Body: You are ordered to violate the Federal Records Act. Obviously, it’s punishable by 3 years in jail but it’s a federal crime so the president can pardon you. He’s golfing today but I assure you, I’ll put in the good word for you and you won’t serve a full sentence. Failure to commit this federal crime will be interpreted as a resignation.
P.S. I asked Elon if you could just list one bulletpoint for accomplishments this week as I am well aware how paper shredders jam if you try to destroy too many government documents at once. He said, “Sure, whatever.” and put his gaming headset back on.
To: All Staff
From: Erica Carr (Definitely not DOGE)
Subject: Do crimes
Body: You are ordered to violate the Federal Records Act. Obviously, it’s punishable by 3 years in jail but it’s a federal crime so the president can pardon you. He’s golfing today but I assure you, I’ll put in the good word for you and you won’t serve a full sentence. Failure to commit this federal crime will be interpreted as a resignation.
P.S. I asked Elon if you could just list one bulletpoint for accomplishments this week as I am well aware how paper shredders jam if you try to destroy too many government documents at once. He said, “Sure, whatever.” and put his gaming headset back on.