Something I’ve talked about in the past that I wanted an excuse to bring up again is my discomfort in locker rooms. And what better excuse than to have a whole new website to post it on?

Trans people are familiar with how locker rooms with your AGAB can be uncomfortable. That’s not what I’m talking about, but locker rooms to me, an MtF GL MAP, are very much a double edged sword.

It’s either be with a ton of people of your AGAB (which is awful when you’re like me and pass as female and are going into a locker room to get into a bikini), or be with a ton of people that you find attractive. And none are preferable especially when you’re bi.

Women’s locker rooms make me extremely uncomfortable. Of course being a trans woman I’m scared someone will clock me and harass me for being a creep (which I’m not), but it makes it even more uncomfortable when you have an attraction to women. I’d never in my life sneak into a locker room to get a glimpse of people naked; that’s vile, but there are some circumstances where it’s harder to keep my head down, especially when keeping my head up is just plain natural. But I know what I’d do if I didn’t.

When I went swimming with my gf and bff at the time, sometime last year, I went to the women’s locker room myself because my gf used the men’s ones. I kept my head down to try and not be noticed as I changed out of my street clothes and into my two piece as fast as I could. But the whole time I could hear people in the locker room. I kept my head down so I couldn’t see what they looked like or where they were, but they were families.

It’s easy to not look at other women in the locker room. If I wanna see naked women I can just open Google.

But the girls?

It’s not quite as accessible, legal, or (depending on circumstances) morally good to do the same with girls.

So when I’m in a locker room and I hear the chatter, the intrusive thoughts going through my mind are unbearable: “just sneak a peak, no one will see”, “you’ve never seen a naked girl before, might as well start now”, “other women are seeing them naked, no reason why you can’t”.

I don’t consider myself a pedo with “urges”. But the desire to look up and sneak a glance in these scenarios is so unbelievably tempting.

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk.

I ended up talking with my bff and gf about it, but I just told them I didn’t wanna be perceived as a pedo because I’m visibly trans and there’s a lot of stigma and conspiracies against trans women. But what I didn’t tell them was that I was also uncomfortable because I am a pedo.