Here I am, sitting at home, living my life as usual, more or less. Yet, something changed.

I’m looking at memes and I’m actually laughing. I’m watching the same old shows I always watch on the side, and the same old jokes make laugh. Not just a chuckle here or there as I’m used to, but real, genuine laughter. It’s not like this was completely foreign to me before, but very unusual.

I’ve been struggling with my mental state for most of my life. I still am, and probably will keep doing so. 20 years of unhealthy coping strategies leave their mark. There’s been therapy, there’s been ideas of what might be wrong, though, never a real diagnosis. Nothing excluded as well - “real” diagnosis just didn’t happen.

But now it feels… different. I feel different. For most of my life I’ve been rather disconnected from my emotions. For the last week I’ve been closer to myself than ever before - maybe besides some drug-induced states. I’m almost crying typing this, the good kind of crying, the cathartic one.

And all it took was the realisation that I am no man?