Appreciate it, but I stopped looking a long time ago. I was raised in a military family to be an attack dog for fascists, and i realized that everybody i ever looked up to or trusted would rather support fascism than accept even a mote of discomfort in their personal lives. I dont trust another soul in the world and honestly im not sure i have the capacity to; ive only ever experienced cynical monsters of human beings vying for dominance, and I got extremely good at that game. If there even is anything worth living for in this faustian existence, the weight of my sins is such that I don’t deserve to experience it
Well said, I sympathize and we have very similar backgrounds based on what you’ve said. Are your sins and blood on your hands due to working for defense contractors or military or related? If so I feel that to my core. I tried saying “at least I’m not making bombs or missiles”, but even if you’re supporting them in other ways it’s still part of the machine where poor people end up dead or impoverished, all because of billionaires war games. And they get richer along the way.
We’re not special. We’re primates. The greatest smartest ape on the planet. But it’s still just a more advanced and complex form of what chimps do in the wild. The animalistic competition and domination is fucking stupid when you start to recognize it. We’re the only fucking species intelligent enough to transcend that shit, yet look at us?
Take what I say with a very fine grain of salt. And I would never presume know what’s best for people or try to tell anyone what to do. But if you want to be effective in the one in a billion chance there’s a revolution or anything remotely like it, maybe prepare? Health wise and whatever else you might think. I’d like to smoke and drink every day too, but what about just in case? Personally I’m ready to pull the trigger if an opportunity arises, but I would want it to count. Yeah, I’m kinda saying don’t give up just yet. They way you think, we need people like you.
I don’t think people like you and I are alone. I think it’s possible more people are/will grow to feel and think this way, given the way things are going.
Yeah, I was a defense contractor. I grew up periodically wondering if this was finally the deployment my dad wouldn’t come home from, and getting the chance to work in radar jamming to keep american aviators alive felt like a dream come true at first.
I am afraid to try to change the world again. I already know that I have the capability to change things in the world, I spent plenty of time doing it. I also know that I developed my values and morality while being raised as a white supremacist, and that I am gullible enough to be misled into doing evil. I dont remotely trust my own judgement on what would make the world a better place, and I trust anybody telling me what I should do even less. I’ve already had to see and smell the consequences of trusting other people who justify violence to me.
I am really impressed with your ability to break free of your educational mold. That’s an incredible achievement in itself. You were constantly in an environment glorifying war and war related activities, and you stiff alone against that. That’s awe inspiring.
I am but an internet stranger with a completely different life history and background, and i can bring small snippets of a different world to you.
An example: I have a clear memory of a defense contractor coming to my uni to give a talk, and asking my professor off he was interested in collaborating. Money was good and plentiful, but it was painfully clear that the research they wanted us to do could be used both for peace time and in very scary applications in war time. I was queasy about it, but my professor had been looking for funding left and right to keep our group going, so it seemed that was the golden ticket. Unexpectedly, instead of jumping on the opportunity, my prof send the contractor out of the room, and asked the group how we felt about it. Nobody really dared saying anything negative. Prof invited the contractor back to tell him we wouldn’t be participating. No excuses, just a pretty rough no to his face, never brought up the topic again.
People can and do turn down flowing cash when it clashes with their morality. You are not alone.
Fair enough. Here’s hoping you find whatever happiness you’re looking for in life.
Appreciate it, but I stopped looking a long time ago. I was raised in a military family to be an attack dog for fascists, and i realized that everybody i ever looked up to or trusted would rather support fascism than accept even a mote of discomfort in their personal lives. I dont trust another soul in the world and honestly im not sure i have the capacity to; ive only ever experienced cynical monsters of human beings vying for dominance, and I got extremely good at that game. If there even is anything worth living for in this faustian existence, the weight of my sins is such that I don’t deserve to experience it
Well said, I sympathize and we have very similar backgrounds based on what you’ve said. Are your sins and blood on your hands due to working for defense contractors or military or related? If so I feel that to my core. I tried saying “at least I’m not making bombs or missiles”, but even if you’re supporting them in other ways it’s still part of the machine where poor people end up dead or impoverished, all because of billionaires war games. And they get richer along the way.
We’re not special. We’re primates. The greatest smartest ape on the planet. But it’s still just a more advanced and complex form of what chimps do in the wild. The animalistic competition and domination is fucking stupid when you start to recognize it. We’re the only fucking species intelligent enough to transcend that shit, yet look at us?
Take what I say with a very fine grain of salt. And I would never presume know what’s best for people or try to tell anyone what to do. But if you want to be effective in the one in a billion chance there’s a revolution or anything remotely like it, maybe prepare? Health wise and whatever else you might think. I’d like to smoke and drink every day too, but what about just in case? Personally I’m ready to pull the trigger if an opportunity arises, but I would want it to count. Yeah, I’m kinda saying don’t give up just yet. They way you think, we need people like you.
I don’t think people like you and I are alone. I think it’s possible more people are/will grow to feel and think this way, given the way things are going.
Yeah, I was a defense contractor. I grew up periodically wondering if this was finally the deployment my dad wouldn’t come home from, and getting the chance to work in radar jamming to keep american aviators alive felt like a dream come true at first.
I am afraid to try to change the world again. I already know that I have the capability to change things in the world, I spent plenty of time doing it. I also know that I developed my values and morality while being raised as a white supremacist, and that I am gullible enough to be misled into doing evil. I dont remotely trust my own judgement on what would make the world a better place, and I trust anybody telling me what I should do even less. I’ve already had to see and smell the consequences of trusting other people who justify violence to me.
I am really impressed with your ability to break free of your educational mold. That’s an incredible achievement in itself. You were constantly in an environment glorifying war and war related activities, and you stiff alone against that. That’s awe inspiring.
I am but an internet stranger with a completely different life history and background, and i can bring small snippets of a different world to you.
An example: I have a clear memory of a defense contractor coming to my uni to give a talk, and asking my professor off he was interested in collaborating. Money was good and plentiful, but it was painfully clear that the research they wanted us to do could be used both for peace time and in very scary applications in war time. I was queasy about it, but my professor had been looking for funding left and right to keep our group going, so it seemed that was the golden ticket. Unexpectedly, instead of jumping on the opportunity, my prof send the contractor out of the room, and asked the group how we felt about it. Nobody really dared saying anything negative. Prof invited the contractor back to tell him we wouldn’t be participating. No excuses, just a pretty rough no to his face, never brought up the topic again.
People can and do turn down flowing cash when it clashes with their morality. You are not alone.