- cross-posted to:
- [email protected]
- cross-posted to:
- [email protected]
I skipped the steps of the application process that would have clued the agency in on my lack of fitness for the position. I made no effort to hide my public loathing of the agency, what it stands for, and the administration that runs it. And they offered me the job anyway.
You must log in or register to comment.
I found this bit very telling:
The officer ran down other departments I might end up in: Prosecutions, Removal Coordination Unit, or Detention. The point being that I should not expect to be a badass street officer on Day 1. “I have so many guys that come over to me, they’re like, ‘I’m gonna put cuffs on somebody. I’m gonna arrest somebody.’ Well, you need to master this first and then we’ll see about getting you on the field.”
I told him that I was fine with office work—with my analyst background, it seemed like a better fit for my skill set anyway. His attitude shift was subtle, but instant and unmistakable; this was the wrong attitude and the wrong answer. “Just to be upfront, the goal is to put as many guns and badges out in the field as possible,” he said.
“Don’t expect to be beating heads on day one. But if beating heads isn’t what you’re signing up for, you’re probably not who we want.”
The agent then told me a bit about his own background. Like me, he enlisted straight out of high school, then got out and vowed to get as far away from the violence of the military as possible. Like a lot of veterans, he had trouble assimilating into the civilian world. “After about six months, I was like, ‘These people aren’t like me. I want to be around like-minded people.’ ” He found his way into law enforcement.
This also stood out to me. People ive had discussions with have often tried to argue that the military is not as bad and that ACAB doesnt apply to military veterans. Fuck no. Active military deployment turns people into fucking ghouls that are incompatible with society. Some people turning out well (like the author) is just the exception to the rule.
I am trying to change careers and was joking about joining ICE with my mom yesterday. We got a laugh out of me needing to find size 25 combat boots and a human colored clown wig first. If they want a circus they should expect clowns.
I made no effort to hide my public loathing of the agency, what it stands for, and the administration that runs it. And they offered me the job anyway.
That is far better than I expected, not worse. Hopefully there are enough of such folks that we can get some internal resistance going.
Yup. If I get fired I’m definitely applying and they’ll regret hiring me.
Things ICE agents shouldn’t do:
- Download a virus on work computer
- Accidentally drop cell keys into detainee areas
- LSD in office coffee machine
- Crash patrol vehicle into ocean
- Arrest spouses of other ICE agents
- Arrest all of Trump’s wives
- Racially profile Kash Patel
- Irrigate ammo storage areas
- Disco Elysium stuff
- Break into empty buildings with absentee landowners and leave them open.
- Fake your arrest numbers
- Deport MAGA immigrants
actually, i’m thinking maybe joining ice could get me the drugs i need to live easier. also i could deport people to i don’t know honolulu
fuck yeah lsd and disco
asking for a friendv does the LSD in the coffee machine work? i mean doesn’t it get burned or damaged?
Good question, I looked and it is unstable at higher temps!
Ketamine, however, is higher-temp stable ;)
Good point. Only put LSD in a cold pot. I thought ergot survived baking but maybe there’s something that stabilizes LSD in that situation.
cold brew coffee anyone?
Now you’re talking.
Except the MAGA immigrant thing. Actually don’t do that. We shouldn’t be deporting anyone because of their politics.
My thinking as well…
Let’s say a local police officer arrests someone out in the field for a DUI. Extremely common. Or beating their wife or whatever—all the typical crimes they commit,” he said. (The “they” here being “undocumented immigrants,”
Are we talking about immigrants or cops?
D.U.I and wife beating are time honored cop activities, they have to be talking about cops for sure.
Cops, it’s always projection with MAGA.
I read just yesterday in a differen… wait, it was Ken Klippenstein, here it is - anyhow, DHS employees (I guess even some of the newly hired ICE goons) just don’t want to do this shit anymore, but The Don said MOAR so they are scrambling to get people to do the dirtiest of work.
edit: it appears the article is about last autumn, so what I quoted is not directly connected but still of interest
The Border Patrol agent said that while a significant minority of his colleagues agree with him, they are not comfortable speaking out given the political climate.
There’s also this important qualifier that its just a minority according to the person interviewed.
ICE is just a tool. Mango Hitler wants them to push the population, but he doesn’t give a shit about them all. They are simply expendable and, when they are not useful anymore, they’ll be thrown under the bus.
Notice how people talk about ICE but not about who controls ICE. They are just useful fools.
Unfortunate paywall. I was actually enjoying that article.
Here’s sort of the punchline near the end:
“Please note that this is a TENTATIVE offer only, therefore do not end your current employment,” the email instructed me. It then listed a series of steps I’d need to quickly take. I had 48 hours to log onto USAJobs and fill out my Declaration for Federal Employment, then five additional days to return the forms attached to the email. Among these forms: driver’s license information, an affidavit that I’ve never received a domestic violence conviction, and consent for a background check. And it said: “If you are declining the position, it is not necessary to complete the action items listed below.”
As I mentioned, I’d missed the email, so I did exactly none of these things.
And that might have been where this all ended—an unread message sinking to the bottom of my inbox—if not for an email LabCorp sent three weeks later. “Thank you for confirming that you wish to continue with the hiring process,” it read. (To be clear, I had confirmed no such thing.) “Please complete your required pre-employment drug test.”
The timing was unfortunate. Cannabis is legal in the state of New York, and I had partaken six days before my scheduled test. Then again, I hadn’t smoked much; perhaps with hydration I could get to the next stage. Worst-case scenario, I’d waste a small piece of ICE’s gargantuan budget. I traveled to my local LabCorp, peed in a cup, and waited for a call telling me I’d failed.
Nine days later, impatience got the best of me. For the first time, I logged into USAJobs and checked my application to see if my drug test had come through. What I actually saw was so implausible, so impossible, that at first I did not understand what I was looking at.
Somehow, despite never submitting any of the paperwork they sent me—not the background check or identification info, not the domestic violence affidavit, none of it—ICE had apparently offered me a job.
According to the application portal, my pre-employment activities remained pending. And yet, it also showed that I had accepted a final job offer and that my onboarding status was “EOD”—Entered On Duty, the start of an enlistment period. I moused over the exclamation mark next to “Onboarding” and a helpful pop-up appeared. “Your EOD has occurred. Welcome to ICE!”
I clicked through to my application tracking page. They’d sent my final offer on Sept. 30, it said, and I had allegedly accepted. “Welcome to Ice. … Your duty location is New York, New York. Your EOD was on Tuesday, September 30th, 2025.”
By all appearances, I was a deportation officer. Without a single signature on agency paperwork, ICE had officially hired me.
I’m sure they’re being pushed to not decline ANYONE. You aren’t hiring the numbers they want to hire if you decline anyone with a pulse and the ability to hold a firearm.
Interesting. Apparently the recruiters are gaming the system, too. They’re probably getting a piece of that sweet-sweet signing bonus.
So it sounds like if they got 100,000 totally real applications in 30 seconds, they would be confused why everyone no called no shows on the next siege.
Wait they Dont hire people with domestic violence convictions? The way they operate I thought it was an requirement.
Somehow, despite never submitting any of the paperwork they sent me—not the background check or identification info, not the domestic violence affidavit, none of it—ICE had apparently offered me a job
I think you missed the key line. Perhaps they care about the optics of it and include that as part of the paperwork (granted, that’s perhaps a holdover from previous administrations), but they don’t actually care about how you fill it out (or in this case, not fill it out).
It just said to submit an affidavit (meaning you can lie, but they can retaliate against you later). If they were serious, it would say that DV shows up on the background report and would disqualify you
Here ya go, enjoy
Ot says they prioritizing law enforcement and military backgrounds, but not being greatly rigorous… Which is better than I expected (I thought they’d be going straight to far right hate groups for direct recruiting).
