I’m trying to be better but I’m terrible some days and better others, my willpower day-to-day isn’t at all consistent enough to help. I’m always depressed and tired, even when I take my meds and get good sleep.

I love to imagine myself as I would be if I had the willpower and energy to tackle each day. What it would be like to be able to make friends as an adult without having anyone from college, highschool, or childhood. What it would be like if I could go about my day with confidence in my own ability, knowing I can back it up. What it would be like to live in my skin without wanting to scream all the time even when I’m happy. What it would be like if I was enough for myself.

What it would be like if I was just good enough to be okay. I wish I could be okay

How about ya’ll?

I know many people are like me in one way or another, and asking if there are is kind of pointless, but I just want to hear from people like me. I don’t want to be alone.

But I also know that these things are literally mostly the fault of the banal dystopia wearing down our will to live every day. As well as that despite all this shit you still believe in us, in the potential of humanity, is an act of love so pure that one who feels it cannot be evil. I will not accept your self hatred, you are a good person, just one thats been worn to pieces trying to pull them back together.

  • teeforlove [they/them]@hexbear.netEnglish
    5·
    1 year ago

    deleted my matrix account and lemmygrad account on a fit of breakdown, it is hard carrying yourself forward every single second, and every 100 seconds I start tearing up. I go to uni, attend 2 hour classes everyday, eat, buy food for the night, come back. I sometimes game, its CS2, which means its a comfort game, which I’ve been playing since 2017, but I don’t have fun, because again, I’m all by myself. It is sometimes fun hearing the voice chat in casual and people are shitposting, or when a person does something funny in game while trying to clutch. Wish I was a part of that though, something more than just my own individual presence. I think I’m going back to 2019 again, where I was confused and alone, trying to deal with shit I did in childhood and adolescence that I couldn’t bring myself to forgive. It’s like Marx said, first as tragedy, then as a farce. I struggle going to social events, I think everyone I’ve managed to hold up a conversation to now hates me. the queer club is pretty apolitical, which sucks. Dm’ing people and then moving on to hanging out irl is what suits best for me, I’ve tried doing that with that club, but sadly resulted in no replies or ultimately me getting ghosted. I wish there was an ounce of spark I could see in others irl, who want to talk to me. I refuse therapy and medicines, I can’t deal with support anymore that relies on the very superstructure that is directly affecting my material reality. My partners are separated between two countries in the imperial core, and it is really hard dealing with the individual loneliness/suicidality, and the collective part of getting depressed about the shit that goes on everywhere.

    take care of yourself though, you’re doing a great job, and I’m proud of you. I believe in you. Sending love <3

  • ComradeSalad@lemmygrad.ml
    3·
    1 year ago

    I felt the exact same way, but it turned out that I had untreated ADHD which was destroying my life and made me horrifically depressed, lethargic, and despondent. I got medication for and have never felt better.

    I devoted my time to my partner, helping at the local homeless shelter, drug clinic, and animal shelter. If I see my actions preforming immediate good changes in my world around me, that brightens my day to no extent. Do you know how incredible it is to have tens of dogs rush you when you go into their playpen at a shelter? Do you know how wholesome it is to help an elderly homeless man acquire housing and rehabilitation, and he considers you a good friend? Its incredible.

    I also spend time on my hobbies instead of endlessly scrolling on my phone. Most importantly, I let myself be ignorant sometimes. The world will keep spinning without you, and if you hyperfocus on the horrific aspects of society all the time, it will destroy you. Take time to disconnect and refresh yourself, then jump back into the fray.

    Essentially, LESS THINKING MORE DOING. Also if you are able to, please see a psychiatrist and therapist, this is at best something that can be helped with some therapy, or at worst you have some sort of underlying issue that is hurting you, like ADHD In my case. If you are as unmotivated and fatigued as you say, you are either extremely burnt out and need help, or you might also have a neurological condition that is handicapping you silently. A good therapist will also be able to help guide you through the mental roadblocks you’re facing regarding things like the friendships and feeling like you can’t be ok.

    At the end of it all, we are here for you! We’re in your corner and we believe in you! You can do it! I’ve always loved seeing your posts here and you seem like a thoughtful, caring, and insightful person who has so much to offer the world! If you were to go about making them in your life, those are aspects that true friends will cherish.

  • commiespammer@lemmygrad.ml
    2·
    1 year ago

    I’ve pretty much given up on having normal social relationships. I find sometimes it’s helpful to set aside a little bit of time (an hour a day at a fixed point) just to get things done (without a computer). Even if I’m not doing much I at least feel like I’m accomplishing something.

    • QueerCommie@lemmygrad.ml
      2·
      1 year ago

      Don’t totally give up, I feel similarly, but I’ve realized if I make a conscious effort to greet people, be around acquaintances without headphones, try to help people, and interject in conversations etc that can help. People can be boring and post pandemic zoomer relationships can be hard, but you gotta try.

      On the second part, I know I need to set aside more time without my phone. I should really get on that, considering how much time I waste procrastinating. Btw, anyone in this thread who sleeps in the same room as their phone, try not to. It’s very distracting and can promote bad habits preventing positive activities like reading.

        • Imnecomrade@lemmygrad.mlEnglish
          1·
          1 year ago

          Sole downvoter just mass downvoted OP on her post about being burnt out. In fact, looking at her history, she seems to have a “friend” always giving her some dedicated appreciation by hitting the wrong arrow on most of her comments and posts, lol. I take that as a way to feel massive vindication for being able to attract someone for so long. I’m kinda jelly; OP is apparently pretty based.

  • GarfieldYaoi [he/him]@hexbear.netEnglish
    2·
    1 year ago

    Please, someone share tips for getting shit together as a person.

    Not to derail from OP but my life is in shambles, I have no friends. My degree is useless, rents are sky high and I’m working for next to free and I’m reliant on either employer provided housing or I’m stuck in my parent’s basement. I’m stuck in Texas and probably my best bet to finding friends at all is to go back to college for a STEM degree and look for a community somewhere.

    • ghost_of_faso2@lemmygrad.ml
      2·
      1 year ago

      College is a pretty sure fire way to make friends; as someone who recently moved to a city post-grad and who knew 0 people here, and as somone who managed to establish a large social circle within a year il give you what worked for me;

      • joined a reddit city wide discord
      • added every single remotely leftist person who expressed a cool opinion to a private server (hey friend im inviting leftists to a private space)
      • met up with them irl

      it helps if you all have a common shared interest (this can be ideology, but also for me stuff like cooking, music, film, writing) you do really need to do a lot of the legwork and active stuff to get to this point but it does pay off.

      As for employment/living; best bet is good education while keeping costs as low as possible then moving somewhere that offers both a job and not an insane amount of hours per week to live/function.

  • QueerCommie@lemmygrad.ml
    2·
    1 year ago

    I feel similarly with a lack of energy and willpower. I’m constantly procrastinating and waiting to do school work on my own time. I’m constantly on my phone even though I Intend to read and do other stuff. These are both largely caused by the school system not valuing people’s sleep, but there is a bit I can do to get better like reducing procrastination. I know it’s a bit of a bandaid in this society, but getting out to nature and mindfulness can help. Remember it’s habit, not willpower that allows people to continuously do what they want themselves to do. Habits take time to build up. I realized recently that it is possible to gradually increase being social if you just intend to and take small opportunities you wouldn’t have otherwise.

    • Imnecomrade@lemmygrad.mlEnglish
      1·
      1 year ago

      Amen to school not valuing sleep.

      Rant incoming...

      I was taking 12 credits of advanced (not really) programming classes during my last semester of college (online). I had to quit my job to be able to do the work, and I was still pulling all-nighters nearly every day. I told my C++ professor that taking 12 credits, the minimum required to be full-time, shouldn’t require me to lose so much sleep, especially when I am not working. He said that I shouldn’t be taking 4 advanced courses in a semester and should have went part-time or taken a couple of lower level classes (yeah, so I can waste more time and lose more money, and I had no choice but to take these classes because the way I had to do my schedule for each semester to be able to satisfy prerequisites), even though it was a community college and the courses were Advanced C++, Java, Python, and Data Structures (which in retrospect those courses would be pretty basic compared to university level courses). So much content was repeated, and I had relearn git 4 times even though it was treated as an afterthought and should have been its own course. The issue was that there was an overabundance of work in each class that could have been reduced while still providing the same quality of learning (which was dogshit). So many assignments had contradictory instructions. Most of the online courses were very poorly thrown together in Blackboard, which is a very clunky interface that is not easy to navigate. I wish colleges used an online tool with a better interface, something similar to Coursera. I hated one professor so much because she was the laziest one I ever had, and unfortunately she was the only one doing Data Structures, which means I had to deal with her twice (the first class was C#, and she made me just hate the language because of her shitty course). She gave an assignment with no lesson, and I had to go figure out what the lesson was about without any help. After an assignment was done, she refused to give feedback on where I made mistakes because she considered it cheating. What’s the point of doing college if I just have to teach myself anyways? For the last and more difficult data structures we had to learn, we were given very little instruction, and I was lucky to get away with just refactoring examples I found online and in books to make it look like I wasn’t cheating. I mentioned this to a student during graduation, and apparently that’s what she expected students to do when he went to her office for help. Someday, I am going to need to go back and relearn these data structures because I barely learned them and wasn’t given enough time and help to study them during the course.

      The professors were often working in another job and doing online courses part-time, and various others were retired or were just really shit in the industry, so often we were taught bad practices in programming. My C++ instructor even suggested that it was a good idea to write down in a text document of a project of all the changes people did…in a git repository…which is the entire point of the VCS, ffs. One student ended up ranting in the discussion forum about it, and the professor didn’t say anything. Sadly, this was one of my better professors.

      Often professors would take feedback from students, and the only way they would try to resolve issues is by creating more assignments and more help groups that no student has time to attend. I believe most courses could have been reworked to be less language specific (like data structures) and focus on teaching important courses in a language agnostic manner. Then for language specific features, those courses could still reduce their workload greatly by improving the examples for assignments and still reducing the amount of work required. I spent most of the time trying to research the lessons on my own, decipher the confusing instructions provided by the professors (sometimes needing to accept that a solution was not possible or just something really stupid or really stretching the actual meaning of the instructions and receive a lower grade for the assignment), arguing with professors, and just doing a bunch of fluff work for overly massive assignments for a simple topic. Any feedback students give for specific issues almost never gets applied, so the students in the following semester get to deal with the same issues.

      I mean, I guess in the end it wouldn’t matter, since the degree you get is only going to get you a job below what you studied for, if you’re lucky. Having a two-year degree in (essentially) Computer Science just gives me a shitty IT contract job, and that was difficult to acquire alone. All the all-nighters I pulled, all the car accidents I nearly missed due to lack of sleep, and all the years of my life lost amounted to this, ugh.

      And the sad thing is, I see this pattern with every college, even ASU, which declares itself as a prestigious school, meanwhile they can’t even get the time right for my enrollment coach appointment. The level of incompetence in every college is utterly astounding. I have read many ASU online class horror stories and complaints on reddit, and the same can be said for other colleges. At least I am more prepared for the online college bullshit.

      If you want to go the self-education route, bursts in laughter and cries, good luck. If you’re lucky to get a job through self-education, you’re still treated like a third class citizen when you try to work for other companies like AMD, which flat out does not accept anyone without a degree regardless of experience. You want to move to another country? Good luck doing so without a degree, let alone without a doctorate’s degree or a shitton of money. As much as I rather self-educate myself in Electrical Engineering using better materials I can find online or through highly recommended books and various other materials, it’s safer for me to still do college (as long as I get enough scholarships and hopefully my mom’s settlement will be able to cover the rest, which is sad that such funds have to pay for basic but exorbitant human necessities (school, housing, etc.)).

      Our educational system in Amerikkka, from our elementary schools to our most prestigious colleges, is an absolute joke with no respect or regard to their students’ well being.

  • ghost_of_faso2@lemmygrad.ml
    1·
    1 year ago

    How about ya’ll?

    I exist in both planes, burdened by my past and suicidal ideation while living in the present, which materially is great.

    I think im on the otherside of the issues you are facing now; I did the work, seperated myself from the toxic enviroment and have found myself, at least on a personal level in a happy place; but the weight of the past crushes me some days and others feels light as a feather.

    Im ok, il always be alright; its a struggle.

  • ReadFanon@lemmygrad.ml
    1·
    1 year ago

    This is based on nothing besides the fact that I recognise your username and I get the vibe that you’re in that 16-25yo bracket.

    With that in mind and from what you’ve said here, which is admittedly very little info, I would recommend considering the possibility that you may be neurodivergent (specifically of the ADHD/autistic/AuDHD varieties.)

    It’s just a wild hunch so I’m not going to go into the why of it but it’s just worth thinking about and especially trying a screening test or two over.