When I hear the term “puritan” my immediate assumption is that the speaker has no actual knowledge or insight or experience regarding Christianity, Christian practices, Christian theology, or Christians as people. I assume the speaker does wish to signal a kind of non-christian lifestyle but simply has no actual clue.
How do we define comfort and safety outside of consent and safe practices?
Well, that’s the point discussion isn’t it?
There’s an argument to be made that prostitution is rape & exploitation, that BDSM is rape & abuse, and similar arguments despite ostensibly being “safe” and “consensual”. Certain people seem incapable of handling the idea that what they think is harmless might not be harmless and rather than engage with an actual discussion and debate on whether or not that is the case would rather blindly label those they disagree with as “prudes” and “puritans” who hate sex, women, and minorities and want to push a radical heteronormative Christian agenda or something equally nonsensical.
Prostitution yes, but I’m…politely, I will say I’m unsure how you could classify bdsm as “rape and abuse.” What even is bdsm in this context? If I wear some fuzzy handcuffs, am I being raped and abused? Or is it only for “extreme kinks”
To be clear: I don’t hold this specific view on BDSM myself, though I kinda get the logic behind it. I was just using it as an example as I do think there is room for discussion over it rather than flat-out rejection or blind acceptance.
I believe those arguing against specifically address the powerlessness involved in being physically restrained and the broader implications of BDSM as a form of power fantasy but I’d need to brush up on those arguments more.
Alright, well I’ll keep this comment short then. Just personally I have it as a hobby and its helped me work through a lot of stuff, and it’s something I’ll cherish for letting me make people happy. Being powerless or powerful is often the fantasy, and I find that it’s actually helped make happier relationships when properly explored.
A better reference point for your argument would probably be pornography. As much as I’ve worked there, it’s insanely disgusting and exploitative in many ways, not to mention obviously objectifying. I do think there maybe should be room for exploring sexuality and it shouldn’t be forced to be a taboo, but pornography in general is one of the sharpest point of capitalist decay and “horribleness” for lack of a better word. So that’s better to use than BDSM.
Lastly, my general view on the topic is very similar to Dan Olsen’s discussion [unfortunately a liberal] in his 50 shades of Grey series.
Edit: although…idk, I’m trying to not be angry here. It’s just as someone who went through genuine abuse, having the thing that gave me a lot of comfort in my relationships afterwards be the thing being called “abuse” by anyone kinda incenses me. But I’ll try to understand where people are coming from
BDSM is an interesting one. I admit I don’t know enough about the actual practice of it. And by that, I don’t mean what people say is the ideal practice of it. I mean the actual practice of it in practice behind closed doors. How do you properly evaluate a thing like that when it’s behind closed doors in the first place? And when the privacy of sex is so important to so many people?
This is where I figure community (in the meaning of interdependence and accountability) can make a difference, insofar as people talking to each other and feeling safe saying stuff like “my partner isn’t being respectful enough or is being pushy, especially about dangerous acts” and having a process they can go through to try to improve it, or be advised to end the sexual partnership if necessary. But in the transition, not having that, I’m not sure what the answer is. What comes to mind is having public services for people to go to that act in a similar manner, but are a bit less personalized than community systems of accountability. Not only public services to go to about misconduct, but also for education.
Leaving it to liberal individualism definitely has its dangers. There are likely people who have been raped or abused in a context that they went into thinking of as BDSM but which did not actually follow proper BDSM practices. This is a kind of thing that needs to be addressed, regardless of BDSM, vanilla, or other. Part of the problem of the liberal capitalist system is it doesn’t tend to take any of it seriously, tends to treat things as a bothsidesism “one person’s word against the other”, and acts like promoting consent will be enough.
Were that same thinking applied to sports, we’d know immediately how absurd it looks when players are fouling each other and no one steps in to put a stop to it. Not to say sex is quite like competitive sports, but just to use it as an example since it’s something that is done as a public show. And even in public, with many eyes on it including cameras, people still misbehave. Sex may not be competitive, but it can easily have people wanting different things and it can easily have imbalances of power in a relationship, and so of course problems are going to arise some of the time. And that’s not even getting into when people want, or think they want, something that is fundamentally risky or dangerous to do and so needs more thought put into consideration of it than “horny brain go brrrrrr.”
I don’t think a lot of sex positive people argue “oh just do whatever don’t worry about it.” I think i hear more about safety, security and support within the bdsm community than from outside of it. Imo sexual curiosity is not degeneracy or deviancy, but honesty. Those dangerous things you mention are taken seriously, or at least most of us try to. Power dynamics, selfishness, etc. Can all exist in normal relationships too. Hell, even “kinky” (per se) sex can exist outside bdsm and it’s communities. I’m not going to say everyone has these urges, but many people do. Bdsm isn’t about encouraging people to do these things against their will, or force this lifestyle in any degree upon people. It’s being honest about what we want and what we enjoy and figuring out how to engage with it in order to be happy with each other.
If there’s abuse, it’s handled like in any non-kinky or non-sexual relationship.