I skipped the steps of the application process that would have clued the agency in on my lack of fitness for the position. I made no effort to hide my public loathing of the agency, what it stands for, and the administration that runs it. And they offered me the job anyway.

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    Things ICE agents shouldn’t do:

    • Download a virus on work computer
    • Accidentally drop cell keys into detainee areas
    • LSD in office coffee machine
    • Crash patrol vehicle into ocean
    • Arrest spouses of other ICE agents
    • Arrest all of Trump’s wives
    • Racially profile Kash Patel
    • Irrigate ammo storage areas
    • Disco Elysium stuff
    • Break into empty buildings with absentee landowners and leave them open.
    • Fake your arrest numbers
    • Deport MAGA immigrants