thanks for answering.
I guess I could play a small social experiment and see how people react before I change workplaces and decide if I can and want to keep placating people this way?
Notice that I get along with some coworkers. With these ones I don’t need to play theatrics. It’s the loud, yelling ones with no boundaries the ones that grind my gears and make me want to run for life.
I’m not so sure myself. I want to be me and choose who I open up to but sadly this society is run by extroverts. Not many of them understand that some people work better in silence and are not interested in their lives. They act like I hate them but what I feel is indifference. Some of them are reeeeally thin skinned.
I guess I could play a small social experiment and see how people react before I change workplaces and decide if I can keep placating people this way?
Notice that I get along with some coworkers. With them I don’t need to play theatrics. It’s the loud, yelling ones the ones that grind my gears and make me want to run for life.
People are assholes; Ignore 90% of what they say, if possible. Just be yourself. It’s the best person you could possibly be.
I’m surprised to see that your post has been upvoted. Usually the shy, quiet ones are mistaken for arrogant jerks and get bullied and downvoted by the extroverts.
I’m actually conflicted because on one hand I want to be me, my freedom above everything else, I choose my friends and the people I open up to and otoh I wonder if I should play theatrics for short bursts of time (like 2 minutes) to placate some coworker’s fragile egos.
My teenager self with my parents were like yours: open up, talk more, you are not normal (yup, my father told me that). They bullied me and I tried that for a week, extremely tiring and ridiculous to talk to them about stupid sh*t I don’t care about just to please the needy extroverts, but obviously I would go back to my normal self, because they are so tiring. My parents didn’t respect me, same as these needy coworkers now.
It doesn’t make any sense trying to change a person’s personality. So sad that extroverts feel we do this because we hate them.
I still don’t know what the ideal solution is, or if there’s an ideal solution.
thanks for your post and good luck to you.
I’m here to get shit done and collect my paychecks, not to have ‘emotional experiences’ every day with everyone.
this. so.much.this
I expect communications to be productive, not ‘emotional’. I’m just an IC, not the company’s counsellor.
as much as I’d like to use this line, if I do where I work now, a meltdown will ensue with the drama queens at my workplace yelling at me.
And then I’ll be labelled not a team player.
I will time it. Thanks
I don’t have any answers, but you do have my sympathy.
thank you
can only say it pays to learn how to force a smile, even if it feels insincere.
I’m a terrible actor and I hate phony people.
If you just say “hello” back then they are usually satisfied.
sadly, that’s not the case where I am. They always want more.
They take offense because “wanting nothing from them” implies that they have nothing to offer.
but some of them do have something to offer: job experience and know how, but they fixate on gossiping and badmouthing other coworkers when they’re not around.
why would they take offense in you just wanting nothing with them?
I still don’t get it, but they’re this needy, apparently
If your team are chatty, you don’t need to go all out at the same level they are, but showing some willing and chatting at least sometimes will usually be enough to ensure harmony.
my team is not made of people who simply want a hello. I don’t want to even say hello because if I do they’ll dump on me a monologue about their weekend, what they cooked or the reasons why they’re angry at another coworker.
Knowing how to disengage without causing offence or annoyance is also an important skill.
can you write an answer with tips to disengage without causing offence?
I don’t think I can do this: while your post seems genuine I still find it ludicrous to have to placate needy people with attention this way. If I give them a bit of attention, they’ll want more and talk to me even more about their feelings at the workplace and distract me, something I don’t want.
Now you’re engaging; and yes, with hostility, but at least there’s communication and connection.
it’s not being a jerk that’s improved your situation, it’s matching communication styles with your teammates.
do you know those couples where they only communicate yelling? Why would a sane person want that? It still doesn’t make any sense. To you engaging with hostility is better than not engaging but I still find it appalling and prefer silence and quietness over yelling and drama. Yelling is extremely draining.
OTOH your post makes me understand how some people think, hopefully a very reduced number of people, but if this is how some of my coworkers communicate and expect me to communicate, quitting is still the right choice. This cannot be healthy on the long term.
Going on, I’ll match my new coworkers’ communication style and volume, but it can get really ludicrous if 2 “adults” at the office start yelling at each other (reason why I prefer to simply disappear)
Still baffled, because yours is a whole novel idea to me: angry communication, even toxic, aggressive and unpleasant is better than no communication. Not saying that I agree with it, but I’ll think about it when dealing with some of my coworkers.
it also guarantees that you’ll fail more often than not if you don’t get professionally trained help
would you DM me to explain what kind of help you got and how it helped?
If you’re talking about masking, isn’t it hard? like constantly being on edge pretending to be something you’re not, faking being what extroverted neurotypicals want you to be.
At the workplace it would mean working 200%: doing my job and then constantly placating them. Who does that?
could yo describe why it made you miserable? To me a job is something I do for money, not because I need friends. There are bars and clubs to meet people.