When “doing it”, are you regularly thinking about putting clothes away, which clothes to wash next or if you emptied the washing machine? Or when you washed your clothes the last time?
Is it distracting to the point you get soft (for penis havers) or dry (for ADHDers with vaginas)?
may i introduce you to - safewords & colour checks! :D
establish safewords with your partner, the deafult ones are:
green - keep going i like this
yellow - approaching my limit let’s pause
red - stop immediately and proceed to aftercare
at any point during play you can then ask them “colour?” and in a quick and definitive way you get to know how they feel and if it’s too much. (this also goes the other way! don’t be afraid to safeword as a dom if things get uncomfy for you). this helps a lot with the variety of things you can try out during a scene because it cuts short the worrying if your partner likes it or not, or if they mean the “stop” when they actually want you to keep going.
bdsm is more than just the hot stuff, it’s systems and safeties that allow the hot stuff to flourish safely and hot-ly <3
but i get ya, sometimes you want the same thing but a little to the left, and/or to loop the good moment in your mind. nothing wrong with that
I’m familiar with that in principle, and it’s a great system. But my partner is shockingly bad at communicating during sex (they’re on the spectrum). I’ve tried to talk about safe words, or even just any indication that something is not working for them. But they refuse, partly saying “that it’s pretty obvious when I am enjoying something or not” (it is not, or at least not to me). But I suspect the real reason is that they have quite poor body awareness in general (often injure themselves with exercise because they weren’t aware that something was hurting them) and that trying to monitor their own safety is tiring and unfun. But they’re also not super expressive during sex, so I can’t reliably pick up on cues.
We’ve been together a long time, and I think we’ve found things that work for us, but it’s pretty stressful trying to ‘play rough’ without a real feedback mechanism (and I have gotten it wrong and gone ‘too far’ and they’ve been very upset with me). I’ve tried talking about it, and even had a period of refusing to do anything like that at all hoping it would force them to agree to some sort of save-word system. But it didn’t, they just seemed decreasingly satisfied with sex, so I gave in and went back to guessing what’s okay…
it takes some time to learn how and when to safeword. from experience i know that the most common thing stopping someone, both doms and subs, from using them is guilt - they don’t want to stop the play when they see the other person is having fun, perhaps it’s that?
if i were you i’d try to have that conversation again, try to stress the importance of clear and undeniable consent. how if they want to be treated roughly you need to feel safe doing it, and knowing that they will communicate when they get uncomfortable gives you that safety. but of course, i don’t know the whole context of your relationship so i don’t know if this would work, all i can do is wish you the best with that!