I’m a single mother of a 12 year old boy and recently he told me he was gonna have some friends over, but he asked me if I could stay in my room while they hangout. After some arguing I did end up staying in my room for the most part outside of bringing them snacks/drinks. I was kind of hurt because I want to be that cool/friendly mom to my son’s friends and I want to get to know who my son is hanging out with. I’m definitely on the younger end for a mother of a 12 year old since I had him extremely early, so I feel like I’d be less embarrassing than other moms. Any time I’ve offered to chaperone for school events, he’s begged me not to. What should I do? Is this just a phase?
So, a few years back, when my kid was 13 or so, I used to send them memes over discord. This was 6 or 7 years ago now. And I thought, I’m a cool mum, 'cause I use discord to talk to my kid, and I send them memes.
And one day, I asked my kid if I’m one of the cool parents, 'cause I send them memes, and they said “You send me old memes”. Their friends thought I was cool but my kid? Nah, not so much…
In all seriousness though, my kid is 20 now, and I have a great relationship with them. Don’t read too much in to it. I don’t think there’s any winning with young teens and pre teens. You’ll never be cool in their eyes, and I think we just have to find our peace with that :)
Was listening to an interview with David Cross, the comedian and actor. He was asked what was the best advice he had ever gotten. He said the best advice was from Jon Stewart, regarding parenting:
“Don’t take it personally.”
Said he thought about that every day.
It’s not that you’re specifically embarrassing but your presence probably works against an image he’s trying to cultivate with his friends. Kids at this age are probably more looking to find approval from their peers. One of the ways they do that is by demonstrating independence which is “mature” and cool.
Having Mom hovering around constantly reminding him and his friends that he is in fact not independent yet, while true, is probably the last thing he wants, so his seeking to minimize your presence when his friends are over is pretty normal.
He probably thinks you’re a cool Mom but he’s trying to build a reputation for independence with his friends and your presence works against that. If you want to be really cool in his eyes, don’t even bring them snacks. Let your son know where he can get them and let him bring them to his friends himself and learn how to be a good host.
The only dynamic I found a bit off is that he specifically wanted you to confine yourself to your room. It’s still your house and the fact that he thinks he should be able to restrict yourself like that probably isn’t the healthiest idea for him to cultivate. Just do your own thing you’d normally do at the house and don’t specifically intrude on their interactions unless they initiate.
I think your expectations are wrong. Perhaps at 8 you still might tolerate your mom hovering around but at 12? It’s part of puberty to grow apart from your parents, it’s just biology. You can be glad he is comfortable even bringing his friends to your home so you can meet them and talk to them at least a little bit.
The only a bit weird thing is that they get the whole house/apartment and you’re confined to your room. I’m not sure about your living situation but it should be the other way around, they should be in his room.
Thanks for the advice! I guess it’s just hard seeing him grow up so fast. I’ll give him his space and honestly you’re right about just being grateful he’s comfortable having his friends over.
I think that’s the best attitude to have. Remember this, too: a little flexibility now might be painful, but it helps ensure that he’ll appreciate instead of resent you later on. His friends will like you, too, because you respect boundaries. I wish you the best!
I’m definitely on the younger end for a mother of a 12 year old since I had him extremely early, so I feel like I’d be less embarrassing than other moms.
I kinda don’t really understand this angle.
If you’re 12, I would’ve thought that if your mum is 30 or 60 they’re still an “embarrassing” parent.
Your kid wanting their own space with their friends isn’t a reflection on your relationship with them, it’s just their own growth.
Based on what little information we have, my guess would be that at some point your son has been to someone else’s house and their mother stayed in her room and they talked about how cool that was.
I think the only answer here is to explain that you were looking forward to meeting his friends, but you’ll do your best to give them some space, but you’re not going to be confined to your room.
You stayed in your room? No. He can stay in his room with his friends, or go outside and play. The house is yours, you make the rules, not him.
Kids need boundaries, and you need to set them. They crave direction, structure, and stability to push against and feel secure when it holds.
he told me he was gonna have some friends over, but he asked me if I could stay in my room while they hangout
FR. My kids are just toddlers but a decade from now my kid isn’t going to tell me to stay in my room.
Sure, you know what your kids going to tell you a decade from now? It’s abstract now, but there are so many variables. If they struggle making friends, it’s the first time they’ve invited people over and they want it to be just like last time at another kid’s house which they all thought was cool? It’s a tough call.
you know what your kids going to tell you a decade from now?
Yeah I kinda do.
It’s true that I won’t know what problems they’re encountering or friendships they’re navigating, but they’re only going to “ask” me to do reasonable things within appropriate boundaries.
They might say they’re embarrassed if I’m around while they’re entertaining their friends, but they’re not going to tell me to go hide in my room because that’s not something children expect of their parents.
To put it plainly, I intend to set and maintain boundaries.
It’s your house. You shouldn’t be made to feel like you can’t go to the bathroom, or the kitchen, or check the mail or whatever. If he doesn’t want his friends seeing you, he needs to learn how to exist in your space, not force you to relearn how to exist in your own space.
That’s a tough place to be. And on behalf of someone who was like this, I’m sorry.
There’s really no way to win here. Your son doesn’t want you to be the cool mom, but at the same time, he doesn’t want you to be cold or mean. You’re dealing with an irrational person who doesn’t know what they want from their mom.
The best you can do is to keep trying but expect rejection most times. Don’t overdo it, but don’t stop either. I think you have good motives, and your son probably realizes it too, but you’re dealing with chemical hormones right now and there’s no real ways to beat it except patience and waiting.
I’m sorry, it’s a hard place to be and I’m remembering how I was towards my mom during that time.
I agree with the other person here. I don’t think you need to abide by your son’s rules like telling you to stay in your room. No, you still need to be the mother and be firm especially because kids get into some bad things and sometimes you need to know when your son is hanging with the wrong crowd. Not that you need to hover over them in his room, but you should be able to be in the kitchen or living room. He still needs to respect you and that’s not irrational to expect that for yourself.
Your probably The Milf and he’s embarrassed. Set them some boundaries and do your own thing, you’ll be cool without even trying
But all the videos I’ve seen have the milf handing out the snacks in a very revealing outfit. Are you saying they’re wrong?
If you want to get the motor running for 12 year olds; I suspect you might be the wrong un
tell him to hang out with his friends at a public place like a mall or something. this is very wierd.
