// TW: undiagnosed cognitive distortion
I was reflecting on myself, these vague thoughts, such as “I have no friends” and “No one likes me,” actually harm me. They alter my behavior toward myself and others, affecting my ability to form genuine connections, which also involve community and other people. Not just me alone. Other people also want to be heard and to express their individuality, not just me. If I pass away one day, it’s not me who buries myself, but the community.
I had a friend group that was nice and very accommodating but after an arguement I had with someone I left and not one person came to talk to me, and I was forgotten within months, in that time I lost all my trust for them and I felt like a pariah, around that time I had a lot of panic attacks and it just got worse with self deprecation, telling myself that I got traumatised over very minor shit, that I’m abnormal and that I am mentally ill, and that if I am going to be treated badly then I might as well give them a reason to see me as a bad person, I felt comfortable in the control that being able to essentially destroy my presence in that community gave me