Excepting reciprocal interest in you
The last woman I was chatting with turned out to be anti-vax. So, not that.
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I don’t disagree, and I have all those things too. I don’t think I’m picking up what your puttin down though.
You all have options??
Beat me to it. High five!
I was meaning people you may know in person or people you see on dating apps or the like
I’m feeling worse rn
The intent behind this post was to help others with self-improvement by showing why others might turn somebody down
Creative, fun and encouraging. Emotionally mature, respectful, and commited to ongoing self improvement. Everything else is peripheral, but bonus points for writers and artists who are into pc gaming and technology.
My biggest issue has been men socialized with some kind of bias against women, who don’t examine their need to protect and try to make decisions for me. I’m pansexual but lean toward people with dicks.
I learned how to use power tools when I was seven, I’m mechanically inclined, and built my own PC at eighteen. There are an unfortunate number of men who will start a conversation with me from a place of condescension. The last date I went on, he showed me his chainsaw, I asked to try it out and what he said started with “Okay, well it can be a little scary at first because it’s loud…” Another guy told me I was cracking eggs wrong when I made breakfast. I used to be a head chef.
The condescension and man-splaining thing is difficult and is definitely a trained part of a male-dominated culture/sub-culture if it is based on prejudice. The chainsaw incident might have come from a genuine place of concern and caution since power tools can be dangerous, even variants of tools somebody has experience with. I personally struggle with gauging my expectations of how familiar any random person would be with something I’m bringing up, especially if it’s something I’ve had other people confused by in the past. I usually say “Have you heard of X?” or “How familiar are you with X?” to try to avoid either scenario of my audience thinking that I’m condescending them or them being lost about a subject they know nothing about.
I know and understand where it comes from, but I don’t want to deal with it in a partner.
The chainsaw thing was absolutely because I’m a chick and representative of his overall attitude toward me that evening. Asking if I’d used a chainsaw would have been appropriate, or a quick rundown on starting/stopping would have been fine.
Basically, I ask myself if he would have said the same thing in the same way to a man. I’ve worked on enough jobsites to know that no, that doesn’t happen.
I can certainly understand you don’t want to rehab a guy who was raised with strong sex roles! I do think it’s something that eases with time, in general. I’m old so guys my age are worse about that but they haven’t ever veered into thinking it’s unattractive for me to know my way around the stuff they thought was theirs, what I HAVE found more resistant is that they stay unskilled at stuff they think woman’s work. So egg guy surprises me a lot more than chainsaw guy.
We do have division of labor but it’s not based on gender but ability: I do the cooking in my house, husband cleans up after. He mows, I do all the stuff that beautifies and grow the food plants, I do the banking and financial planning, he does the cars and plans any travel, he takes more of the pet care, but not the litter boxes (he does WAY more dog poop pickup than me), I do most appliance maintenance, he does AC maintenance. We just figure it out so we are each doing what we are good at. What I notice is he defers all creative stuff to me, doesn’t have the eye for how things should look or sound or taste, and doesn’t try to develop it at all, just thinks it’s my world. Would let me buy his clothes if I wanted to, just seems to think that’s something women are better at, so he ought not be good at it!
If you’re not using one of these, you might be cracking eggs wrong.
My biggest issue has been men socialized with some kind of bias against women, who don’t examine their need to protect and try to make decisions for me. I’m pansexual but lean toward people with dicks.
This is because the so many women are actively seeking these things from men. They often want to be infantalized. FWIW it’s why most of my relationships fail, because I don’t treat women like children and they want that.
Please, show me your psych degree from the university of 4Chan.
just look around you next time you go out to a bar or other social situation. observe it for yourself.
or maybe ask yourself why is it that you are attracted to men who treat you that way?
What, lol.
My post was about how I’m not attracted to it.
You might want to stop conducting gender studies at bars.
Mostly free time to meet in person. Busy professional looking for busy professional gets difficult.
Let me just drop this here as constructive criticism…
https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/the-most-common-regrets-people-have-at-the-end-of-life
Now I know some might think there’s this guy on the internet throwing around stuff feeling very clever but let me tell you that’s not it.
I experienced it, my heart stopped. And so could yours. I was very lucky. And now I’m not running around selling the next religion (the contrary actually) however I can recommend making the time for things that count.
Workaholics are toxic. Not having time to meet your life partner means you’re not trying.
This. If you’re married to work, very few people are going to want to be your side piece.
I’m gender fluid, I describe myself as 70% male, 30% female gender identity. I’m straight.
I am exhausted by women continually declaring what they want in men, but not really wanting that. I simply cannot act obsessive, possessive, or dominant. I want a woman to approach me on an equal footing. It continually shocks me how women demand toxic behavior in a dating context.
I was like this when I started dating. Popular media and family impacted how I viewed love and relationships, so accustomed to living with controlling narcissists I didn’t understand what healthy affection looked like.
My first relationships were nightmares with similar people who reinforced those ideas. If I was approached by someone with a healthy, balanced mindset, I wouldn’t know what to do with them.
Which is not to provide a solution, but rather some insight. In a sense it’s a good thing you recognize a toxic situation before it begins, in another sense it can be lonely and frustrating, and I can commiserate from the other side
I completely agree and I can validate many women I’ve met have been in very toxic relationships, and as much as they hate them, they do not know how to function in a healthy one
women continually declaring what they want in men, but not really wanting that.
That’s something I’ve noticed sometimes as well, and I hoped that there’d be women (or even some confused men or nonbinaries) answering this post and a discussion would follow which would help both them and others understand what they’re really after.
demand toxic behavior in a dating context
This is something I’ve seen as well, but I think of it as a separate issue as the previous one. If somebody wants a sugar daddy/mommy/whatever, that’s entirely different than an actual relationship.
women who are more healthy tend to be in relationships that are stable and long term. they aren’t single going in and out of relationships. also true of men. healthy people seeking out healthy people and who have good priorities.
all my best female friends over the years married young and never divorced. they chose the right people and valued other people for the things that actually matter, not the shallow bullshit that most people chase.
a big thing is that most singletons want their partner to fix their lives for them. they are unhappy in their middle class office job and think a partner to elevate them to the luxury travel lifestyle they see on social media. That expecation is entirely unrealistic, but they don’t care about realism, so they shut themselves off from realistic partners and chase fantasies in their head or short term relationships.
in short, healthy people don’t chase romantic fantasies, unhealthy people do, an are forever unfufilled.
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what women are emotionally attracted to is often anti-social and abusive behaviors.
and they are actively disgusted by the behaviors they claim they want in a partner. caring, kindness, emotional openless etc.
esp single women.
It’s not a battle of the sexes thing. Both men and women are often attracted to the traits they outwardly disdain.
Options, I’m entirely socially isolated.
Depressive intellectual honesty is #1.
No children ever #2. I didn’t like children even when I was one and that never changed. My sense of morality also disagrees with procreation.
No deity beliefs or vague spiritualism #3.
That’s it really, and yet I’ve barely ever met anyone like this. People don’t exactly advertise these traits that I’ve seen local to me.
Edit: Oh and as far as physical goes I’m not body picky. It’s mostly about the face. I like angular, resting bitch face. Intensity. If you scare people I’m into it.
i think #3 is your greatest limiter. i expect more people have at least some kind of spiritual / meaning-making impulse than don’t, by a large margin.
I’d agree. Stats show I’ve already cut 75% off the global population with that preference alone just the religious! I’m sure it’s higher factoring in spiritual.
I think it really depends on the demographics of the immediate society somebody finds themself within. The presence or absence of specific spirituality or religious beliefs is really important to a lot of people and can make up a significant portion of who they are. Just as the commenter is requiring an absence of certain beliefs, there are others in the dating pool who are requiring the presence of these beliefs, and the commenter wouldn’t have a healthy relationship if they have to fake who they are to be with somebody.
For sure, it’s not good news here. Hell, I’ve been called sub-human to my face for not being spiritual by one of my friend’s partners and she stopped hanging out with us when I invite him over. She’s not even religious. All it took was mentioning I wasn’t even spiritual at a backyard BBQ when the topic came up naturally ¯\(ツ)/¯
I usually just say “I’m not superstitious” or “That’s not for me” and leave it and my level of involvement with their beliefs to my audience’s interpretation. As for your friend’s partner and your complicit friend, “Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities” - Voltaire.
I honestly don’t think he has a clue about any of this yet even years after the fact, he’s pretty fucking thick lol. I never brought it up, yes he was there but comprehension is another story.
Yet. He’ll find out when I don’t attend their wedding and I’m sure you can predict who he’ll side with. RIP friendship from age 8 to 36 next year.
An immune system capable of dealing with my pets.
Living nearby.
A positive attitude or at least a attempting to improve on things that bother them in their life.
Age.
Ugh, yeah, I can’t stand all the ageless people around me. Get on my mortal plane, gosh!
Exactly! Lol.
Maybe more like “be of an appropriate age”. I don’t mind a fling or two with people on the extreme ends of appropriate age-range, but recently everyone I connect with seem to be at least ten years younger than me. It’s like my city had a purge of people of my age and I just slept through it.
scales, wings, a tail, and the ability to breath fire tbh
Would you accept fish scale?
Is puking blobs that are on fire acceptable? Without distance propulsion.
I don’t have current options.
Authenticity, depth and integrity. Someone who isnt performative to please me and who I dont have to perform to please either. They wont force me into a role or idolize me yet we should still be able to like and appreciate each other as people of our own. Plus someone who I genuinely find physically attractive because I rarely find men who are attractive to me by my standards so until I find someone like that I dont even wanna try dating.
Yeah I am with you. Incredibly hard to find.
99% of my social interactions are someone trying to please me to get something out of me. And I hate it. It is so hard to find people who are just… doing their thing and respect you doing yours. It’s so rare, but it’s so nice when you do meet people like that.
I feel like social media has supercharged it. I definitely used to meet more authentic people 10 years ago than I do now.
Human decency. Most of my dates are souless corporate drones who are completely selfishly absorbed in chasing the dragon of materialism, while spouting spiritualistic new age buzzwords about how they value ‘experiences’ while they are spending 130% of their pay on luxury lifestyle living and are deeply unhappy and are solely looking for a male provider so they can quit their job and maintain their lifestyle.
They are often openly sexist, racist, and disgusting focused on appearances above all else. Everything is chasing brands and projecting an image of ‘success’ despite how rotten they are on the inside.
The last decent human being I met on a date was years ago. It was an immigrant woman who was a nurse who was supporting her family. She was so kind, thankful, and decent. I was not attracted to her but I meet about 35 of the above types of ladies for every decent one I meet who actually is living for someone other than personal ‘hedonism’ and needing weekly therapy to ‘survive’ the ‘difficulties’ of their sad little rich girl lives.
I move every two weeks.
I move every day. How do you go two weeks without movement?
Baron Harkonnen spotted
This thread has been interesting to read.
I don’t worry about guys starting out with preconceptions about women, most of them do (as we do about men) but also recognize people are individual. it always has settled out for me over time, but maybe the guys I attract are not looking for traditional “femininity” as I don’t really ooze with it in looks or behavior. I’m delighted to be a woman for sure, but was not raised very differently from my brothers, my mom just treated us all the same.
And the first two responses in the list when I look at it:
“Having a sex drive as high as mine and not being bipolar.”
And
“Someone that is okay with not being able to engage in coitus with me.”
Shows how different we are, really that gives me hope.
Haven’t dated in years.
If I did: someone that would accept that in my spare time I like to video game (and won’t beat up on me for doing that).
Someone that doesn’t smoke or vape
Someone that will not get mad that I have a 5.1 theater on the main TV, or that I use a TiVo to record my shows.
Someone that isn’t ugly. Sorry but if I don’t find you attractive then the answer is no.
You don’t need large breasts but you need something there.
Also someone that can handle that I like sci-fi and fantasy movies.
And you need to make about what I make a year. It can be more, but not less. If you make less , then that means financially you can’t pay your monthly bills. I can support myself but on my income I can’t support two people.
Unless you’re barely scraping by, I don’t understand how not making the exact amount of money you’re making at least means they can’t pay their monthly bills. 🤔
That’s basically what it means. I get my monthly bills paid and have enough left over to put into a retirement fund, with a little more for a trip every 2 or 3 years.
If she is making less then that then which of those three do I give up? Retirement? Life (doing something other than working)? Monthly bills?
A shared life is probably cheaper than two separate lives. Two people paying for one home tends to be cheaper per person than one person paying for one home. If you both are going to an event, then you only pay for the gas that goes into one car instead of two cars. Insurances and taxation might vary from place to place as to if they are cheaper per person as a couple.
She might also have a different lifestyle that is overall less expensive (ex. more frequently cooking at home instead of eating out, shopping at cheaper stores).
Username checks out
So please explain to me why it is bad for me to say that I do not want to lose one of those three?
It’s not. It is just short-sighted and misses the point of relationships.
Jobs change, tomorrow it might be you unemployed. A relationship is about working together as a team, over time and through changes, and about the valuable experience of sharing those experiences with another person.
Otherwise why bother. Just get a hooker or find causal sex partners.
Yeah, times changed and things change. And yes, relationships are good. But why would I date somebody who makes so little money that they can barely feed themselves? All that does at the end of the day means I’m basically Support them and not really be able to add to my retirement fund or any of the other things that I’ve listed.
Maybe in your country, the government supports you when you stop working. In the United States they don’t. You don’t have enough money to retire on and you are well and truly fucked. Please don’t even try to say oh but you have Social Security, Social Security with the way it’s going probably won’t exist by the time I go to retire. Even if it does exist, it’ll have so little money in there would be pointless anyways.
Here’s a good question for you. Would you date somebody if you knew that you’re dating them would cause them serious financial hardship.?
So you would be okay with being dumped the moment you lose your job or don’t make ‘enough’ money for the other person’s tastes? Happy even, for the other person?
It’s just incredibly naive to believe that relationships work like that. What is going to make it or break it is the every day interaction and how you relate to each other as humans. Not only what you are but what you can be, jobs come and go. You are selecting a person to share your days, your time outside work.
But sure, I hope your ‘if you’re poor you’re not enough for me’ sigma grindset mentality finds you happiness.
