I am really impressed with your ability to break free of your educational mold. That’s an incredible achievement in itself. You were constantly in an environment glorifying war and war related activities, and you stiff alone against that. That’s awe inspiring.

I am but an internet stranger with a completely different life history and background, and i can bring small snippets of a different world to you.

An example: I have a clear memory of a defense contractor coming to my uni to give a talk, and asking my professor off he was interested in collaborating. Money was good and plentiful, but it was painfully clear that the research they wanted us to do could be used both for peace time and in very scary applications in war time. I was queasy about it, but my professor had been looking for funding left and right to keep our group going, so it seemed that was the golden ticket. Unexpectedly, instead of jumping on the opportunity, my prof send the contractor out of the room, and asked the group how we felt about it. Nobody really dared saying anything negative. Prof invited the contractor back to tell him we wouldn’t be participating. No excuses, just a pretty rough no to his face, never brought up the topic again.

People can and do turn down flowing cash when it clashes with their morality. You are not alone.