it might have been when i fell of the trampoline and had a seziure and if so ive been here for more than 4 decades i cant tell if im delusional but i think i am but i dont trust anyone to tell me the truth and im just reacting to everything happening. after i got evicted i had this experience and i thought i was supposed to stay alive until i served my purpose and then i would die and i think maybe that is coming now and why im here now doing this but i dont know im even me
i was told by an extremely close friend that I was unwise to antagonize him. i didnt even consider my response to his "confession’ as antagonizing. he asked me after “am i scared of him” i said no because if he tried that shit with me i would gut him. then he asked “do i have anythign to be afraid of” and i doubled down by saying he should respect me like any creature with teeth and that im a trash rat not a church mouse. im a liar. i cant defend myself at all. my good friend was right and “he is probably paranoid i am going to hurt him” and i think that is because that is all he can think about. himself. the only justice he will see is social justice and i cant even do that right. all the collateral damage is unbelievable and its my fault. i cut contact with all my “friends”. i am paranoid as in clinically and this has pushed me over the edge. im both consumed with fear that people are out to harm me and that im probably just crazy and both of those are incompatible so i just followed the principles i have and cut contact because i cant tell if ive done more harm than good and in that case i should leave and figure it out like a big girl and i did. i decided to stop being a a pussy and ask him if he was afraid and he said no and i told him that he has status and power and i got shit and i cant trust anyone and he did it. he was just so fucking calm. he said “sounds like you want me to kms” and i was like no. how could i want that because i called your boy and asked him to check on you. that i didnt want him to die but we werent friends anymore with prejudice. i said i wanted to see him rehabilitated and to stop exploiting people. im not punitive and i hate the idea of cops so much and the “justice system” is anything but and said im not like you. he said “im trying my best” like i should even consider that from someone who has exploited people’s good will and taken their ability to consent by being covert and manipulative. told him he did this and he will never do shit because he is a pussy and im not. he said “what do you want me to do” and i said i wasnt gonna give him anymore understanding of how to exploit the vulnerable. i told him how he took all of my goodwill and my consent to be around him and accept help and how i cant trust anyone now and how im alone. i told him he could just kill me and i wouldnt have any defense. my dump included insults and antagonization i told him just to kill me already i dont give a fuck. just to come in my bedroom while i sleeping and take my consent there too. i told him how i cant eat or sleep and made a fork lock for my door and had been fixing it to be more secure. i said i had been spending money i needed for other things on food away from the house becuase i was sick to my stomach and couldnt eat here. i said he didnt even return the keys to me knwing full well he has scared the fuck out of me because his GF told him when she was tossing me under the bus. i said you feel so sorry for himself he cant even consider the impact of his actions on his SA victims or the trusting and vulnerable people he’s exploited and that the stats on aggravated sexual assaulters having multiple victims was insane and he likely had more than one and what am i supposed to do in this situation. i said what are you gonna do about it and he said “nothing” and i said that’s right, you arent gonna do shit because you are a coward and that of course he isnt going to bring down accountability on himself. he said he’s been giving me the space i need. he knows i see him and even tho im afraid i wont stop talking. i told him he wasnt doing that he was creeping around and being weird and scary and i told him he was just doing it so he wouldnt face how he has impacted me or anyone else. i told him that the reason he was focused and having nightmares of the terminator 2 scene where sara is having a nightmare and the bomb goes off wasnt about the word but about the consequences of his actions and how it burns everyone especially the people who are innocent in all of this. i wont go back to when iwas a kid and my family scared me and kept me quiet. idgaf anymore and i hope he fuckin kills me. i cant trust anyone and i dont want to be here anymore but i dont have the energy or will to kms. im gonna put one foot in front of the other just like i have been and just do my plan to leave the best i can but i dont know why. im trapped in this survival trip like every other lifeform on the earth and i havent been able to muster the courage to turn me off. i cant fight the nihilism anymore. all i have are my questionable instincts and im trapped for sure in the watcher while my doer and thinker are just going on like nothing has happened. i think i died already maybe during that first ketamine treatment or ECT and this is just me being trapped in a bardo hell of my own creation to teach me to let go of it all. to know what its like to love and lose. i cant be sure. fuck people. fuck usa. fuck everything. i cant possibly be an anarchist with this nihilism consuming me. im a fraud and selfish and inconsiderate. i didnt consider how this would explode everyone’s life because i was focused on my piontless and horrible principles and not on my impact and i am just a fucking piece of shit. dont @ me, fuck you.
aggravated sexual assault against a sleeping roomate and he has keys to where im sleeping
No. I don’t think I will.
I made a hundred bucks. I didn’t have to sleep in my car last night. I am still alive and warm. I ate a fast food hamburger. I had a great yoyo practice sesh. I saw the sun behind the clouds. There was a squirrel on the fence. I gave cats some scritches. I made it thru the night of active ideation. I took my pills as well as my estradiol shot. I felt genuine relief and a cosmic gratitude that my counselor is moving to colorado so he will be safe. I saw a robin on a roof peak in perfect silhouette. I remembered some good things and good times. My belly was full. I didn’t faint again. I felt grateful for having some celebrex. I stood up for myself and a friend who was close. I did my best.
his GF threw me under the bus to fix her own feelings and thats fine. i mean its not FINE but i made sure to not push her to make any particular choice and she blamed me anyway. rich fuckin beans those. i asked her not to tell him until i could get out, for my own safety and so i will have more time. i told her i wouldnt coach her on what to say but i would brainstorm with her and her friend if she wanted. i told her twice i would brainstorm with her. she chose herself and i can understand that but at the same time i cant be the same kind of friend to her anymore. i suspect that after some time i will just let that go and be okay with the loss. right now im insane that i lost another friend and its his fuckin fault. i have principles and letting my friends and other trans people go unaware of a danger isnt something i do. i paid and will keep paying for these decisions but i stand by my choices and self-protective skills. no one fucking tosses me under a bus and says i put them in a bad position where they have to tell their sex offender boyfriend about my fear and panic and our interaction. she could have 1000% taken a break without blaming me. fuckin victim blaming is a top response from many and i knew going in this might happen but who the fuck tells an untreated, angry, hostile, resentful, and suicidal sex offender about a homeless trans sa survivor’s fear and panic regarding them and the power dynamic. its clear by her language and approach that she thinks im safe and didnt believe me at all. fuck all that noise. guaranteed ill never make another fuckin friend or accept help from anyone. its taking all i have to keep from active ideation but what’s new. hell is other people.
I told her. She knew already. Principals are costly. I’m paying my dues.
i dont like how it reads, victim. im a survivor. im triggered a ton. now isnt then. now isnt then
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