Im not trans but my sister is and i just dont.understand whats going on in the brain of my dad. When i talk to him he refences my sister by her name but for some reason when he talks about the past before she transitioned he uses her deadname. Like why, how did you get to the conclusion that thats how it works. When im talking about the past im not gonna call you “sperm” or “infant” the same way youre not gonna deadname someone as its a pretty personal insult. Ive told him multiple times but he just doesnt change.
There’s been years of memories build up and it’s hard to be flexible with those links in the brain. But he should at least put in an effort.
Honest question: Have you had an open conversation with him or did you criticise and put him on the defensive? I hope you can find a habit trigger to flip in him that reframes the memory before voicing it. Like thinking it through with your sister actively in his mind. It’s likely a subconscious thing that he needs help with.
Yeah there’s absolutely some pathways built there that are difficult to overcome. The one time my mum deadnamed me more recently (I’ve been out for eight years) was after she was talking about something that happened when I was younger. She got through the memory and it was like 30 seconds later and she said it to me directly when getting my attention. Bless her she clearly had been trying hard not to deadname me during the story, then let her guard slip after finishing and it popped out. She was completely mortified* and apologetic. She’s in her sixties as well though, like how can I be mad at her for that?
“It’s a family decision” would immediately get me laughing. That is so wildly absurd.
“the council of the family has decided. You’re a girl now”
No, it’s not a family decision. I’m not your property, you don’t own me
that’s my girlfriends’s role :3.A reminder that families are just people and that often the only things you have in common is DNA and blood. That’s it. You don’t have to be around people who hurt you. They’re just people. There is nothing more special about them than any stranger you cross in the street.
Would you force yourself to see someone you don’t like? Well, it’s the same thing with your family. I know it’s much easier said than done. Trust me, I struggle with it as well.
The “family decision” part is bullshit. And while they shouldn’t be given time to mourn before the HRT, the reality is that they may mourn the future they expected, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing and something we should allow.
Mourning is a natural process, and it can be an important part of acceptance. It’s better for a loved one to mourn their expectations and then move forward than it is for them to live in denial, which is too often the case.
I don’t know how many friends and loved ones are still misgendered by their family out of denial because they’ve refused to accept what they didn’t expect.
Btw, that’s exactly the kind of Dad who would be as useless a grandfather as he was a father, when it comes to any of the hard work of parenting.
Starting with “support your child emotionally and help them be happy.”
But also including cleaning up messy bodily substances.
100%. Feel like my dad was only suited for raising kids until they were 10, then absolutely refused to engage with us as teenagers or even adults
I wonder if they’d throw the same tantrum if you get a vasectomy.
From experience: Yes. Took my mom years to get over that, and I really only think she made peace with it after my sister had her first kid. Because apparently being grandparents is more important than your kid’s future happiness.
One thing it did immediately put a stop to was the frequent reminders to me and my wife to get busy making kids, and the many, many baby-themed gifts and super inappropriate sex-related “joke” gifts we both received from them for the better part of a decade.
Oh yeah, definitely. The whole we want to have grandkids thing and so on.
If they’re the type of person to lament the ending of their bloodline like this? 1,000% they’d throw the same kind of tantrum at anything that meant you weren’t gonna “continue the family name” for them. Perhaps less intense because vasectomies can be reversed but the gut feeling from most people I’ve talked to is that HRT permanently sterilizes you.
Side note, I never understood that whole paternalistic model of family structure. Like, I understand that it arose because patriarchal society and such, but you’d think that the female children would be the ones “continuing the bloodline” if anything right? The baby is literally growing inside of them connected to her blood supply. Mitochondrial DNA is passed from the mother’s side. Like you’d think someone concerned with continuing their bloodline would want a girl right? But no.
HRT doesn’t necessarily make you permanently infertile, but it can. A lot of people still have fertility if they ever take a break for a few months.
I’m sorry, yeah I’m aware that it doesn’t necessarily make you permanently infertile. I was saying that for most normies that don’t know any better their gut feeling is that it does.
Matrilineal cultures exist; and the thing about continuing the bloodline are all excuses. Patriarchy is about power, and always has been.
Oh yeah I know matrilineal cultures exist. It just amuses me how internally inconsistent their ideology is. You can tell they just kind of worked backwards from “Men are the top of the hierarchy,” and has built their mythos around it.
I mean don’t most people get sperm (or eggs? does testosterone make ftm people infertile too?) cryogenically preserved before doing either of those anyway just in case? I know that’s what I want to do on the off chance I someday decide I want a child and don’t want to adopt for some reason. So in that case literally the only difference to the wannabe grandparent is “oh no what if my grandchild isn’t conceived by my child having sex” which is just creepy.
I know if I ever were to actually go on HRT that I wouldn’t be able to afford it. It’s a moot point for my partner and I though because we’ve had all the kids we’re going to. The pregnancy that gave us our twins was… Let’s call it rough and neither of us was willing to go through that again.
So in that case literally the only difference to the wannabe grandparent is “oh no what if my grandchild isn’t conceived by my child having sex” which is just creepy.
This is literally part of why I cut off all contact with my father. My partner had a kid already when we got together. My father never really treated him like “real family” which pissed me off and I told him many times in no uncertain terms that as far as I was concerned this kid is my son and I will not tolerate any different treatment. Fast forward a couple years to the birth of my twins and I overhear this shit stain on the phone with my Mom who had come up to help me watch my oldest so I could actually visit the twins in the NICU say “How does it feel to finally be a grandma?”
Now to my Mom’s credit, she was having none of that shit. My partner and I had been together for over 4 years, married for almost 2 at this point. So she straight up tells him that she’s been a grandmother for years now. To which he responds “You know what I mean. You’ve finally got a grandkid of your own.” The fucker doubled down!
So I text him absolutely furious. I cry a lot when I’m angry so texting was the only way I was making it through what I needed to say. Plus receipts, he couldn’t claim to not remember me telling him like he’s done before. Anyway this motherfucker has the audacity to demand I call him so he knows that my partner wasn’t the one saying these things for me. I haven’t spoken to him in 5 years now.
I definitely didn’t. If I ever have a kid (unlikely) they’re going to be adopted, I don’t have a need to spread my genes.
I doubt it’s most people. AFAIK cryogenic preservation is kind of expensive, especially for people who are still in school or college. And AFAIK trans people are on average even poorer than the general population.
None of the people on HRT I know have done that (that I know of at least). It was a pretty easy no from me since I thought about the idea of having children since I was 13 and my answer was always “meh, plus I would probably be bad at parenting”. And if I change my mind (unlikely) I can just adopt, I don’t care about this mythical “bloodline” thing.
I mean, i don’t intend to, but that’s because my families genetics are shit and would result in a miserable human life.
Fair warning, its expensive and awkward. Go for it I’m glad I did, but yeah it’s weird
I hope she’s able to get a restraining order against the sperm donor. Viewing your children as property, and dying, for making a medical decision, is disgraceful and gross. This is like mourning if your child should get insulin, being Type 1, at 24yoa. Are you crazy‽ No! It’s not your body! No! It’s not your choice! Take a sucker🍭, and celebrate your daughter is being honest with you that she’s made a decision as an adult, and love her every step of the way.
When I can afford to make my orphanage, I will treat everyone like a person, with their will, and choice, and love them better than what my DNA donors gave me.
Who is Steve Jobs?
DEEZ NUTS!!! HA GOTTEMM!!!
👏👏👏
Bofa what?
bofa deez nuts?
I laid down the ultimate sacrifice for your setup. Blåhaj bless.
whats bofa
Bofa DEEZ NUTS! HAH! Gottem!
We think the mourning/grieving thing can be okay. The rest is trash though.
Mourning is fine but it’s also something to be done on one’s own time, not forced on others
Good point, thanks!
