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Last week has been quite rough due to not being able to dress up girly and embrace myself (since Im at my parents place). Also had to “discuss” with my parents, that I do in fact want to get HRT (they said, I should wait with taking it until I finish University because “you know, sometimes people change with different people around them”). However I am currently at my own place (since Saturday) and Im staying here till Thursday and it felt so good being able to dress up, wear makeup and cuddling with my Blahaj (she really missed me). Did a ton of research last week around DIY HRT and I got my plan set up (monotherapy with EEN Injections), and only have to get bloodwork done for it to start. I have absolutely zero Idea how I will explain me taking it to my parents, when they find out at one point (which will probably not take to long since I am at y place usually and only see them every few weeks). I will probably force them to sit down and give them 2h long talk about why I want to do it, how I do it, what Risk do exist and how I monitor and prevent them. I am not looking forward to this, but I do not want to / can not wait a whole year for official HRT.
Started HRT but i feel so, so scared of what i’m doing. Am i doing this for the right reasons ? Will I be capable of being a woman ? Of transitioning ? Will I regret it ? I get so much doubts lately, it’s making me panic repeatedly… Life is hard right now
I remember those feelings - they still happen to me sometimes, but as time continues it becomes less severe and less frequent. Mostly what helped me in acute & distressing moments was to sit down and analyze it by writing in my journal - walk through what the possibilities were, what reasons I had for taking HRT, etc.
What I realized was even if I’m not a woman, even if I’m doing it for the wrong reasons, the objective reality is that estrogen was really helping me, and testosterone seemed to really harm me.
It was also important to recognize the alternative to being a trans woman is that I’m a cis man who has somehow confused himself, and when you consider the question “are you a cis man” you have to ask yourself if you prefer to have a male body, prefer to be a man socially, etc. - it became clear to me I certainly wasn’t a cis man … what is left is that I’m either non-binary or a trans woman, and everything about being a woman sounded great to me - I wish I had been born a cis woman. When I journal it out that way and look at it objectively, it’s hard to deny if I were anyone else I would think they were a trans woman, so that’s probably right in my case, too.
I remember especially feeling immense doubts and fears right before my orchi, because it felt like a huge commitment I couldn’t possibly reverse. A therapist of mine once noted that I should recognize that either way is a commitment, if I don’t take HRT or get surgeries, then I close a door on the life I could have had if I did take HRT and got surgery. That helps - inaction is not a default, it is not safer or more reasonable - inaction is a choice with long term consequences just as taking actions like HRT or surgery have long term consequences. The question is which consequences you wish for, what life do you want?
It’s true that seeing the alternative, just forgetting about it all and shove it in a corner of my mind, I would always wonder what had been. Honestly, this is a scary possibility to me, the road just seems so long. When I look into the mirror, no matter how I dress, no matter how I shave, I always see a man trying to be girl… I sincerely hope that HRT will help in all of this, but I’m so scared of the consequences.
Thank you for your reply, I will try journaling it and see what comes out. You’re right, it’s always useful !
Congrats on taking the first step! That’s the hardest one. I struggled with similar doubts for the first 2-3 months of HRT as well, but ever since, there’s nothing I’m more certain about in my entire life.
Thanks ! That’s reassuring. I thought that after feelings the hormonal effects I would be more set in my decision
That’s interesting, the first 3 months was about the time it seemed to take for my body to start operating as estrogen-dominant, I saw the biggest changes in my anxiety around that point. (My depression was lifted earlier than that, but seemed to come back whenever other physiological signs of testosterone seemed to come back, it took a while for me to figure out how to suppress T sufficiently, and tbh I never fully figured it out, I didn’t have peace until my orchi).
Sometimes I’m my own worst enemy!
So I joined a club for my latest fixation. Since I’d be interacting for a few hours up close with people who didn’t know me before, it was a good opportunity to see how well I pass. Of course, no weird looks or suspicious questions, and other than some slightly awkward answers to inquiries about my husband everything goes smoothly. However, my paranoia went into overdrive and I was convinced that everyone had clocked me and was really just pretending to accept me as a woman as some kind of joke. WTF, brain.
I’m probably going to have to come clean about my wife at some point before I slip up, but I’m quite enjoying being stealth for once!
Some exciting headlines, good times with friends and even making new ones made this a pretty excellent week as far as I’m concerned!
I had a fantastic weekend that set me up for some of the best experiences of my transition!
My spouse and I went to the shore for a day to do our annual “salt water reset”. They like to dip toes into the ocean once a year to feel right again. This year, I felt the same feeling. We walked along the beach hand in hand and just enjoyed the day and gorgeous weather!
That evening, we meet good friends that we only see once a year. I had come out via messages earlier. My friend told me he practiced my new name before meeting us at dinner! We discussed how a colleague of our friend had asked for her help coming out as trans at work, and how genuinely supportive she was for this person. When I explained my reasoning for transitioning (involves bad ideation, not discussing here), my spouse said they saw one of my friends wiping away tears. I am so lucky and so happy to have wonderful people to call friends! I even managed to use the women’s restroom on my own without freaking out or trying to hold it until hiring like I usually do.
Today, we went shopping and I spent almost two hours trying on outfits. My spouse took me into the ladies’ fitting rooms and got one right next to me so we could chat about the clothes. I came out of that store with an entire winter-appropriate collection, which means I am good for all seasons and have finally emptied my closet of all the male clothing. It feels good to just be me, fully.
Trans joy is possible! I didn’t think so 6 months ago, but I have a completely different outlook now 🏳️⚧️ 💖🌹
