In approximately 22 hours I will tell a therapist that I am for sure not a cis man and I’m tired of pretending and that I want help. This will be the first time I have said this to anyone, I suppose technically barring this post right here.
Since I made the appointment, my whole body has been painfully tense and my stomach feels like I’m on a roller coaster. I can’t tell if I want to cry or throw up or squeal with joy. I can’t seem to relax at all or focus on anything. The level of emotional turmoil I am experiencing is… not comfortable.
I think that’s good, right? Emotions are hard. But I wouldn’t feel this way if it wasn’t important to me, I think. So much of this process has been learning not to second guess myself and accepting that growth can be painful.
Anyway wish me luck. Starting something is always scary because you don’t know how it’s gonna turn out. But nothing ventured, nothing gained, I suppose. Thanks for listening.
This all sounds very familiar. I was outside my body heading into my doctor’s office to ask for a referral to start HRT, felt like I was going to throw up trying to get the words out, and scream–cried in the car all the way home. My brain was cooking from the intensity of the emotions that come from finally, officially taking steps to breaking out of gender prison. At that time I had only expressed this wish to my partner, and I didn’t even know if I would have had the courage to talk to my doctor without her support.
The whole thing feels trivial now that I’m in the swing of transition, talking openly about it with everyone, and proving to myself every day that I made the right decision, but that first step in opening myself up to the world felt so big and scary.
I hope this first step leads to many pleasant coming–outs to the people close to you. It feels so good to live honestly and show people who you really are. Best of luck in there! 💙