One of the first things I noticed when we embarked on this great adventure was just how tailed to Mum everything seemed to be.
I get it, they’re likely to be the ones doing the majority of the caregiving, but still, as a hands-on dad I couldn’t help but feel a little…pushed out by things. Nothing massive for sure, but little things like how a good chunk of the online resources are written as if Mum is reading exclusively. Or how pretty much every baby group in my area is advertised as a Mum and Baby group. It’s far from the end of the world, but it can be pretty intimidating and unwelcoming to a new Dad.
I hear you, and felt it too. And then feminism called and said that’s basicaly what it feels like to be a woman, always.
Look, I see the point you’re making, and it’s technically probably true. However, it’s never appropriate to dismiss somebody’s pain, injustice, or exclusion with this type of whataboutism.
I promise our hearts are strong enough to sympathize with multiple problems in the world simultaneously.
As someone who was born a woman I related a lot to OPs statement “little things like how a good chunk of the online resources are written as if Mum is reading exclusively”.
I have experienced this. As just one example, I grew up playing video games, and back then I often got this feeling as though video games were written as if a boy must be playing them exclusively rather than a girl.
Therefore, I think I agree broadly with what you’re saying, but how you’ve put this point forward is really dismissive of OPs experiences. I’m not sure if that’s what you intended but judging by the downvotes it seems many other people read it this way as well.
Unfortunately I cannot provide any advice for OP directly as I do not have any children myself, but I can speak as to how his situation is absolutely a feminist issue.
Dads being excluded from babycare and parental support groups is a symptom of patriarchy. This is why many feminists often say “the patriarchy hurts everyone regardless of gender”.
Patriarchal ideology expects certain genders to exhibit certain personality traits, and to fulfil certain roles. If you want to go against these social norms, you will get ostracised. OP is experiencing this as he is going against our patriarchal status quo of women being responsible for childcare.
As feminists, and as a society in general, we should be celebrating and supporting every parent who wants to be involved in raising their children. Fathers especially as they are often excluded from existing support groups.
*Apart from the mother and baby groups, which we are talking about right here.
This affects women too. If men don’t feel welcome it just puts more pressure on mums to be the one out of work on parental leave, to be the one who does school collections, baby changes at restaurants, etc…
I say this as a dad who has experienced all of the above. I do 90% of the school and nursery collections and drop-offs and will never be part of the mum group at the gates. My wife goes once a week and still knows everyone there better than me.
It doesn’t bother me personally, but i do think my kids end up missing out as a result. Whether it’s a group they don’t go to as a baby because it’s mums only, or activities at the weekend because I’m not in the right WhatsApp group.
However, my wife’s career is important, and my job has flexible working hours, so that’s the situation we are in. It’s not fair that we have to consider what’s best for her vs what’s best for her children.
Oh cool! Translating large systemic issues into an individual’s situation, where they are just trying to be an effective parent. Compelling stuff!