There is this girl I have been talking to for a time. I like her, and we also share some common ground. Recently she told how she is struggling very much with anxiety.
She’s worried people dislike her, worried about people only pretending to be her friend, people slowly losing interest. She is without exaggeration suicidal about it. More over I overheard her saying she hates people who are only interest in sex.
And here is the damned kicker, I am only interest in having sex with her. Normally when people talk about how they dislike people only interested in sex, I take that as my cue to leave. It’s totally fine they feel this way, but it also means we’re not compatible. However seeing how this girl is damn near suicidal about people pretending to like her, I’m not sure what to do.
If she’s not into one night stands that’s fine but that does mean I’m walking (I’m also not interested in any friendship). But I don’t want her to kill herself over it either.
Here’s an enormous life lesson that took me decades to learn: you cannot take responsibility for anyone else’s happiness. If she is truly a danger to herself, this is usually mandatory reporting territory depending on your local laws. Act accordingly.
If you’re suddenly feeling your connection to humanity above and beyond getting laid, here is some basic info on what you can do: https://www.nami.org/relationships/how-to-talk-and-listen-to-someone-experiencing-suicidal-thoughts/
I get that it’s not my responsibility to make her happy. But isn’t there like a soft way of telling her I’m letting this ship sail on without me?
Unfortunately, been there and got the t-shirt. “Hey, it seems like you’ve got a lot to work on and I do too, I don’t think this is a good time to pursue this”
That doesn’t work when someone is clinging desperately to you to be their salvation. Their internalized hope and the feel of it slipping through their fingers while they think they can find the right words to say to turn the ship around creates this prolonged agony when it’s far better to just give them a clean break.
Obviously you don’t want to push her into suicide, but you can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves or thinks everything will be better if they can just convince someone into a relationship. Contact her friends and family, give her suicide hotline information, recommend therapy, but you can’t be the knight in shining armor of someone your only interested in physically.
There’s someone I talk to off and on here on the other side of things. She is clinging desperately to the hope that she will eventually get back together with this guy (who AFAICT, lives 2 hours away and has met her once or maybe twice). They are broken up but still talking and she is desperate to find a way to glue everything back together. Two things are clear: he is not interested in a relationship (though he’s also too weak for a clean break as they keep talking), and she is not ready for a relationship. I’ve tried to explain all of that, but every time they talk he just makes her so happy and she loves him so much. It’s so much worse for her than if he would just wish her a happy life and block her.
I implore you not to be that guy. A clean break is much better than lingering ambiguity that keeps her from moving on.