometimes people go on the app and they only need about 24 hours to feel like that was a huge mistake and they don’t come back.
And as for declining or not responding to a blurb. I feel that’s completely fine, you don’t even need to reply. Not everybody is for everybody, and it’s not your job to soothe feelings. Swiping the other way, or ignoring, is a clear sign you’re not interested, and that’s all is required in the adult world.
Everybody moves at a different speed, and if the speed isn’t working for you, take it as a sign. I have found that people who take their sweet time responding end up being a little selfish, because they don’t see you as a person who’s investing time to get to know them, all they see is when it’s convenient for them to reply.
I take my time because I have a busy life and I’m not on my phone most of the day. I reply when I’m ready to reply. I am not going to reply just because some stranger has anxiety/control issues with texting. and I’ve found people who get upset at your lack of timely replies (in terms of hours/minutes) always always have massive control/anxiety problems. I’m not compatible with people who operate like that.
That’s me exactly. Took my wife a long time to figure out that I’m not worshiping at my phone. Only reason I see half my texts is they pop on my PC.
Buddy of mine was dating this woman (we were all around 49) and he got a Sunday morning text. Decided to answer after church, then decided to eat first. LOL my god, this women comes police knocking on his door demanding an answer as to why he didn’t reply. Then she storms off, “You don’t care! You don’t love me!”
“Dude. You sure she’s our age and not a 15-yo in disguise?”
We’re were talking days. Only a complete freak needs minute or hourly replies but if a person doesn’t reply after days, don’t bother with them.
Others covered a lot, but also never forget those apps have huge bot problems and many manipulate shit themselves.
Their financial goal is to keep you using the site and engaged, not to help you find a partner.
Move on, send more messages. Understand that women get bombarded with messages, like 100+ every day, and they can’t respond to all of them. You didn’t make the cut this time but eventually you will.
Give them a few days or week to respond and then attempt to engage the conversation again with a different blurb.
That’s what I did, but that’s way too long to wait. I’m putting one more shot across the bow within 36 hours and I’m out if no response.
On waiting:
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Move on. Whatever happened, they’re not interested enough to respond.
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I usually respond to thoughtful comments even if I’m not interested. When I don’t it’s because I started dating someone/got busy and haven’t had time to go through all the messages -OR- it wasn’t as thoughtful or witty as they think and I don’t want to engage.
Some examples:
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“You sound like a lot of fun. My wife and I recently opened our relationship and…”
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“You don’t seem like other girls, a rare find in this place…”
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“I know your profile says no one over (x) years old but I’m (2x) and…”
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“You look like lots of fun. My wife, her boyfriend and I have opened our relationship and…”
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