(Vatican City) As the funeral for recently-deceased Pope Francis concluded this Friday, conversation that some considered “unwelcome” could be heard among those gathered to see off the pontiff. Raising his voice from a near whisper, donald trump could be heard telling Estonian President Alar Karis, “I’m just saying Jared would be a good pope, you should vote for him.” The disruption did not delay the end of the ceremony, but sources confirm that the us president is widely lobbying for his son-in-law to become pope, in contrast to Vatican law.
The president clarified later that day: “I don’t elect the pope. I don’t elect the… I could though. I could… the pope is a very powerful man, he’s dead though, but the pope could be a powerful man, and Jared is a very good man, that’s all I’m saying.” Vatican sources confirm that trump’s people have enquired how Kushner would get on the ballot.
Kushner, who is son-in-law of the president, is an Orthodox Jew, and has never been part of the Catholic church hierarchy. And while Vatican law requires the next leader of the church to be chosen by the church leadership, trump’s team notes that isn’t always the case. “The president is being attacked by the malicious politicians of the global elite and the corrupt priests of the church,” said Press Secretary Karoline Levitt. “One pope I know was chosen out of a crowd because a bird landing on him, so we say Jared is that man, and donald trump is that bird.”
But some pushback can be heard on this issue, even close to the trump team. One trump son, who asked not to be named, said, “This is bullshit. Eric and I work really hard and we never get chosen to be pope. I can’t believe he chose Jerad when I’m right here, dad. I’m right here.”
Trump’s clear lack of understanding of how a pope is elected, what a pope does, and even what religion the pope represents are considered a hindrance by Vatican watchers, but some say trump should never be counted out, once his tiny mind fixates on something. “He can’t have the pope,” said one. “But we also said America would never be dumb enough to elect him once… but here we are.”
FUCK! I believed it.
I dodged one for once!
Me to man, me too.
goddammit gote too…just goes to show how insane the world we live in. this felt like a new York times article LMAO
Come on, Onion. This is probably true
The best part of writing trump quotes is hearing him say them in your head.
I had a mini heart attack 💀
This sounds completely real.
Took me until the quote in the second paragraph before I realised I was eating the onion. Is this OC?
Yep, I write them when I have time.
And that could be a real trump quote, admit it. :)
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I believed this for like 5 seconds.
Trump would try to do this and The Vatican would end up electing some asian guy
I got all the way doen to “One trump son, who asked not to be named, said, “This is bullshit. Eric and I work really hard and we never get chosen to be pope” before I realized it was the Onion.
Everything up until then was believable. Well - even that was believable, but he wouldn’t have said it on the record.
junior (obviously the unnamed wuss) and eric claiming to ‘work really hard’ was what clued you in.
He wanted Barron but Melania said no.