Today I saw a little albino fish at work and I got excited, but I realized I have no one to share it with lol.
Some days the loneliness hits a little harder than others, and tonight just seems to be one of those nights I suppose. I figured maybe I can curb the feeling a bit by striking up a conversation with a stranger.
Feel free to DM as well if you’d like a friend too! Or if you’re looking for some kind of connection that you can’t seem to find irl. (Hopefully this is allowed?) I promise I will share a photo of my albino fish 🙂
I got too obsessed about the idea of maternal love I started googling a bunch of questions…
Childhood was so… nostalgic… I really wish I had a time machine so I could rewatch the moments I had happiness with my parents…
Or the rare moments when my older brother wasn’t trying to best me to death… like we’d be playing board games…
jeez I can’t think of those without recalling that one time I got so scared I had to run away…
so yeah, what I’ve been uo to was just reliving memories…
I’m in the process of writing my memoir about my immigration story from China.
It’s like 1:20 am right now in Philly, I can’t fucking sleep because depression is fucking up circadian rhythm…
I joke that I probably reverted to Beijing time lmao.
I’m alone most of the time, I’ve only had what I’d call “acquaintances” never “friends” like we never really hang out outside of school…
I’m distant from cousins because they didn’t want to talk to me when I first came to the US and didn’t speak English.
So yea… the closest bond I ever had was with my abusive family members…
I know they say blood shouldn’t matter, but it’s having spent so much time together, there’s a weird connection despite abuse.
Like I’ve been with my family of origin for over 20 years and counting (I think people say it’s “normal” in Asian families to live together)…
I’m still struggling to be independent.
In holidays, people say they are just alone by themselves.
Well I’m not alone-alone, but it’s still awkward… I don’t feel so close to them anymore… too much trauma…
I remember when I was a kid, I used to cuddle with mom, A LOT
now I’m (1) too old and (2) emotional trauma makes it awkward…
So yea…
Feel free to talk about childhood stories…
Therapy helps a lot! I’ve been struggling for almost 30 years with depression, was having really stupid thoughts, but I’m feeling much better now, can feel joy & sometimes I’m even relaxed and don’t feel such a big weight. It’s a long journey with lots of ups and downs but I just want you to know that whoever you are, you matter and you deserve to live a happy and fulfilled life! I couldn’t possibly imagine, but my therapist has changed my life for the better, wishing the same for you
peehole spreading the wisdom xD
idk who to even trust…
What I really need is EMDR because so much trauma, and apparantly there none near Philly… 🤷♂️
Fuck
I tried different techniques and the weirdest was definitely behavioral therapy because it hasn’t really done much for me in terms of understanding the root of my problem, but I feel like it does the job as in help the brain to get out of the spiraling and at least make sure I can get out of bed.
I also have ADHD so weed (but in really small doses and only before sleeping) has done a lot for me, but for some it makes depressions and spiraling worse so idk. My therapist understandably isn’t a huge fan of me doing drugs.
Hope you can find something that helps at least a bit until you get the therapy you actually need!