Oh, I’m well aware. Not once have I ever been tempted to tickle a pickle that wasn’t my own. I’ve never struggled with homosexual thoughts. If I had I can almost promise I’d be face down in a whole pile of dicks right now.

I was quoting, as accurately as I could, a dipshit I know. I haven’t seen him since high school, right after I left the church, but this always stuck with me. I knew that pastor as well. That guy talked all the time about how Satan was going to make everyone gay and how he was tempted so he understood what the youth was going through. I remember being 14 and wondering when I’d get secret gay thoughts because of this dude. Apparently I was so steeped in sin that Satan didn’t feel the need to make me want to gobble cocks as well.

It’s a damn shame because I think I would have made an excellent gay guy.