I have so many things I wish I could help men understand, lol.
Here’s just one of them: the idea that women dress and wear makeup for men is grossly oversimplified to the point of being false.
We mostly dress and wear makeup for ourselves and for other women; being pretty isn’t meant to manipulate you into sex, it’s more about social status among women and feeling good about ourselves.
Not to say we don’t ever dress to attract men (or even that this could be some deeper reason as to why social status among straight women relates to our looks), but it’s way too common for men to believe makeup & women’s clothes categorically exist to manipulate men (and that it’s women’s fault and intention to do so).
If every man vanished from the earth, women would be wearing makeup, making their hair nice, and dressing in ways that make them feel good.
I started writing a whole list of things I wished men understood, but it sometimes feels impossible to communicate. How am I supposed to convey the lived experiences of being a woman (being ignored and dismissed, being seen as non-serious and like a child, the vulnerability in the world, the fears that men’s quiet anger could turn snap and turn violent, etc.)? I think one of the biggest things holding us back is the inaccessibility of those qualia: men don’t know what it’s like, and so it’s easy to doubt or dismiss accounts, especially subtle experiences women have (especially in a context where women are already stereotyped as manipulative, dishonest, dramatic, and non-serious).
Yes you’re right. Few men have any idea how hard the world is for women and the constant fucking FEAR. Carefully managing men in interactions to keep them calm, avoiding certain places at certain times, scanning rooms of men to spot problem ones etc. There’s a reason “me too” happened and it really is all of us. And that’s before we get into the day to day marginalisation, dismissing, silencing etc.
The clothing thing always makes me laugh. This idea that women are dressing thinking “I’ll wear purple today to try to trick a man into liking me”. If it was that simple we wouldn’t need online dating! We’d just wear the magic clothing and get coupled up.
One coworker of mine told me in hushed tones like a conspiracy theorist about how lipstick and blush were invented so women can mimic the appearance of being sexual aroused, because (as he explained) during blood diverts to the lips and cheeks during sex. He kept going on about how fucked up this was, and I couldn’t quite tell what he thought of it exactly - is he saying it’s fucked up that women are coerced into being sexualized, or is he saying it’s fucked up that women use makeup to manipulate men?
What I would give to go back to that conversation, to walk through everything with him …
I have a horrible feeling he thought it was manipulative, based on similar conversations I’ve had with men. I wonder does he think make up tutorials are women saying “this colour is good because you look aroused without looking TOO aroused. You may want to take photos of yourself during sex to make sure you can match the colour exactly”.
I have so many things I wish I could help men understand, lol.
Here’s just one of them: the idea that women dress and wear makeup for men is grossly oversimplified to the point of being false.
We mostly dress and wear makeup for ourselves and for other women; being pretty isn’t meant to manipulate you into sex, it’s more about social status among women and feeling good about ourselves.
Not to say we don’t ever dress to attract men (or even that this could be some deeper reason as to why social status among straight women relates to our looks), but it’s way too common for men to believe makeup & women’s clothes categorically exist to manipulate men (and that it’s women’s fault and intention to do so).
If every man vanished from the earth, women would be wearing makeup, making their hair nice, and dressing in ways that make them feel good.
I started writing a whole list of things I wished men understood, but it sometimes feels impossible to communicate. How am I supposed to convey the lived experiences of being a woman (being ignored and dismissed, being seen as non-serious and like a child, the vulnerability in the world, the fears that men’s quiet anger could turn snap and turn violent, etc.)? I think one of the biggest things holding us back is the inaccessibility of those qualia: men don’t know what it’s like, and so it’s easy to doubt or dismiss accounts, especially subtle experiences women have (especially in a context where women are already stereotyped as manipulative, dishonest, dramatic, and non-serious).
Yes you’re right. Few men have any idea how hard the world is for women and the constant fucking FEAR. Carefully managing men in interactions to keep them calm, avoiding certain places at certain times, scanning rooms of men to spot problem ones etc. There’s a reason “me too” happened and it really is all of us. And that’s before we get into the day to day marginalisation, dismissing, silencing etc.
The clothing thing always makes me laugh. This idea that women are dressing thinking “I’ll wear purple today to try to trick a man into liking me”. If it was that simple we wouldn’t need online dating! We’d just wear the magic clothing and get coupled up.
One coworker of mine told me in hushed tones like a conspiracy theorist about how lipstick and blush were invented so women can mimic the appearance of being sexual aroused, because (as he explained) during blood diverts to the lips and cheeks during sex. He kept going on about how fucked up this was, and I couldn’t quite tell what he thought of it exactly - is he saying it’s fucked up that women are coerced into being sexualized, or is he saying it’s fucked up that women use makeup to manipulate men?
What I would give to go back to that conversation, to walk through everything with him …
I have a horrible feeling he thought it was manipulative, based on similar conversations I’ve had with men. I wonder does he think make up tutorials are women saying “this colour is good because you look aroused without looking TOO aroused. You may want to take photos of yourself during sex to make sure you can match the colour exactly”.