I want to remind people of a different advice that similarly gets people into bad situations:
“The worst that can happen, is they say no. Go shoot your shot”
Yeah, that’s the worst that you think may happen. The worst that can happen is you misjudged the situation and now you’re making someone fear for their safety, and you’re a horrible creep in the eyes of anyone they talk to. You may get into trouble with your employer, friends, family, you really don’t know. And you only have yourself to blame. And don’t underestimate the effects of shame (as in: feeling guilty about something bad you did)
I’m not saying flirting is never permissible, but you should set boundaries based on the perspective of the other as well. The advice “worst case, they say no” is not at all asking the question how the other would feel being approached in this way. They may have more to lose than you do
As a woman I think a much better approach is “if it’s an appropriate situation go ahead and flirt, but pay attention to if she flirts back. And most importantly trust her words over her behavior.”
I’m not attracted to men, but I don’t mind them hitting on me in appropriate situations. I hate that I get asked out at work (not even public facing). Hell, there’s one man who I knew socially who hit on me, noticed I wasn’t reciprocating, then stopped and became platonically friendly instead. That made me trust him quite a bit actually.
I think a LOT of men just dont see the flirting as flirting anyway. They miss the side-eye (or mistake the nervous social side-eye). I know I missed a LOT of “signals”. I was better when she just said “hey I have a crush on you, do you feel the same?”
You’re probably more in-tune with the signals people show. With B/G relationships I feel there’s a lot of separation society puts inbetween the two so they dont really grow up together understanding each other. So here in the UK that would be separate gendered schooling, separate clubs and activities that are historically accessible or presumed upon each other.
Some people are oblivious to signs. A guy may be on the spectrum too. This is why growing up socializing is so important but with the internet we are more isolated from social cues than ever before.
As a man, when I was still dating, I loved when women made it clear they weren’t interested or had a boyfriend. They were some of my best friends. We could go out and have a good time and there wouldn’t be any sexual tension. We could talk about other people they liked or I liked. I’d wingman for them and they’d do the same for me.
I had one date where we planned on hanging out at her apartment to watch a movie and pretty much as soon as she invited me in she told me that she wasn’t interested in dating or doing anything with me. We were laughing and joking the whole night. We had an absolute blast and for years even after she moved and married her husband we’d still talk.
I’m more saying that this is how some men talk themselves into hitting on someone in inappropriate situations, or (in their heads) blur the line without realizing. Missing signals isn’t only realizing years later that she was into you (a cliché story), but also “they’re just being friendly, it’s not flirting” (doesn’t get said enough)
Tangent, I don’t think anyone considers that abrubtly inserting yourself into someone elses bubble is actually the most honest thing someone can do if they want to meet you. It’s similar to someone who curses a lot being more honest.
Manipulating a scenario so that you come off as less creepy is actually an indication of fixation, you have to think more about that action than just walking up and saying “Hi pretty lady or man”. Not to mention there’s the inherent subversive aspect, i.e. your relationship technically starting on a lie (that lie being the interaction was organic and spontaneous, as opposed to the truth of it being planned). Just like someone who curses has to think about not cursing (as opposed to someone who just speaks their mind).
🤷♂️ I could be stupid and just wrong about what I’m saying, but it adds up to me.
I want to remind people of a different advice that similarly gets people into bad situations:
“The worst that can happen, is they say no. Go shoot your shot”
Yeah, that’s the worst that you think may happen. The worst that can happen is you misjudged the situation and now you’re making someone fear for their safety, and you’re a horrible creep in the eyes of anyone they talk to. You may get into trouble with your employer, friends, family, you really don’t know. And you only have yourself to blame. And don’t underestimate the effects of shame (as in: feeling guilty about something bad you did)
I’m not saying flirting is never permissible, but you should set boundaries based on the perspective of the other as well. The advice “worst case, they say no” is not at all asking the question how the other would feel being approached in this way. They may have more to lose than you do
As a woman I think a much better approach is “if it’s an appropriate situation go ahead and flirt, but pay attention to if she flirts back. And most importantly trust her words over her behavior.”
I’m not attracted to men, but I don’t mind them hitting on me in appropriate situations. I hate that I get asked out at work (not even public facing). Hell, there’s one man who I knew socially who hit on me, noticed I wasn’t reciprocating, then stopped and became platonically friendly instead. That made me trust him quite a bit actually.
I think a LOT of men just dont see the flirting as flirting anyway. They miss the side-eye (or mistake the nervous social side-eye). I know I missed a LOT of “signals”. I was better when she just said “hey I have a crush on you, do you feel the same?”
You’re probably more in-tune with the signals people show. With B/G relationships I feel there’s a lot of separation society puts inbetween the two so they dont really grow up together understanding each other. So here in the UK that would be separate gendered schooling, separate clubs and activities that are historically accessible or presumed upon each other.
Some people are oblivious to signs. A guy may be on the spectrum too. This is why growing up socializing is so important but with the internet we are more isolated from social cues than ever before.
As a man, when I was still dating, I loved when women made it clear they weren’t interested or had a boyfriend. They were some of my best friends. We could go out and have a good time and there wouldn’t be any sexual tension. We could talk about other people they liked or I liked. I’d wingman for them and they’d do the same for me.
I had one date where we planned on hanging out at her apartment to watch a movie and pretty much as soon as she invited me in she told me that she wasn’t interested in dating or doing anything with me. We were laughing and joking the whole night. We had an absolute blast and for years even after she moved and married her husband we’d still talk.
I’m more saying that this is how some men talk themselves into hitting on someone in inappropriate situations, or (in their heads) blur the line without realizing. Missing signals isn’t only realizing years later that she was into you (a cliché story), but also “they’re just being friendly, it’s not flirting” (doesn’t get said enough)
So, girls need to make the first move.
Asking someone a question is now tantamount to a threat? wtf?
Of course not, don’t be foolish.
Inserting oneself into another’s bubble without thought or tact can make one come off as creepy or threatening.
All it takes is thinking with your eyes, ears, and brain rather than your dick.
Totally agree.
Tangent, I don’t think anyone considers that abrubtly inserting yourself into someone elses bubble is actually the most honest thing someone can do if they want to meet you. It’s similar to someone who curses a lot being more honest.
Manipulating a scenario so that you come off as less creepy is actually an indication of fixation, you have to think more about that action than just walking up and saying “Hi pretty lady or man”. Not to mention there’s the inherent subversive aspect, i.e. your relationship technically starting on a lie (that lie being the interaction was organic and spontaneous, as opposed to the truth of it being planned). Just like someone who curses has to think about not cursing (as opposed to someone who just speaks their mind).
🤷♂️ I could be stupid and just wrong about what I’m saying, but it adds up to me.
Hi, welcome. I knew you’d show up. Have a look around and try to learn. Remember: Not everyone is similar to you. Thanks for being here ♥
I knew you’d show up. Thanks for replying as predicted! ♥