I don’t know where to begin, so I’m just going to put words on ‘paper’
I’m 33 and got out of a serious relationship ~6 months ago.
I’m looking for someone to spend the rest of my life with, and recently met someone that is a perfect fit for me on paper in so many ways, however there is a thought or feeling I just can’t escape. I feel there is a lack of chemistry/attraction.
My new potential partner and I have been seeing each other for about a month, and have spent many days and nights together. She is objectively good looking and anyone would be lucky to have her multiple of my friends have said wow she’s really pretty when they’ve met her however I don’t feel the chemistry/attraction and I think I know where it comes from.
My ex was extremely feminine and we had insane chemistry from the start, the new potential partner I’m dating isn’t feminine and is quite masculine in physical and behavioral ways and I think that’s a turn off for me. I didn’t even realize femininity mattered this much to me.
I feel insane for thinking of breaking things off with an objectively attractive, successful women who’s logistics fit so well with mine it’s honestly like finding a needle in a haystacks.
I feel stuck constantly fighting questions like:
- Am I just full of shit and looking for a unicorn that doesn’t exist?
- Should I listen to my heart and feelings and let go of this because - it doesn’t feel right?
- I’m getting old and want to settle down, should I priorities logistics and accept good enough?
- Am I just overly picky? Can I afford to be this picky?
My heart is telling me one thing, my head another. Help
I will say don’t ignore your feelings. That doesn’t mean do whatever your feelings are saying, but it is important to listen to them.
Your feelings are information. That feeling is coming from somewhere and it’s trying to tell you something. The reason it’s a vague feeling instead of a concrete thought is that it’s coming from a part of your psyche that you aren’t fully conscious of right now, and it needs to come to the surface before you make a decision.
If you meditate at all, I might so some of that. If you don’t meditate, you should do something that engages your body but leaves your mind free. I find that a long walk - not so vigorous that you can’t get lost in thought - can do wonders to open a dialogue with yourself and help discover the source of vague feelings.
I also really love Tarot for this sort of thing, but if you’ve never done tarot I suggest doing something you’re familiar with. Whatever helps you listen to your own thoughts.
I like that you mention tarot as a personal reflection tool to tell us about ourselves rather than a form of divination to tell us about external people, places and things. There are therapists who integrate it in this way in their practice because they’re great for exploring archetypes (which religions sort of crudely tried to address) and doing shadow work on ourselves, eg understanding and working with our triggers, instead of arrogantly and foolishly expecting others not to trigger us, accidentally or intentionally.
When I left religion, I had to grapple with the fact that praying had really worked for me. If I wasn’t talking to anyone, then why did prayer work so well?
The conclusion that I came to is that it allowed me to open a dialogue with myself. In other words, it was what today we’d call “shadow work” or “talking to your subconscious.”
Now that I no longer believe in god, prayer just doesn’t quite work the same. But I find tarot fills that niche pretty well.
Unfortunately it’s hard to find other secular tarot practitioners.
That may be a good thing. Too many clinicians and doctors latch onto the latest buzz without any real understanding of the actual psychology of the archetypes, like the fad diagnoses of the era (when everyone was bipolar, then BPD), and I don’t like it.
If anyone is actually interested, they should look online and ask around for results-based reviews.
Prayer does work, like meditation does, and we have eegs to back up that claim. I think it does allow our mental chatter to quiet so we can contact the deeper parts of our psyche, and actually sit with the discomfort, rather than running from it. It’s uncomfortable to recognize, let alone admit the behaviors that bug us most about people are also our own or because we allow the behavior into our lives, or remind us of unhealed traumas we shoved down to keep us let alone admit it and actively explore our triggers, to sort which and how much of some combination. And that’s the easy part! The hard part is finding tools and learning how to use them in a proper and efficient manner!
Oh! I meant “practitioners” like regular folks. Not therapists. I don’t need my therapist to do tarot with me, I can do that a home.
But it would be nice to have a “coven” or “church” or whatever but where everyone recognizes that the rituals are psychological rather than actual magic.
Lol. Good luck with that!
Thanks for the advice, I’m very much the kind of person who will check what research says about the effectiveness of treatments before trying it.
Unfortunately science and research doesn’t support tarot card readings, so it’s not something that would work for me.
You might want to check again :)
I’m not saying that they predict the future or anything. That would be pretty unscientific. But the phenomenon where you engage with a story, or a work of art (like a painting, sculpture, whatever) and thereby create meaning and understand yourself better is pretty well documented. It’s the same principle - the cards give you something to think about and the free association process draws out thoughts and emotions you might not have known about.
Of course, you can accomplish the same thing by reading a story or some poetry or going to an art museum. Or just taking a long walk and letting yourself think. Whatever works for you is what you should do!
Can you cite any research into tarot card reading specifically as an effective tool?