you know that color you get when you mix all the paints? yeah, that kinda ugly brown paint mixture? it’s not that, because life is beautiful and its meaning is light green

black

Octarine. Life is magical.

Red. Life is blood.

I don’t know what the meaning of life is, but getting a little bit of everything seems pretty fun. Thus rainbow 🌈

Middle Grey.

Rainbow.

I remember the first time I saw it as a kid, it was so… strange. From that one rainbow memory, it kinda is linked to similar memories around the area, I remember that school, I remember the mountain that I used to explore with my father. I vaguely remember the neighborhood area, some of the stores, the mall.

It was so strange trying to recall those memories just now. I mean, this was the same place where my tramatic childhood memories happened. It kinda overshadowed the good memories.

This was in Guangzhou, Mainland China btw. I remember the 白云山 (Baiyun Mountain), the Mcdonalds, the KFC, around the mall areas. The tall skyscrapers. I saw some kiosk thingy in a mall with the map of Guangzhou, I didn’t have internet access at the time, so that was… very new to me. The massive like 4-5 lane busy streets. I remember the 2008 Beijing Olympics thing, you know, it was the first time Olympivs was hosted in China, a lot of like patriotism and national pride stuff (which I didn’t care about, me being a kid at the time). I remember having some 云吞 and 小笼包 at a small restaurant. I remember being on some school trip, and I kinda got carsick lol, rarely been in a motor vehicle before I don’t think.

I mean, imagine being that kid, young me… blissful ignorance… not knowing the horrors of the world. I remember a time when, I don’t think my older brother had that fight with me yet, we were still very… like chill… with each other. At the time, my mother has not explained the One Child Policy, so, in hindsight, I honestly don’t know what other parents were thinking, like I can imagine them going like: is that a family with two sons, when we went outside for family time.

On the topic of Childhood, I remember when I was in New York, I was in Coney Island Beach and I was trying to build a castle and kinda struggled with it. Sometime I just step into the water a tiny bit to feel the waves, but never really tried swimming, because I feared drowning. I was kinda also obsessed with the subway… (wait a minute… do I have ADHD? Idk) and remember traveling around NYC, its like exploring a new world. I mean it was a new world to me, as an immigrant kid.

I remember colors used to be more vibrant, the world used to look so colorful.

That was a long time ago, way before I had depression. Now the world looks like a weird filter where colors feel much dimmer.

Its so hard to remember the good parts, because its always overshadowed by the abuse and neglect. Its like my parents are bipolar or something. Wtf. Feels like my parents have evil twins that swich places with them every so often.

What is life? How does one enjoy life after the “veil of blissful innocence” is lifted and you are exposed to the concepts of war, famine, oppression, tyranny, propaganda, etc…

Feel like I wanna cry. Memories are so painful, even the happy ones. The dark parts always come up, trauma never goes away.

Golden?