Here I am, sitting at home, living my life as usual, more or less. Yet, something changed.

I’m looking at memes and I’m actually laughing. I’m watching the same old shows I always watch on the side, and the same old jokes make laugh. Not just a chuckle here or there as I’m used to, but real, genuine laughter. It’s not like this was completely foreign to me before, but very unusual.

I’ve been struggling with my mental state for most of my life. I still am, and probably will keep doing so. 20 years of unhealthy coping strategies leave their mark. There’s been therapy, there’s been ideas of what might be wrong, though, never a real diagnosis. Nothing excluded as well - “real” diagnosis just didn’t happen.

But now it feels… different. I feel different. For most of my life I’ve been rather disconnected from my emotions. For the last week I’ve been closer to myself than ever before - maybe besides some drug-induced states. I’m almost crying typing this, the good kind of crying, the cathartic one.

And all it took was the realisation that I am no man?

  • theresa (she/her)@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
    15·
    3 days ago

    Sounds wonderful! I found that after I started HRT (which you may or may not want to, no pressure), I “felt” movies a lot more. I started crying at the sad parts, laughing at the good parts and understood, for the first time, why people like a movie based on feeling and not just the filmmaking. Generally, highs have become way higher, lows have become lower. A much preferred state to the indifference that dominated my emotional world for the first 20 or so years of my life.

    • jamie_veal (she/her)@feddit.orgOPEnglish
      2·
      2 days ago

      Oh, I’m definitely interested to see what more estrogen feels like, surely I’ll at least try for a few weeks / months eventually. But actually transitioning… that’s still a very scary thought. Or even coming out in rl at all. For now the decision is just accepting myself, no more, no less.

      Maybe I should rewatch some of my favourite movies.

      • theresa (she/her)@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
        4·
        2 days ago

        Just do what feels good for you. It took me about two years from realizing I wasn’t a man to daring to start HRT and medically transition. IRL trans friends help a lot, they let you see that it’s actually possible. Make sure you don’t hesitate or suppress that part of yourself just based on what you think others will say or think. That doesn’t work long-term.

        • jamie_veal (she/her)@feddit.orgOPEnglish
          2·
          2 days ago

          Make sure you don’t hesitate or suppress that part of yourself just based on what you think others will say or think. That doesn’t work long-term.

          Good point, yeah, I guess that’s practically what I’ve been trying to do for the last two decades, by being in denial. It did not work at all.

          I’m gonna be honest, part of what makes it easy to accept right now is also knowing that whatever happens, happens on my terms, and my terms only. But while the thought of transition is scary… the thought of staying closeted is just as sad. I’m also thinking that gender dysphoria might get worse, now that am conscious about it.

          Trying to find trans friends would be nice, though it does feel a bit selfish under the circumstances. I’ve found a contact to a local self help group, maybe I’ll start there.

          Anyway, thanks for your kind words and input.

          • theresa (she/her)@lemmy.blahaj.zoneEnglish
            2·
            2 days ago

            Trying to find community is not selfish!! Never is! Do it and don’t look back.

            And yeah, in my experience dysphoria does get worse. It took me so long to start medical transition because I had to reach a breaking point where it was transition or die for me. I was super scared my family would cut contact and that I’d never pass etc., the usual stuff. Turns out neither of those happened and the only regret I have is not starting sooner. For me, knowing another transfem IRL was what made transition feel achievable. Before, it was something only Internet people could do.