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Started HRT but i feel so, so scared of what i’m doing. Am i doing this for the right reasons ? Will I be capable of being a woman ? Of transitioning ? Will I regret it ? I get so much doubts lately, it’s making me panic repeatedly… Life is hard right now
I remember those feelings - they still happen to me sometimes, but as time continues it becomes less severe and less frequent. Mostly what helped me in acute & distressing moments was to sit down and analyze it by writing in my journal - walk through what the possibilities were, what reasons I had for taking HRT, etc.
What I realized was even if I’m not a woman, even if I’m doing it for the wrong reasons, the objective reality is that estrogen was really helping me, and testosterone seemed to really harm me.
It was also important to recognize the alternative to being a trans woman is that I’m a cis man who has somehow confused himself, and when you consider the question “are you a cis man” you have to ask yourself if you prefer to have a male body, prefer to be a man socially, etc. - it became clear to me I certainly wasn’t a cis man … what is left is that I’m either non-binary or a trans woman, and everything about being a woman sounded great to me - I wish I had been born a cis woman. When I journal it out that way and look at it objectively, it’s hard to deny if I were anyone else I would think they were a trans woman, so that’s probably right in my case, too.
I remember especially feeling immense doubts and fears right before my orchi, because it felt like a huge commitment I couldn’t possibly reverse. A therapist of mine once noted that I should recognize that either way is a commitment, if I don’t take HRT or get surgeries, then I close a door on the life I could have had if I did take HRT and got surgery. That helps - inaction is not a default, it is not safer or more reasonable - inaction is a choice with long term consequences just as taking actions like HRT or surgery have long term consequences. The question is which consequences you wish for, what life do you want?
It’s true that seeing the alternative, just forgetting about it all and shove it in a corner of my mind, I would always wonder what had been. Honestly, this is a scary possibility to me, the road just seems so long. When I look into the mirror, no matter how I dress, no matter how I shave, I always see a man trying to be girl… I sincerely hope that HRT will help in all of this, but I’m so scared of the consequences.
Thank you for your reply, I will try journaling it and see what comes out. You’re right, it’s always useful !
Congrats on taking the first step! That’s the hardest one. I struggled with similar doubts for the first 2-3 months of HRT as well, but ever since, there’s nothing I’m more certain about in my entire life.
Thanks ! That’s reassuring. I thought that after feelings the hormonal effects I would be more set in my decision
That’s interesting, the first 3 months was about the time it seemed to take for my body to start operating as estrogen-dominant, I saw the biggest changes in my anxiety around that point. (My depression was lifted earlier than that, but seemed to come back whenever other physiological signs of testosterone seemed to come back, it took a while for me to figure out how to suppress T sufficiently, and tbh I never fully figured it out, I didn’t have peace until my orchi).