i’m m45. My current wife and i decided to separate a few weeks ago - we have simply drifted apart, no hard feelings, it can happen over 15 years which weren’t easy because of illness. We currently still share the home and will probably over the next few months - She said she could never make me leave the flat until i have a safe and stable home for myself.
Me and my siblings relationship has been devastated by the alcoholism of my dad and the uncaringness of my mom, grandparents are dead except the worst of the 4, a venom-spitting vindictive bitch; my aunts - well one is a nazi, the other one tramples over your personal borders even if told not to, so i’m NC with both. My first friend circle in my 20s was consumed by drugs, the second by separation from my ex, and that will probably happen now again.
I have AVPD (Avoidant/self-insecure personality disorder, meaning i have low self esteem, low tolerance for making mistakes, a lot of fear to do new things, and cope by avoiding both) and social anxiety (which is much better now than a few years ago thanks to a lot of therapy, which also helped with my depression, but it’s not gone)
So, i fear to become completely alone now, for the first time in my life. I’m on disability, so at least i have a stable if low income, and 2 times a week i am in a center for group therapy settings, which means i will at least talk to someone once in a while, but i fear that i might become a crazy cat man.
I have AvPD too. I think you’re doing the right things, you have a support network and you are capable of setting boundaries. It is scary to start out alone with this disorder. Dunno about you, but I’ve always felt like my head is an easier place to be when I have people to reassure me that I’m not doing something wrong or haven’t offended someone.
I have lived alone for almost ten years now, and sometimes that fear of loneliness and of becoming a crazy cat person rears is head for me, too. I have kind of embraced the hermit life though, because like you I have enough support in my life to feel some social fulfillment from the few interactions I have every week.
For people like us it’s really important to find low-stakes opportunities to connect with people especially as we’re not young adults anymore. Being a regular anywhere is a pretty good start, whether that’s regularly walking a park or being part of a book club
Yes, like you i need to be told that what i’m doing isn’t wrong or else my thought-carousel is devouring my soul :-/ Thanks :-) People like us are pretty rare, so i did not expect to see a response from someone who has the same disorder as i have. I’m happy that you commented :-)
It’s the first time in my life that i will live alone and without any friends out there - i’ve always lived either with roommates or with my long-term relationships, so maybe it’s for the best to be alone now. I know that i don’t cope well with others, but the intimate relationships i had were making up for that (until they didn’t anymore, but it took years to get to that point).
To be honest, a part of me is looking forward to being on my own. and the social service offerings in Vienna are pretty great for people with mental illness or in need of social contacts, so maybe my fears aren’t even rooted in reality.
I will for sure try to stay connected to the group therapy settings. Like i said before in my other response, i can also see me visiting the library once per week or so.
Hah! That’s such an apt description! There’s a song with the lyrics “sick cycle carousel”, that I have used to describe the spiral to my therapist. I might have to steal your phrase now xD
There’s definitely some freedom to living alone, and it’s amazing that you live in a city that has resources. I know you’re worried, but everything you’ve said in this post makes me think you’ll do quite well with this new part of your life. I’m rooting for you :)
Do libraries in Vienna also hold workshops and such? My local has a makerspace, and every quarter they will hold workshops to teach people how to use a sewing machine or 3-D printer. If nothing else it’s really interesting to go and observe these events.
I’ve been afraid to even tell anyone in real life that I have the disorder, because people always think narcissistic or anti-social when they hear “personality disorder”. And, to be honest, I wasn’t very aware of cluster C myself until I was diagnosed. I’m glad it’s rare, because it’s a very difficult thing to yearn for deep connections and never feel worthy of them. Although, it is nice to know there are others who understand the fear-patterned thoughts
Anyway, you’ve got this! And feel free to reply here or dm if you need an internet stranger to cheer you on through something