Men are often taught that being a man means not showing weakness or needing help, says John Oliffe, a registered nurse and founder of the Men’s Health Research program at the University of British Columbia
When men do ask for help, they can be met with criticism for not reaching out earlier or told that masculinity is toxic, says Justin Trottier, executive director of the Canadian Centre for Men and Families, a charity for men and their children.
This is the problem. You come forward needing help and you’re told you’re a pussy or you need to man up. Everyone saying all these “men need therapy but they’d rather x” are probably some of the exact same people to put men down for showing vulnerability and seeking help. It’s not that men would rather do whatever (granted some might), it’s that when we go looking for help we don’t get it! We’re hurt more in the process and then spiral down further and
“If a guy has a bad experience when he first goes to seek help professionally, he’s very unlikely to come back,” said Oliffe.
then it’s even harder to crawl out of that spiral. People just need to start treating men like human beings with emotions and not stone faced rock hearted automatons. The men who you know who are like that? They’ve been taught that’s how they HAVE to act. It’s a very sad state of affairs.
No one giving a goddamn about you at all; not even being worthy of criticism or toxic masculinity. Just left for dead on the proverbial side of the road. But also being told to think of your family, and how much you’d hurt them, and miss out on.
This community is here specifically for you. Even if no one else cares about you, I do. Please remember that. And I hope that you can find more people here in this community who feel the same. My favorite phrase for family is “family is not a privilege, it is a right” and if you’re a fucking jackass then that right can be taken away. Or on the other hand, you can freely give the right to family to others.
The other common phrase “blood is thicker than water”? That’s a bastardization of the original which means literally the opposite - “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. Meaning the connection to the people you choose to be your family is stronger than the connection to the people forced to be your family. If you would like to make a full post to talk about stuff please do, we’re here for you
I’m in my 40s and it feels impossible at this point. I’m lucky enough to have found a SO that I feel safe to open up with, but I just physically can’t, having spent most of my life packing myself into an emotional bunker. My brain overloads and shuts down, and all I am able to articulate are meaningless cop-outs like “work was stressful” or “I’m just a little tired”. My means of expression are limited to the range between indifference and anger, because the rest of the emotional spectrum was abandoned to atrophy from childhood to young adulthood.
I’m at peace with it. At this point, all I want is to do what I can–however little–to help anyone I can reach avoid the same outcome.
I understand what you mean. I used to be the same way but I made an effort to try and open up more and slowly over time it became easier. It is exactly that - a learned skill that takes practice. I don’t believe it’s too late for you or for anyone, for that matter. It’s just a matter of practice over time.
But I VERY much respect your desire to help others nonetheless. That’s exactly what I feel too. We’re lucky to have you here in this community, thank you for being here!
You’re right, of course. I spent a long time building into this frame of mind, and it will take a long time to get out. I’m making that effort too, I just wish I could have started sooner.
I didn’t actually mean to start venting in my last comment - what I wanted to get at was that it’s especially critical for this community’s message to reach boys and younger men so that they can begin that process earlier in life, or obviate it altogether. I wanted to describe that feeling of being boxed into a narrow range of socially-acceptable male emotion, in hope that it will resonate with someone and kick-start their desire for emotional growth.
I really appreciate you creating this space. Managing an online community is hard, and success only makes it harder. I wish you the best of luck going forward.
You can vent, you can do whatever here, this space is for you, man. I agree - I wanted this to be a counterpoint to the shitty ass sexist Peterson type bullshit and hoped to have a better space for young men to find a community. Please, if you have any ideas on how better to make that happen, this is my first time doing this kinda thing, feel free to let me know, or to make posts of your own. We’re not all doom and gloom here, we’re also advice and general tips on surviving as a guy in this world, so if you have words of wisdom or other things that might be useful to men old or young please feel free to share!
This is the problem. You come forward needing help and you’re told you’re a pussy or you need to man up. Everyone saying all these “men need therapy but they’d rather x” are probably some of the exact same people to put men down for showing vulnerability and seeking help. It’s not that men would rather do whatever (granted some might), it’s that when we go looking for help we don’t get it! We’re hurt more in the process and then spiral down further and
then it’s even harder to crawl out of that spiral. People just need to start treating men like human beings with emotions and not stone faced rock hearted automatons. The men who you know who are like that? They’ve been taught that’s how they HAVE to act. It’s a very sad state of affairs.
You wanna know what’s worse?
No one giving a goddamn about you at all; not even being worthy of criticism or toxic masculinity. Just left for dead on the proverbial side of the road. But also being told to think of your family, and how much you’d hurt them, and miss out on.
It’s always about somebody else.
This community is here specifically for you. Even if no one else cares about you, I do. Please remember that. And I hope that you can find more people here in this community who feel the same. My favorite phrase for family is “family is not a privilege, it is a right” and if you’re a fucking jackass then that right can be taken away. Or on the other hand, you can freely give the right to family to others.
The other common phrase “blood is thicker than water”? That’s a bastardization of the original which means literally the opposite - “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb”. Meaning the connection to the people you choose to be your family is stronger than the connection to the people forced to be your family. If you would like to make a full post to talk about stuff please do, we’re here for you
I’m in my 40s and it feels impossible at this point. I’m lucky enough to have found a SO that I feel safe to open up with, but I just physically can’t, having spent most of my life packing myself into an emotional bunker. My brain overloads and shuts down, and all I am able to articulate are meaningless cop-outs like “work was stressful” or “I’m just a little tired”. My means of expression are limited to the range between indifference and anger, because the rest of the emotional spectrum was abandoned to atrophy from childhood to young adulthood.
I’m at peace with it. At this point, all I want is to do what I can–however little–to help anyone I can reach avoid the same outcome.
I understand what you mean. I used to be the same way but I made an effort to try and open up more and slowly over time it became easier. It is exactly that - a learned skill that takes practice. I don’t believe it’s too late for you or for anyone, for that matter. It’s just a matter of practice over time.
But I VERY much respect your desire to help others nonetheless. That’s exactly what I feel too. We’re lucky to have you here in this community, thank you for being here!
You’re right, of course. I spent a long time building into this frame of mind, and it will take a long time to get out. I’m making that effort too, I just wish I could have started sooner.
I didn’t actually mean to start venting in my last comment - what I wanted to get at was that it’s especially critical for this community’s message to reach boys and younger men so that they can begin that process earlier in life, or obviate it altogether. I wanted to describe that feeling of being boxed into a narrow range of socially-acceptable male emotion, in hope that it will resonate with someone and kick-start their desire for emotional growth.
I really appreciate you creating this space. Managing an online community is hard, and success only makes it harder. I wish you the best of luck going forward.
You can vent, you can do whatever here, this space is for you, man. I agree - I wanted this to be a counterpoint to the shitty ass sexist Peterson type bullshit and hoped to have a better space for young men to find a community. Please, if you have any ideas on how better to make that happen, this is my first time doing this kinda thing, feel free to let me know, or to make posts of your own. We’re not all doom and gloom here, we’re also advice and general tips on surviving as a guy in this world, so if you have words of wisdom or other things that might be useful to men old or young please feel free to share!