I’m trying to be better but I’m terrible some days and better others, my willpower day-to-day isn’t at all consistent enough to help. I’m always depressed and tired, even when I take my meds and get good sleep.
I love to imagine myself as I would be if I had the willpower and energy to tackle each day. What it would be like to be able to make friends as an adult without having anyone from college, highschool, or childhood. What it would be like if I could go about my day with confidence in my own ability, knowing I can back it up. What it would be like to live in my skin without wanting to scream all the time even when I’m happy. What it would be like if I was enough for myself.
What it would be like if I was just good enough to be okay. I wish I could be okay
How about ya’ll?
I know many people are like me in one way or another, and asking if there are is kind of pointless, but I just want to hear from people like me. I don’t want to be alone.
But I also know that these things are literally mostly the fault of the banal dystopia wearing down our will to live every day. As well as that despite all this shit you still believe in us, in the potential of humanity, is an act of love so pure that one who feels it cannot be evil. I will not accept your self hatred, you are a good person, just one thats been worn to pieces trying to pull them back together.
I feel similarly with a lack of energy and willpower. I’m constantly procrastinating and waiting to do school work on my own time. I’m constantly on my phone even though I Intend to read and do other stuff. These are both largely caused by the school system not valuing people’s sleep, but there is a bit I can do to get better like reducing procrastination. I know it’s a bit of a bandaid in this society, but getting out to nature and mindfulness can help. Remember it’s habit, not willpower that allows people to continuously do what they want themselves to do. Habits take time to build up. I realized recently that it is possible to gradually increase being social if you just intend to and take small opportunities you wouldn’t have otherwise.
Amen to school not valuing sleep.
Rant incoming...
I was taking 12 credits of advanced (not really) programming classes during my last semester of college (online). I had to quit my job to be able to do the work, and I was still pulling all-nighters nearly every day. I told my C++ professor that taking 12 credits, the minimum required to be full-time, shouldn’t require me to lose so much sleep, especially when I am not working. He said that I shouldn’t be taking 4 advanced courses in a semester and should have went part-time or taken a couple of lower level classes (yeah, so I can waste more time and lose more money, and I had no choice but to take these classes because the way I had to do my schedule for each semester to be able to satisfy prerequisites), even though it was a community college and the courses were Advanced C++, Java, Python, and Data Structures (which in retrospect those courses would be pretty basic compared to university level courses). So much content was repeated, and I had relearn git 4 times even though it was treated as an afterthought and should have been its own course. The issue was that there was an overabundance of work in each class that could have been reduced while still providing the same quality of learning (which was dogshit). So many assignments had contradictory instructions. Most of the online courses were very poorly thrown together in Blackboard, which is a very clunky interface that is not easy to navigate. I wish colleges used an online tool with a better interface, something similar to Coursera. I hated one professor so much because she was the laziest one I ever had, and unfortunately she was the only one doing Data Structures, which means I had to deal with her twice (the first class was C#, and she made me just hate the language because of her shitty course). She gave an assignment with no lesson, and I had to go figure out what the lesson was about without any help. After an assignment was done, she refused to give feedback on where I made mistakes because she considered it cheating. What’s the point of doing college if I just have to teach myself anyways? For the last and more difficult data structures we had to learn, we were given very little instruction, and I was lucky to get away with just refactoring examples I found online and in books to make it look like I wasn’t cheating. I mentioned this to a student during graduation, and apparently that’s what she expected students to do when he went to her office for help. Someday, I am going to need to go back and relearn these data structures because I barely learned them and wasn’t given enough time and help to study them during the course.
The professors were often working in another job and doing online courses part-time, and various others were retired or were just really shit in the industry, so often we were taught bad practices in programming. My C++ instructor even suggested that it was a good idea to write down in a text document of a project of all the changes people did…in a git repository…which is the entire point of the VCS, ffs. One student ended up ranting in the discussion forum about it, and the professor didn’t say anything. Sadly, this was one of my better professors.
Often professors would take feedback from students, and the only way they would try to resolve issues is by creating more assignments and more help groups that no student has time to attend. I believe most courses could have been reworked to be less language specific (like data structures) and focus on teaching important courses in a language agnostic manner. Then for language specific features, those courses could still reduce their workload greatly by improving the examples for assignments and still reducing the amount of work required. I spent most of the time trying to research the lessons on my own, decipher the confusing instructions provided by the professors (sometimes needing to accept that a solution was not possible or just something really stupid or really stretching the actual meaning of the instructions and receive a lower grade for the assignment), arguing with professors, and just doing a bunch of fluff work for overly massive assignments for a simple topic. Any feedback students give for specific issues almost never gets applied, so the students in the following semester get to deal with the same issues.
I mean, I guess in the end it wouldn’t matter, since the degree you get is only going to get you a job below what you studied for, if you’re lucky. Having a two-year degree in (essentially) Computer Science just gives me a shitty IT contract job, and that was difficult to acquire alone. All the all-nighters I pulled, all the car accidents I nearly missed due to lack of sleep, and all the years of my life lost amounted to this, ugh.
And the sad thing is, I see this pattern with every college, even ASU, which declares itself as a prestigious school, meanwhile they can’t even get the time right for my enrollment coach appointment. The level of incompetence in every college is utterly astounding. I have read many ASU online class horror stories and complaints on reddit, and the same can be said for other colleges. At least I am more prepared for the online college bullshit.
If you want to go the self-education route, bursts in laughter and cries, good luck. If you’re lucky to get a job through self-education, you’re still treated like a third class citizen when you try to work for other companies like AMD, which flat out does not accept anyone without a degree regardless of experience. You want to move to another country? Good luck doing so without a degree, let alone without a doctorate’s degree or a shitton of money. As much as I rather self-educate myself in Electrical Engineering using better materials I can find online or through highly recommended books and various other materials, it’s safer for me to still do college (as long as I get enough scholarships and hopefully my mom’s settlement will be able to cover the rest, which is sad that such funds have to pay for basic but exorbitant human necessities (school, housing, etc.)).
Our educational system in Amerikkka, from our elementary schools to our most prestigious colleges, is an absolute joke with no respect or regard to their students’ well being.
It’s especially insane considering youth need more sleep.
I don’t know how much it would help you, but I have the materials for a data structures course if that helps at all.
Here’s the course GitHub, which contains code samples and material lectured over: https://github.com/mhahsler/CS2341
Here’s some additional PDF materials with some diagrams (this is a one-time link because I don’t know how to share it): https://file.io/06klFfvbuimD