i’m m45. My current wife and i decided to separate a few weeks ago - we have simply drifted apart, no hard feelings, it can happen over 15 years which weren’t easy because of illness. We currently still share the home and will probably over the next few months - She said she could never make me leave the flat until i have a safe and stable home for myself.

Me and my siblings relationship has been devastated by the alcoholism of my dad and the uncaringness of my mom, grandparents are dead except the worst of the 4, a venom-spitting vindictive bitch; my aunts - well one is a nazi, the other one tramples over your personal borders even if told not to, so i’m NC with both. My first friend circle in my 20s was consumed by drugs, the second by separation from my ex, and that will probably happen now again.

I have AVPD (Avoidant/self-insecure personality disorder, meaning i have low self esteem, low tolerance for making mistakes, a lot of fear to do new things, and cope by avoiding both) and social anxiety (which is much better now than a few years ago thanks to a lot of therapy, which also helped with my depression, but it’s not gone)

So, i fear to become completely alone now, for the first time in my life. I’m on disability, so at least i have a stable if low income, and 2 times a week i am in a center for group therapy settings, which means i will at least talk to someone once in a while, but i fear that i might become a crazy cat man.

  • FoxyFerengi@startrek.websiteEnglish
    2·
    3 days ago

    my thought-carousel is devouring my soul

    Hah! That’s such an apt description! There’s a song with the lyrics “sick cycle carousel”, that I have used to describe the spiral to my therapist. I might have to steal your phrase now xD

    There’s definitely some freedom to living alone, and it’s amazing that you live in a city that has resources. I know you’re worried, but everything you’ve said in this post makes me think you’ll do quite well with this new part of your life. I’m rooting for you :)

    Do libraries in Vienna also hold workshops and such? My local has a makerspace, and every quarter they will hold workshops to teach people how to use a sewing machine or 3-D printer. If nothing else it’s really interesting to go and observe these events.

    I’ve been afraid to even tell anyone in real life that I have the disorder, because people always think narcissistic or anti-social when they hear “personality disorder”. And, to be honest, I wasn’t very aware of cluster C myself until I was diagnosed. I’m glad it’s rare, because it’s a very difficult thing to yearn for deep connections and never feel worthy of them. Although, it is nice to know there are others who understand the fear-patterned thoughts

    Anyway, you’ve got this! And feel free to reply here or dm if you need an internet stranger to cheer you on through something

    • A Wild Mimic appears!@lemmy.dbzer0.comOPEnglish
      2·
      2 days ago

      Thank you for your kind words, this really gives me confidence that all might work out well.

      Yes, Vienna is a great city - i’ve been born here and i love this city, i will never move away. The best public transport system in the world which only costs a buck per day if you take the 1-year-ticket, the air is great for a city with 2 million people, a lot of places where you can just sit down and relax on benches on the sidewalk, a pretty large forest with hiking routes around the town and lot’s of green in the city to keep it cool in the summer. There are multiple support groups with therapy offerings which are fully paid by the city, i’ve been going there for 4 years and it didn’t cost me a single dollar. That’s socialism for you lol

      I don’t really know what our libraries offer. i’ve gonna have a look over the next few days.

      I’m pretty open about my condition, so that everyone knows that when i leave suddenly, it’s not because of anything they did, i’ve just reached my limit.

      We are pretty rarely diagnosed, since we do not seek help in most cases. There are probably more people like us out there than is known, since we suffer silently and don’t want to be a burden to anyone. A lot of them are probably wrongly diagnosed with “simple” social anxiety, but i can personally attest that it is possible to have BOTH at the same time. The AvPD was always here, but after i crashed hard with burnout i suddenly feared to answer the door and stuff like that. At least it seems that the older i get, the more i mellow out - i even can be nice to myself sometimes (my teens and 20s sucked big time tho)

      Thank you so much! I will keep it in mind that you have an open ear for me if i need it, but you know how we are - i can’t promise that ;-) Take care of yourself!