Here I am, sitting at home, living my life as usual, more or less. Yet, something changed.
I’m looking at memes and I’m actually laughing. I’m watching the same old shows I always watch on the side, and the same old jokes make laugh. Not just a chuckle here or there as I’m used to, but real, genuine laughter. It’s not like this was completely foreign to me before, but very unusual.
I’ve been struggling with my mental state for most of my life. I still am, and probably will keep doing so. 20 years of unhealthy coping strategies leave their mark. There’s been therapy, there’s been ideas of what might be wrong, though, never a real diagnosis. Nothing excluded as well - “real” diagnosis just didn’t happen.
But now it feels… different. I feel different. For most of my life I’ve been rather disconnected from my emotions. For the last week I’ve been closer to myself than ever before - maybe besides some drug-induced states. I’m almost crying typing this, the good kind of crying, the cathartic one.
And all it took was the realisation that I am no man?
Dang it… I wish there was a way to just know before I committed
If you start HRT you will have many months before you have to worry about permanent changes (breast development) happening. If you just want to know how it feels, you could do it for a month or two and see how it goes. If it’s not for you, just stop doing it.
If it helps, try to reframe it less like a single decision point and more of a choice every time you would take medication / HRT to continue in that direction. You’re not just making one decision to take HRT, you’re making a new decision every day.
To build on this, there are lots of things you can do and try that are reversible, even hrt takes a little while to show results that are forever.
Make up, clothes, hair, nails, mannerisms, all this you can just do and try, and more!
Well, there’s still a lot of stuff that I’m unsure about and I don’t know where I’ll end up eventually, although I do lean strongly towards a feminine identity at the moment.
But maybe I should consider myself lucky, because there also were signs all along which are just insanely clear now that I’ve finally dared to read through the Gender Dysphoria Bible.
I hope you find the answers you’re looking for.