if youve never eaten tofu DO NOT TRY IT
it is so good
my nephew coerced me into trying it by calling me a pussy in front of my friends for refusing i pretended i hated it so the guys didnt think i was gay but it was so good and i cant get away with eating it in secret because my wife wont let me go to the grocery store anymore but i wouldnt want to eat it anyway because i heard it turns you into a girl
so anyway
thats why i need a manly alternative ive got these ungodly liberal cravings for tofu and theres no meatbased alternative… YET so i made this concept art using a website and now i just need to do three things
- patent it
- get a factory
- figure out how to make it
if you know how to do these things please tell me how to do them
I can help but you’ll need to wire me $300k to start with.
You mean spam?
if you know how to do these things please tell me how to do them
By the way, I don’t know how serious you were being about this, but Arby’s has gotten us most of the way there and it’s really upsetting to see.
How to trick people into thinking tofu could taste better than it already does:
- Put some water in a pot
- Add spices that make you say “mmm… That’s good!” (Eg. Soy sauce, garlic powder, fresh garlic, some sort of broth or bouillon cube, lemon juice, MSG if you’re nasty like me)
- Boil the water
- Add some corn starch so that she gets a little thickness
- Make your tofu cube into numerous smaller cubes
- Put that tofu into your bubbly broth
- Bring it back to a boil and keep it boiling for about 10-30 minutes—if the tofu starts to take on the color of the broth, you’re doing it right
- Get a pan or skillet and make it hot. 350° is good
- Add some cooking lube
- Use a strainer or whatever you got to move the tofu without the broth onto your hot oily skillet, pan, whatever
- Cook it for a few minutes on each side until they start to look brown and crispy
Eat them by themselves, make a sauce, put them in stir-fry or soup, whatever makes you happy.
When people taste it and tell you it’s the best tofu they’ve ever had or that it reminds them of mapo tofu, call them a fucking liar and threaten to make them eat more.
You need to write more recipes. I approve completely when threats are involved.
Can we get something for a dumpling with a sarcasm garnish?
How to make dumplings like a true fartographer
- Mix salt, flour, and water until you get a nice dough
- Break the dough into smaller pieces and then smash the shit out of them
- Add some oil or something on the outside of the dough papers
- Pick out some yummy vegetables and make the bigger ones smaller. Add some spices that make you say, “yeah, that’ll taste good!”
- Alternate between too much and too little vegetable filling
- Fail to properly pinch 95% of your dumplings closed
- Steam them in a pan or something. Forget to get a proper steaming instrument, so instead make a bed of broccoli florets with some water.
- Fish out the things that survived and look the most like dumplings
- Make your own sauce if you want to waste time, anything you dip these dumplings into will be insulted by your food abuse
- Lie and tell people that your dumplings didn’t come out all that bad
- Lie again and say that this was your first time trying and comment that it’s not bad for having never tried this before
- Lie for a third time and say you’re full from eating the ones that didn’t make it, then tell everyone else to eat them
- Wallow in your failure and wonder how many people would be insulted by your attempt
- Start cleaning the kitchen while crying about how you don’t deserve each kitchen gadget you’re cleaning
If you have to eat tofu just fry it in bacon fat. That makes it American again.
Spam
You can just call it meat-based! It’s a trick we bloodmouths have figured out long ago when calling our chicken soup plant-based so the vegoons eat it without complaining all the time!
