I bet this sounds like a stupid question - especially coming from a man. However, NoStupidQuestions doesn’t allow NSFW topics, so here I am - bear with me.
I genuinely don’t know what this feels like from the inside. I see so many men go to extreme lengths to chase women - sometimes even risking their careers or relationships just to get laid. Some are literally willing to pay for it. I don’t get it. What does that pull actually feel like?
I’m not judging - I’m trying to understand. I only know what it looks like from the outside, but I have no idea what it’s like on the inside. I’ve had sex multiple times, and it’s fine, but it seems vastly overrated to me. Clearly, I’m not getting out of it what most other men are, so I’m trying to understand the baseline experience.
My motivation for asking is that I’m working on myself and hoping that, eventually, I’ll be able to feel even a fraction of that same pull. However, with things like lifting weights, I at least have a clear image in mind of what I’m working toward - but it’s harder to define that when it comes to subjective experiences.
It sounds like you’re describing having a responsive sex drive. That’s usually attributed more to women, but is still completely normal for guys from what I’ve read. My GF is the same in that she can get in the mood from attention, but the desire doesn’t come to her often out of nowhere.
I come from the spontaneous sex drive side, so it’s hard to imagine not being in the mood or not having these thoughts come up all the time. I go to porn because my mind craves the sexual energy. Sometimes I’ll watch or read it without masturbating because the feeling of arousal and mental stimulation is so enjoyable.
I like and accept who I am, but honestly if I take a step back and look at things objectively, would I recommend having a high sex drive? Probably not. When you see random people walking down the street you check them out. When you get introduced to a coworker’s friend you immediately think of fucking them and try to keep your eyes off their tits the whole night. You know people are more than objects, but your caveman brain is still there telling you otherwise. It’s kind of a biological curse, but it can be a lot of fun. If you’re happy with what you have then that’s probably fine.
No, I kind of agree - in a way, it is a superpower. Not wanting something is as good as having it. The desire to have sex with someone doesn’t cloud my judgment. I don’t have to waste mental or physical energy chasing something that’ll just come around again anyway. I’m free to use that time and energy for other things, while still being able to enjoy romantic relationships and non-sexual intimacy.
The problem is that what I was told growing up - that women don’t really want sex and men have to beg for it - just hasn’t matched my experience. Women do want sex, and when you’re the one who doesn’t, it can really mess up your relationships. I know women like that exist, and I’d love to find one - but for whatever reason, I seem to attract the wrong kind.
I think women more often have responsive sex drives like I mentioned earlier. This causes an imbalance where they are perceived to “not want sex” because they don’t seek it at the rate men do. Mix that with social norms over the years where women’s livelyhood was tied to men and it’s natural they would bait men with it in some capacity. This is a broad generalization of course, but lines up with the anecdotes you heard growing up.
How often is too often for you? Once a day, week, month? Are you just out of your teens, young adult, or middle aged?
I’m in my mid 30s. Even once a year is a chore for me. Every time I’ve had sex is because it’s expected of me - not because I want it. I’d be perfectly fine not having sex ever again.
Interesting. Sounds like you’re more towards asexual (I’m obviously no doctor). That will definitely be more rare, but I’m sure there are dating sites dedicated to finding like minded people.
With your desires being almost non existant, maybe it would be worth talking to a doctor to see if your hormones are in check. The people in this thread are talking about the far end of horniness because it’s intense and therefore more explainable. If you had a slight imbalance and corrected it I don’t think you will become a sex starved animal, likely you’d go to a once a month person.
Anyway, wish you the best of luck, I found this interesting :)
It might well be that I’m asexual - that’s more or less how I identify. But the conflict there is my porn use. Would a truly asexual person get this addicted to porn? I doubt it. I suspect this might be something I’ve conditioned myself into rather than something I was born with. I started watching porn long before I ever had sex, so I don’t really remember a time when I had a “normal” libido that later faded because of porn. Still, there does seem to be some correlation with increasing porn use and decrease in the little interest I’ve had in sex.
I’ve been off porn and masturbation for about a month now. That’s the longest time since I was 13 or so. I’ll keep running this experiment for a while and see if anything changes and then go from there. I’ve had blood tests done before, and my testosterone levels are normal. Go figure.
Yeah, it is an odd combination to be sure. One thing we haven’t talked too much about is the emotional nature of sex. When you get down to it, urges, orgasms, dopamine rushes, those are all the biological components of sex and you’re right, it can be accomplished solo.
The emotional side however is completely different. If you see sex with another as a chore, it does kind of imply you’re lacking the emotional side of the equation, or don’t enjoy intimacy. Do you like kissing or do you see that as gross? Could be more going on here than just yout libido. Maybe that’s what you should focus on and the rest might come in time?
Her orgasm has always been the goal for me - not my own pleasure. I’ve just struggled to enjoy sex because I’m too stuck in my head, focused on pleasing her. That inevitably leads to performance anxiety, which then causes all the usual physical issues - trying not to finish too early, or struggling to get or stay hard. Those bad experiences create a negative feedback loop that eventually makes me resent the whole thing. Ironically, if I’d just been a bit more “selfish” about it, we both probably would’ve enjoyed it more. I’ve just been trying too hard.
There’s also a mismatch between what’s expected of me as a man and what I actually enjoy. I’m not particularly dominant, and being “on top” doesn’t always feel like my place. If I were with a more dominant woman - or a man - it might flip the dynamic entirely. Right now, I just feel like I’m “forced” to play a role I’m not comfortable with. I’ve even started considering dating a guy, just to see if it would feel different. I’m not sure I can develop romantic feelings for a man, but the fact that I’m even open to the idea probably says something.