OTTAWA - Prime Minister Mark Carney has vowed that 2026 will see huge economic growth for Canada's GDP, manufacturing, and exports, none of which will redound to you in the slightest.

“This year we will overcome the difficult trade climate coming from the United States, and Canadians will prosper,” explained Carney in a press conference, “that is, provided they own offshore investments, massive real estate holdings, or substantial generational wealth. I’m not really sure what the rest of you do with your time, but I’m not really talking about you here at all.”