A lot of this mental load is, in a way, self inflicted. You don’t HAVE to constantly think of others, you don’t HAVE to fix everything, and sometimes people don’t learn until you stop managing all their problems for them.
Professionally, you can just stop taking responsibility for other people’s problems. As long as you keep juggling things, others will keep throwing you stuff. Just warn them, and let the next thing smash on the floor.
And privately… Well, assuming you’re talking about another functioning adult, you can simply split responsibility. And that means YOU need to let it go. My partner is responsible for the laundry. Do they fold it like I would? No. Do they do it on the day I would? Nope. Does it get done? Yes. So I let go. I don’t juggle the details, because it’s not my responsibility. I trust them to do it.
So nah, I’m not really struggling with any of it. And a lot of what i could be worrying about, I can just schedule and make lists for and automate. It’s 2025, my phone can tell me when to do something, so I can stop thinking about it.
Edit: yes, I do realize this is much easier said than done. Some of these are deep aspects of your psyche.
I take care of my elderly mother. Mine is one case where none of these are self-inflicted and I have accepted that I won’t be able to escape these stresses until she dies.
Preamble: I’m a CISHET man, however, I’m neurodiverse and have suffered abuse in both childhood and as an adult.
One of the things I’ve very recently learned is (for me) that a lot of the push to fix things, anticipate problems, and take care of others comes from anxiety spawned from my past trauma. I was the peacemaker, and I took it on myself to prevent people with poor emotional skills from fighting. I’m afraid of others being mad — at me, at others, at pets, at traffic, at anything — and that the people currently in my life will have the same unfair expectations and unhealthy responses as the people who, well, made those anxiety responses.
Being on top of everything is my way of avoiding the fear and anxiety, but it burns me out and makes me resentful, even if I can’t consciously identify I will feel that way before I get to that point. It puts a major strain on my relationships and really impoverishes me.
By choosing to be okay with the fear that I’m letting others down, and communicating with them before I reach my breaking point (either in terms of burnout or frustration), I don’t create expectations that I don’t enjoy fulfilling/or I don’t make it so that I don’t feel like I can’t renegotiate responsibilities with people.
Which is all to say: Holding and maintaining boundaries is scary, but it will make you happier. And it will make your relationships stronger as you lean in to trust each other more. No one can do everything. It’s okay to be human, and it’s okay to recognize that people who have unfair expectations of you are not healthy for you/you should still hold your boundaries on what you’re willing to give.
I worry sometimes my intent is lost in all my words, but to be clear, I see my comment as being in support of the one I’m replying to, just with a different context.
Hey monument thanks so much for stopping by! You’ve made a long, insightful comment with some great pointers in. We are women only, so please don’t comment again.
However I’m leaving your comment up because I think a lot of members will get a lot from it ❤️
A lot of this mental load is, in a way, self inflicted. You don’t HAVE to constantly think of others, you don’t HAVE to fix everything, and sometimes people don’t learn until you stop managing all their problems for them.
Professionally, you can just stop taking responsibility for other people’s problems. As long as you keep juggling things, others will keep throwing you stuff. Just warn them, and let the next thing smash on the floor.
And privately… Well, assuming you’re talking about another functioning adult, you can simply split responsibility. And that means YOU need to let it go. My partner is responsible for the laundry. Do they fold it like I would? No. Do they do it on the day I would? Nope. Does it get done? Yes. So I let go. I don’t juggle the details, because it’s not my responsibility. I trust them to do it.
So nah, I’m not really struggling with any of it. And a lot of what i could be worrying about, I can just schedule and make lists for and automate. It’s 2025, my phone can tell me when to do something, so I can stop thinking about it.
Edit: yes, I do realize this is much easier said than done. Some of these are deep aspects of your psyche.
I take care of my elderly mother. Mine is one case where none of these are self-inflicted and I have accepted that I won’t be able to escape these stresses until she dies.
That’s a heavy and constant load. At work you get set hours and clearly defined rules. It’s very different caring
You have to make sure at work you don’t get blamed for other people’s fuck ups, or that their bad decisions will cause huge problems for you
The warning should include several CYA mails, in that case.
(Greetings from all!)
Preamble: I’m a CISHET man, however, I’m neurodiverse and have suffered abuse in both childhood and as an adult.
One of the things I’ve very recently learned is (for me) that a lot of the push to fix things, anticipate problems, and take care of others comes from anxiety spawned from my past trauma. I was the peacemaker, and I took it on myself to prevent people with poor emotional skills from fighting. I’m afraid of others being mad — at me, at others, at pets, at traffic, at anything — and that the people currently in my life will have the same unfair expectations and unhealthy responses as the people who, well, made those anxiety responses.
Being on top of everything is my way of avoiding the fear and anxiety, but it burns me out and makes me resentful, even if I can’t consciously identify I will feel that way before I get to that point. It puts a major strain on my relationships and really impoverishes me.
By choosing to be okay with the fear that I’m letting others down, and communicating with them before I reach my breaking point (either in terms of burnout or frustration), I don’t create expectations that I don’t enjoy fulfilling/or I don’t make it so that I don’t feel like I can’t renegotiate responsibilities with people.
Which is all to say: Holding and maintaining boundaries is scary, but it will make you happier. And it will make your relationships stronger as you lean in to trust each other more. No one can do everything. It’s okay to be human, and it’s okay to recognize that people who have unfair expectations of you are not healthy for you/you should still hold your boundaries on what you’re willing to give.
I worry sometimes my intent is lost in all my words, but to be clear, I see my comment as being in support of the one I’m replying to, just with a different context.
Hey monument thanks so much for stopping by! You’ve made a long, insightful comment with some great pointers in. We are women only, so please don’t comment again.
However I’m leaving your comment up because I think a lot of members will get a lot from it ❤️
This a really valuable comment. Thanks for sharing your advice :)