April is stress awareness month. What little changes have you made that have helped?
I have ADHD, and one thing that really helped me a lot was to try and build my life and my home around things that encourage the behaviors I want to engage in.
An example; the Clio Greek yogurt bars I’ve been eating for snacks are expensive, yes. They have wrappers which have to be thrown out, which is terrible. There’s a million reasons I hate eating them. But they taste good, and the convenient packaging means that when they’re in the house, I eat those instead of cheaper, less healthy candy or cookies or, and I’m very guilty of this- skipping the snack.
I have non-diabetic hypoglycemia. I can’t keep skipping my snacks/meals because I’m distracted or don’t want to bother with food. My doctor cannot be any clearer about the damage I’m doing to myself.
I had to accept that yes, these have wasteful packaging. Yes, they cost more than other snacks. But I’m almost 40 and I’ve spent my entire life proving over and over again I can’t just will myself to behave differently. I need to accept that this is a medical condition, not a failure, and give myself grace.
There’s about a million other things like this, but the vibe is, I will do my best. I will hold myself accountable when I fail. But I will no longer beat myself up for not being a person I’ve never been.
Forgot to take my vitamins for a few days? Take them now, and move forward. You aren’t to blame. They taste delicious and you want to take them, so failing to do so is obviously not your fault. (Setting an alarm to take them only works for a few days before I start dismissing the alarm without actually noticing it.)
These are all things to work around. Not to hate myself for.
I have been working as a caregiver, usually for adults with developmental and intellectual disabilities, for years. If I wouldn’t be mad at a person with a disability diagnosis for displaying the symptoms that are out of their control, it’s hypocritical of me to do that to myself.
That’s a great way of doing things! The whole world was designed for neurotypical people, our way of doing things wasnt considered. People understand a wheelchair user saying they can’t carry a heavy box upstairs, but they don’t understand a neurodiverse person saying they do X because they’re diverse. You’re finding your way through a system that was designed for a different person.
None of these are small changes per se, but here are some things that can help, and which can be worked towards with small and persistent changes.
First, covering some of the basics:
https://www.nih.gov/health-information/emotional-wellness-toolkit
- sleep 8+ hours a night, go to bed and wake up around the same times each day
- exercise every day, try to get aerobic exercise a few times a week but still walk on days you can’t
- go outside, try to get 30 minutes of sunshine every day (basically: do your exercise outside, otherwise do something else outside - I personally get a mental health boost from picking up trash, it makes me feel like a good person)
- I have a rule to never take any drug the day after I used it (so basically never take a drug every day, or any two consecutive days). This prevents a tolerance building up, keeping the drug the most useful. It also helps prevent dependence and addiction. With certain drugs I have more strict rules, e.g. tobacco I don’t use more than once a month as a rule, while caffeine I like to have a 2 - 3 day minimum before taking it again (so practically speaking I don’t use caffeine more than once a week or so, at most).
- eat a varied and nutritious diet with lots of vegetables, incorporate fiber-rich and whole foods and reduce consumption of processed foods
- drink lots of water throughout the day, start the day by drinking a glass of water and then keep a bottle of water on you so you can continue to hydrate
Beyond that, what helped me immensely was:
- practicing 20 - 40 minutes of loving-kindness meditation every day (especially the modified TWIM method where you actively recall the feelings and not just dryly repeating intentions)
- practicing 1 hour of vipassana meditation every day
- running 10 - 20 miles a week
- cycling 20 - 60 miles a week
Because loving-kindness was so effective for me, I want to actually write out the section from TWIM that was so helpful. From that TWIM PDF linked above:
TWIM passage
When you practice the Mindfulness of Lovingkindness meditation, begin by radiating loving and kind feelings to yourself. Remember a time when you were happy. When that happy feeling arises, it is a warm, glowing feeling.
Some of you may complain—we actually do hear this a lot—that you cannot recall any good memories. So, then we ask, “Can you imagine holding a baby and looking into its eyes? Do you feel a loving feeling? When that baby smiles, do you?"
Another idea is to imagine holding a cute little puppy. When you look at the puppy, you naturally want to smile and play with him. The feeling you are creating is a warm, glowing, and sincere feeling radiating from your eyes, your mind, and your heart. Once you have established this feeling, use this feeling to wish yourself happiness. “Just as I was happy then, may I be happy now.” Continue with phrases like “May I be peaceful,” “May I be happy,” “May I be calm.”
Do you know what it feels like to be peaceful and calm? Then put that feeling and yourself in the center of your heart and surround yourself with that happy feeling.
When that feeling fades, bring up another phrase to remind you of the feeling. “May I be tranquil,” “May I be content,” “May I be full of joy.” Now give yourself a big “heart hug.” Really and sincerely, wish yourself to be happy! Love yourself and mean it. This feeling is your object of meditation.
Each time the feeling fades, repeat the wish verbally a few times in your mind. Just repeat it enough times to bring up the feeling - do not make it a mantra! Saying a phrase over and over will not bring up the feeling we want — the phrase just reminds us to bring the feeling up. When the feeling comes up we drop the phrase. There are a number of other teachers who focus on just saying the phrases over and over, and that doesn’t work. That will just turn it into a concentration practice on the phrase.
Some people visualize easily; others do not. It is not important that you clearly see your object of meditation. Just know it is there. Keep the feeling of yourself in the center of your chest, wrapped in this happy and content feeling.
And, we do mean really feel good! Feel peaceful, or calm, or loving, or gentle, or kind, or giving, or joyful, or clear, or tranquil, or accepting. Be okay sitting and feeling this. It’s okay to feel good, let yourself be there in the present, just feeling this contentment.
You have nowhere to go; you are on a little vacation from life now. There is nothing to do other than to be happy and radiate that feeling to yourself. Can you do that? Don’t try to be happy. Be happy! Be content. Be at peace—right here, right now. You have our permission to be happy for at least the next thirty minutes!
This is a feeling meditation, but don’t over observe the center of your chest trying to bring up a feeling of Lovingkindness. Don’t force a feeling where there isn’t one. Don’t put the cart before the horse. Smile and feel that smile all through your body. As you say the phrases, bring this feeling up, and it will resonate in your heart area on its own. Sincerely wish yourself happiness. Believe it, and know that you do wish happiness for yourself. Just be with this feeling, know it is there, and smile with it.
There may be some blocks that come up such as saying to yourself, “No, I don’t deserve to be happy like this!” This aversion to your own happiness is a distraction. Distractions will be covered shortly. We will explain the method to deal with them so that you can allow and train yourself to feel real Lovingkindness for a longer period of time.
Later, when you begin feeling this feeling toward others, know that similar blocks may come up and that these are distractions too. There is no reason that others should not be happy as well. The goal is first to accept and allow yourself to be happy and peaceful. It’s okay. Then, since you feel that happiness in your own mind you will be happy to share that feeling with other beings.
If you can get past the corniness and all the various forms of resistance that come up, generating good feelings and holding onto them is a pragmatic tool you can develop and build that can lead to increased happiness and mental well-being.
I feel like therapy should be mentioned, I have seen a dozen or so therapists over decades, but for the most part I never found therapy particularly helpful. At times therapy was actually quite harmful (usually by accident, not due to ill intent by the therapist). I still believe therapy can be helpful and that people should seek out a therapist, I just can’t say that it every helped me that much.
Journaling also should be mentioned because it can be helpful, but in my life journaling was a tool that brought me a lot of harm as well as some good. So I guess just be careful about having journals, know that they can be taken from you and weaponized against you (even in ways you wouldn’t have ever expected). It took me over a decade to finally journal again, and now I use it for very limited purposes. I still feel I can’t be honest or vulnerable with my own thoughts on paper, so my writing remains more analytical and pragmatic than emotional. Sometimes I have found writing poetry one way to help be vulnerable that way without feeling threatened.
Dandelion thanks so much for typing that out! It’s brilliant information for us all, really detailed and helpful. I journal sometimes too… do you have any old ones you read? I have mine but don’t tend to read them
I burned most of my journals after a step-parent took one of them and read it in front of my family to punish and humiliate me. After that I didn’t journal for a long time. One of my journals from when I was 10 - 13 years old or so survived, and I have that one. I read it a few years ago, and was surprised at how lucid I was.
I started journaling again a couple years ago, but it’s usually just about analyzing my dysphoria - basically just talking down the “brainworms”.
You should try reading your older journals sometime, it can be quite cathartic. I feel a sense of loss at having burned my journals, I feel like I poured myself into them and now my memory makes it difficult to recall what I was like accurately. Having an artifact like that would be useful for when I’m trying to do some personal archaeology, or even just for fun.
Thanks for creating this community, by the way. We are lucky to have you. 💞
I’m really sorry that happened to you, it’s honestly traumatic. Your most private thoughts being exposed and ridiculed like that, at such a young age as well. It’s every young person’s nightmare, it’s just cruel. Do you have much contact with the step parent.
And that’s so kind of you thank you! I really got lucky though, it’s such a wonderful group of women here. It wouldn’t work at all without all of you ♥️
I don’t have much contact with any of my parents, but I have no contact with that parent in particular.
There were plenty of bad things happening in that house growing up, but I feel lucky it wasn’t worse. I think a lot of abuse victims feel this way, though - like they didn’t really experience abuse because it wasn’t some stereotype of what abuse is in their mind.
Either way, I have mixed feelings about it all, and consider myself very lucky and privileged overall.
And I feel the need to laud your founding of the community, your labor as a moderator, and above all that, someone who makes an effort to keep the community active. Sure, we all participate and together form the community - but you do an immense amount of work and play a larger role in facilitating this community than the rest of the members. You do an amazing job, and I just really appreciate you. 💗
Yep it’s a difficult one. There’s always worse, and psychological abuse is really hard to name and it’s even harder to get people to understand how bad it is. They get broken bones, but don’t get broken hearts. You did amazing surviving it all!
And thanks Dandelion, it has been a lot of work but comments like that really do make it worth it. I really do appreciate you too
Holy shit, I need to start meditating again, this may just give me final push to start doing it 👍
I agree with with your comment and couldn’t put it better! I will add (for myself) making/creating art really helps me, and also baking healthy food. Both take me into a chilled out zone… also me and the bf are going to get e-bikes so we can get out and about, fresh air, exercise and greenery, whilst not killing ourselves, (but you don’t necessarily need an e-bike for that)
Also, I’m really sorry that your private journal was weaponized against you, no-one should have to experience that
I think meditation can be a very powerful tool, but like any treatment it can also have side effects. It’s worth familiarizing yourself with those so you can recognize them and navigate them well (sometimes this means meditating less, or stopping entirely). When I meditate regularly I experience insomnia, which is very common with monks who meditate and on meditation retreats.
Anyway, I just don’t want anyone to hurt themselves. Most of the time recommending meditation is safe because rarely do people put in the effort and time and make enough progress that they start having side effects, but you never know and it’s better to start with informed consent.
I used to make art a lot, but I lost it somewhere along the way. I would like to return, but life hasn’t always been so permitting.
Baking is great too, I love cooking and baking!
I should have added taking hot baths to my list. I’m not sure how much it actually improves my mental health, but there are supposedly studies that show it helps, and I feel overall like it’s possible it helps me (I certainly choose to do it a lot, esp. when I want to relax or feel better).
Riding bikes sounds really nice - I miss that feeling of freedom.
And no worries about the journal, it was a long time ago and I was so dissociated by then that it was more just another thing to endure than anything else. Life is much better as an adult with freedom from parents. 😄 Every year is better than the last.
Tea instead of coffee
By far the best thing I’ve done for my mental health is exercise, I do it minimum 3 times a week. I really notice when I’ve not trained for a few days, I’m flat or anxious.
I also find keeping busy really helps, it’s distraction and stops me wallowing.
I did a one day guided meditation course from someone who knew what they were doing … it has helped me sleep well ever since and generally avoid burnout when I’m under serious stress.
That’s a really clever idea! What’s the best thing you learned from it?
How to do basic mindfulness meditation, which isn’t difficult.
I’m not usually into that sort of thing, but it does help.
Ah of course it’s simple and effective! Thanks
